I hate that I have been so absent.  Things have been so busy lately and I’m really neglecting my writing.  I apologize.  I wonder if sometimes we have to pour our hearts out when we are really hurting bad versus when we are happy and content.  I wonder if we when we are hurting so bad if we just need to get it all out like a catharsis of sorts.

As I type I am wondering what I want to talk about.  I wonder what anyone would want to hear.  Work has been a nightmare.  Things are piling up there.  But I honestly don’t care right now. 

The strong chance that nothing will work out for me at work and I will have no job early this summer is something I can’t even deal with right now.  Everyone I work with wants to know if I’ve been “looking” and my answer is simply “no.”  I’m not looking.  They ask me what will I do if things don’t work out and I say “I don’t know.”  That’s all I can say.  I have no energy for it.  I have no desire to pound the pavement.  I couldn’t even tell you what I would apply for.  I have no idea.  I have no interest in anything.  I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to deal with recruiters and figuring out how I’m going to go on job interviews for jobs I don’t want just to have something.  I don’t want to just take anything and be miserable every day.  I want to like what I do.  I don’t know what that is and I haven’t known for 10 years.  I’m basically avoiding the most horrible task in the most horrible economy. 

The other thing that piles on top of the job issue is my house.  Soon it will be  ONE YEAR since it went on the market.  ONE YEAR!  That is ABSURD!  Again the same economy.  I can’t make a new house decision without a job decision. I can’t make a job decision until I know if there is a way I can stay here.  I won’t know if I can stay here until someone else figures that out.  I’m in friggin limbo.  So, I’m not looking.  I’m waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I have not been able to MOVE ON for one year and 5 months.  Some parts of me have moved on while other are stuck in the LIMBO I’ve referenced.  My X husband doesn’t bother me at all but I’m sick of having to deal with im for money for the bills and to discuss the damn progress of the house for sale.  I’m tired of worrying that he is almost completely out of money and how long will he be able to keep paying half of the bills before he goes bankrupt.  If he goes bankrupt how will I pay for all of the bills on my own when they are more than I make in a month?  I simply cannot.

That will mean that the price of the house would have to be lowered for the 3rd time until we won’t even make enough to pay our realotor of the orginal loan back!  And then what?? That can’t happen!  I will have no where to live and be in debt.  It needs to sell for the pitiful price it’s at and sell quickly. 

Uuugh I’m tired of the whole thing.  Each day that goes by leaves me with less and less hope that things are going to go smoothly with the house and with my job.  I was being SO POSITIVE before and I’m losing slowly each day.

That’s my rant.  Other than that I’m happy. LOL!  Isn’t that hysterical?  Other than all of that bullsh*t above I’m happy.

How does a person get a cold, get completely better, and then 2 weeks or so later get sick again with another bad cold?  I feel like death.  I’m praying I get better before the weekend because I’m off to visit my man (sick or not).  It’s been a couple weeks and I’m really looking forward to seeing his sweet face and wonderful smile.

I’m still doing well.  I’ve been walking around with a smile on my face for weeks.  It’s been very, very nice – I must say.  I think it’s deserved after what I’ve been through for more than a year now.    At this point I’m just enjoying life the best I possible can.

Despite what I’m going through in my life the happiness another person brings you can really make all the turmoil swirling in your mind less frightening and stressful.  The turmoil is still there…spinning in my head…but it’s more manageable right now.

My house isn’t selling, my job is a giant question mark, my anxiety is not in perfect shape but I feel good inside.  My heart feels happy.  My side business is doing well and is picking up amazingly but it’s all a lot to handle all at once.  Again, I feel like anything is possible when I’m feeling good inside my heart.

The reason I’m happy is because of a guy that is most everything that others in my past have never been for me.  He is younger than I am by a number of years but at a certain point in your life I don’t think that matters anymore…I hope it will never become an issue for me.  He treats me with so much respect, admiration, and love.  He genuinely cares about my interests and hobbies and wants to enjoy them with me even if it’s not something he’s into himself.  He likes to go out with me, he likes to dance and have a good time.  He met my family and wants to meet my friends.  He gives me his undivided attention and puts me first.  He actually listens when I am talking and  he actually remembers things I tell him.  He lives quite a distance from me which is tough but it’s worth the effort to see him.  I didn’t know where this would all go when it began but I can say  he’s become a real an angel in  my life.

I haven’t put a definition on the relationship because there is no pressure to at this time.  It’s just the beginning of (hopefully) good things to come.  I’m enjoying each day as it comes and I enjoy his company as much as I can see him.  I’m tired of being sad.  I’m tired of everything that as brought me down for so long since everything started changing in my life.

Life has not been very fair for a very long time.  It’s just not fair to have one thing after another go wrong over and over.  I’m sick of the bad luck.  I believe I’m a good person.  I know that I deserve to be happy and I’m allowed to be happy.  I’m allowed to have something good in my life…finally.

We’ll see where this goes. I can only hope to a better and better place everyday.

On another note…after a little over 3 months —- I got an instant message from GI GUY yesterday out of nowhere — saying he knows its been a while and that I probably dislike him by now, but he hopes I’m doing well and wanted to say hello.  What a stupid ass.  What a very stupid guy.  I will not be replying although I wish I could tell him off.  I wish he could know and understand how he made me feel but I am smart enough to realize that it won’t mean a thing if he knows how he hurt me.  He is selfish.  He is a liar.  He was my friend for so long and I’ll never understand how he could do this to me after all of those years of friendship.

He wasn’t the right guy for me and would never be the guy I wish he was. I don’t need someone that isn’t right for me in my life again…I already had it for 10 years.  If someone isn’t meant to be you can’t make them be.  I’m really glad the dummy stopped talking like he did.  It took a while for me to feel better but I got over it.  I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish.

So, where I last left off was feeling bad and lonely… I was afraid to meet someone new as well.  I was worried that after what I had been through that I may end up hurting someone.

Well, things have changed since then.  I’m happy today, I was happy last week, I was happy the week before that.  I’ve had a happiness streak in my life recently.   I can’t define “it” for you but I can say that I’m happy right now. 

2008 was the suckiest, most terribly rotten, horrible, sickening, putrid, disgusting, saddest year every in my life.  2009 is on it’s way to being great.  It will stay great if there is anything I can do about it.  Despite the fact that I’m losing my job after many, many years there I can say that because I’m happy right now I’m not even focusing on that.  I can’t even let that bring me down right now.

Feeling like this is great. I haven’t felt this way in so long.  I am enjoying ever moment of it for as long as it lasts.  I’m not going to define it…I’m not going to think into the future of it.  I’m just enjoying TODAY.  That’s how I’ve laid it out on the table.  I like where it is, I don’t know where it will go, but I feel good and I need that.  I’m not getting any pressure and there is an understanding of where I am right now which is more than I could have asked for.

After all the things that have happened to me in a row I think I deserve a little happiness.  I think I deserve someone to treat me with care, respect, adoration, and love.  I deserve someone who cares about what I want, wants to take care of me the best way they know how, is attracted to me and makes me feel beautiful, someone who puts my needs in front of their own, who is not selfish, and even wants to take me out and have a good time.  I deserve the oppositte of what I had before that obviously didn’t work for me.

I can’t believe how different this feels.  After 10 years of being with someone else (from my early 20’s) I forgot what this all feels like.  After jerk #2 entered my life after jerk #1 left I wasn’t sure if I’d contunue to get jerk after jerk after jerk. Luckily I did not.  Even if this goes no where I will know what I SHOULD feel like.  I will know what I desreve and never be able to settle for less in life.

I feel happy.  I am happy. NOW.  Don’t know what the future will bring but who the F*ck cares!

It seems so easy to become addicted to attention…I mean from the opposite sex.  When you’ve been alone for a while and you crave attention and you get some its easy to get addicted to it.

I have been feeling so overwhelmingly alone lately and its was to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I craved even a simple hug.  I was so sad.  I think it’s true that people can die from loneliness…I never realized how hard it is to go without something as simple as ”a hug” for so long.  The need for human touch is so great and I never understood that before now.

I’ve been contemplating so many things lately.  Some things really have been getting to me more than ever and I don’t know what’s bringing it on more right now.  It’s kinda painful.

Is it the holidays? Winter coming? Is it just time dragging on without changes?

Loneliness is sometimes really so unbearable.

if this is cryptic, I apologize.  It’s late and I’m tired…and lonely.

Ever feel like ick but can’t put your finger on why?  Or maybe the answer is there in the back of your head but you won’t let it come to the front…

Last night I felt like this and now tonight I feel like this.

It seems to happen when I have a great night with friends and then the night is over and I come home to my empty, lonely big ol house.  It’s like I don’t want the company to disappear and I don’t want to ever go home.

I know it’s normal to feel like this but it doesn’t make it better.

AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends sent this to me and I thought all of the statements were very poignant.  Some are hard to swallow because I know a lot of them are true & very valid points.  When you see such stark statements they really jar your reality.

It was actually a bit uncomfortable reading a few of these…mainly because they made me THINK very hard, made my heart ache, made me wonder why loving another human being has to be such hard work sometimes.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.  If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”.  A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.”  You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.  He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.

Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother’s house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” ~ Sex in the City

I know about the me that I love.  Now I just have to discover the someone that loves the me that I am and will take care of me the way I should be taken care of…treat me right…and never let me go.  You can’t look for this someone…they will just appear in your life.  If you’re looking for love you’ll never find it.

I am a pretty patient person but I’ve never had to wait for this in my life. There always seemed to be someone but now patience is certainly a virtue more than I have ever experienced.  Somehow all the wrong guys like me and I don’t want them “that way.”  It’s kind of depressing to say the least.

And the ones you wish loved you break your heart into a million tiny pieces when all you want to do is love them and be loved back.

Sometimes we look for love in the wrong places and I’ve never been so stubborn before as I am now.  I’ve never let someone break my heart as I have now.  And yet I don’t scream at them and tell them how terrible they are and how they make me sometimes.  I say somethings but then I don’t unleash all of my feelings.  I don’t know why.  I just can’t.  I normally don’t let people take advantage of me and yet I cannot cry out the things I’d like to say.  I really don’t know why that is.

Even after all of the advice I get or give to others in this same situation I cannot follow their advice and I cannot take my own.  Is it the challenge?  Is it not being able to make them head over heels like you think they should be that keeps you hanging on and trying and trying?

I know all the things that have made me feel bad.  I know all of the things that have made me feel good.  Seems the bad may outweigh the good sometimes and yet I still don’t kick them to the curb.  The situation is complicated and I don’t understand it so I don’t think I can make anyone else truly understand it either.  I can’t make anyone understand why I am doing what I am doing.

It’s something I need to figure out in time and deal with myself.  No matter how many times I’m told to let this go and not let myself be hurt because I don’t deserve it…something sucks me back in.  If I ever figure out why I’m making this mistake I’ll be sure to share it with the world because if I can figure this out it will be a miracle.  I don’t know what will snap me out of this.  Maybe it’s being REALLY hurt that will do it.  But so far I must not have been REALLY hurt yet…sure felt like I have been at times but maybe it’s just semi-hurt right now.  And then the “sweet nothings” brainwash me again into ignoring the hurt.

Maybe it’s a case of the fact that we all want to be loved and when you are lonely and have nothing anything feels better than nothing.  I’m a smart girl and I think I have a lot of common sense and this is why I try to rationalize my situation in so many different ways but maybe I’m just NOT being rational for once in my life.  And that’s okay.  Time heals everything…I just need time to figure out what’s right for me.

Right now I’m not closing myself off to any possibilities.  No one ever should, because you never know what will happen if you stay open.  Right now nothing is coming my way except those I have no interest in.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be alone for a really, really long time.  Things aren’t the same as they were when I was in college and guys were everywhere….seems most of the good ones are taken and others we want and like aren’t the “good ones” that you deserve.

I just ask that you don’t judge me if I keep making the same mistakes over and over again…it must be something I have to do right now in my life for some strange reason.  I don’t understand it as much as you don’t.  It’s just how it is right now.  I can’t help it.

I think the loneliness is getting to me.  That’s what I think.

Question to ponder…

When there were two people in a relationship why is there always one person who has the upper hand?  Why does it always seem that one person has more control over the relationship than the other? Are you ever really on even playing ground?

I love this song…I love the lyrics…sometimes I’m  happy and sometimes feel like this.

Breathe Me – By Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Posted in music Tagged: breathe me, lyrics, sia, video ]]> http://breathewithme.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/breathe-me/feed/ 1 JRP http://breathewithme.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/optimism-vs-pessimism/ http://breathewithme.wordpress.com/2008/10/30/optimism-vs-pessimism/#comments Thu, 30 Oct 2008 20:44:43 +0000 JRP http://breathewithme.wordpress.com/?p=368 ]]>

“That night I started to think about belief. Maybe its not even advisable to be an optomist after 30, maybe pessimism is something we have to start apply daily, like moisturizer, otherwise how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all. Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?”

I guess you can say that I am the ultimate pessimist.  I don’t mind an optimist’s views but they aren’t mine no matter how hard I try.  I have always been a pessimist.  I have always seen the glass half empty.  I don’t always see the cloud with the silver lining. 

No matter how hard anyone tries to convice me I can’t change that way of thinking.  It actually gets me through really tough times.  It allows me to NOT be disappointed when things don’t work out.

You see I believe that if I am a pessimist and have a percentage of doubt that something isn’t going to go perfectly my way I am not disappointed when I am right about that assumption.  When I have doubt and things DO work out then I am twice as happy.  That’s just how it works for me and how I get by.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong.  It’s just what I think.

I don’t walk around with a nasty pessimistic face or attitude though.  I’m normally a happy go lucky person who tries to enjoy life but even when there are good things happening for me lately it’s hard to be extrememly happy because there is a part of me that is missing….

I’ve been doing well.  Been busy.  My side job has taken off to extraordinary heights and that makes me happy but it still only masks some of the loneliness I feel.  I still have anxiety but it’s much, much less and more minimized in the attacks.  I haven’t fainted once since I was out on the medication but I’ve come close in the beginning.  Things have been progressively getting better in that respect.

Early this morning I hurt my head really bad when I walked into a doorjam in the dark and despite the scared feeling I got from the shock of it – somehow I didn’t faint from the pain which is a miracle in its own right.  I think when you are faced with a fear and you just can’t lose yourself you will somehow find a way to get through it.  If I were bleeding from my head that may have been a whole other story but I wasn’t so getting through it was important to me.

This has been a crazy year for me.  So many things have happened that really made me STOP and think about my life.  I’m still trying to figure out where it’s going and I think it’s going to be a long journey.  The only  thing that I can say is that you need to see every step of the journey through as you head where you’re going to end up.  I’m not wasting any days any longer.  I did that for many, many years.

I doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do to the best of my ability.  I’m taking trips, making my hobby into a successful side job, hanging out with friends, reconnecting with old friends, trying to get out there and live my life the best way I know how right now.

I am keeping busy as I can and seeing where I end up.  That’s all I can do.  I don’t know where my life is going to be but that best thing I can do is be okay with where it is right now to the best of my ability and not torture myself along the way wondering where I will be.

I have some things bothering me that I don’t have time to write about now (lack of time seems to be my problem lately). I’m trying to get to bed earlier and I’ve ruined that with it being 1:07am as I write this.  Sleep is a waste but I need it to get up for the day job without feeling like death.  So I need to end this now and talk about my other issues later…if I can muster up the explanation of what’s been going through my head and write about it.

I have a lot to sort out as I go and it’s going to take a lot of time to be “OK.”  For now I’m doing fine okay as I can be.  That’s the best I can tell everyone who asks.  So many people at work who have found out about the divorce due to my public name change have asked how I am and the only thing I can say over and over is this quote exactly “it’s been a long year but I doing okay.”  That’s all I say and all they’re getting.  That’s all anyone needs to know.  Is that I’m okay….okay as I can be with where my life has taken me.

I’m over my head with work and all of the things that one must do once they divorce but I promise I will write soon.  I tried to 6 times today but got interrupted.  So, when I have some time I really do need to clear my head and write a little.  It really helps.