Waiting

I hate that I have been so absent.  Things have been so busy lately and I’m really neglecting my writing.  I apologize.  I wonder if sometimes we have to pour our hearts out when we are really hurting bad versus when we are happy and content.  I wonder if we when we are hurting so bad if we just need to get it all out like a catharsis of sorts.

As I type I am wondering what I want to talk about.  I wonder what anyone would want to hear.  Work has been a nightmare.  Things are piling up there.  But I honestly don’t care right now. 

The strong chance that nothing will work out for me at work and I will have no job early this summer is something I can’t even deal with right now.  Everyone I work with wants to know if I’ve been “looking” and my answer is simply “no.”  I’m not looking.  They ask me what will I do if things don’t work out and I say “I don’t know.”  That’s all I can say.  I have no energy for it.  I have no desire to pound the pavement.  I couldn’t even tell you what I would apply for.  I have no idea.  I have no interest in anything.  I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to deal with recruiters and figuring out how I’m going to go on job interviews for jobs I don’t want just to have something.  I don’t want to just take anything and be miserable every day.  I want to like what I do.  I don’t know what that is and I haven’t known for 10 years.  I’m basically avoiding the most horrible task in the most horrible economy. 

The other thing that piles on top of the job issue is my house.  Soon it will be  ONE YEAR since it went on the market.  ONE YEAR!  That is ABSURD!  Again the same economy.  I can’t make a new house decision without a job decision. I can’t make a job decision until I know if there is a way I can stay here.  I won’t know if I can stay here until someone else figures that out.  I’m in friggin limbo.  So, I’m not looking.  I’m waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I have not been able to MOVE ON for one year and 5 months.  Some parts of me have moved on while other are stuck in the LIMBO I’ve referenced.  My X husband doesn’t bother me at all but I’m sick of having to deal with im for money for the bills and to discuss the damn progress of the house for sale.  I’m tired of worrying that he is almost completely out of money and how long will he be able to keep paying half of the bills before he goes bankrupt.  If he goes bankrupt how will I pay for all of the bills on my own when they are more than I make in a month?  I simply cannot.

That will mean that the price of the house would have to be lowered for the 3rd time until we won’t even make enough to pay our realotor of the orginal loan back!  And then what?? That can’t happen!  I will have no where to live and be in debt.  It needs to sell for the pitiful price it’s at and sell quickly. 

Uuugh I’m tired of the whole thing.  Each day that goes by leaves me with less and less hope that things are going to go smoothly with the house and with my job.  I was being SO POSITIVE before and I’m losing slowly each day.

That’s my rant.  Other than that I’m happy. LOL!  Isn’t that hysterical?  Other than all of that bullsh*t above I’m happy.