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How does a person get a cold, get completely better, and then 2 weeks or so later get sick again with another bad cold? I feel like death. I’m praying I get better before the weekend because I’m off to visit my man (sick or not). It’s been a couple weeks and I’m really looking forward to seeing his sweet face and wonderful smile.
I’m still doing well. I’ve been walking around with a smile on my face for weeks. It’s been very, very nice – I must say. I think it’s deserved after what I’ve been through for more than a year now. 
At this point I’m just enjoying life the best I possible can.
Despite what I’m going through in my life the happiness another person brings you can really make all the turmoil swirling in your mind less frightening and stressful. The turmoil is still there…spinning in my head…but it’s more manageable right now.
My house isn’t selling, my job is a giant question mark, my anxiety is not in perfect shape but I feel good inside. My heart feels happy. My side business is doing well and is picking up amazingly but it’s all a lot to handle all at once. Again, I feel like anything is possible when I’m feeling good inside my heart.
The reason I’m happy is because of a guy that is most everything that others in my past have never been for me. He is younger than I am by a number of years but at a certain point in your life I don’t think that matters anymore…I hope it will never become an issue for me. He treats me with so much respect, admiration, and love. He genuinely cares about my interests and hobbies and wants to enjoy them with me even if it’s not something he’s into himself. He likes to go out with me, he likes to dance and have a good time. He met my family and wants to meet my friends. He gives me his undivided attention and puts me first. He actually listens when I am talking and he actually remembers things I tell him. He lives quite a distance from me which is tough but it’s worth the effort to see him. I didn’t know where this would all go when it began but I can say he’s become a real an angel in my life.
I haven’t put a definition on the relationship because there is no pressure to at this time. It’s just the beginning of (hopefully) good things to come. I’m enjoying each day as it comes and I enjoy his company as much as I can see him. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of everything that as brought me down for so long since everything started changing in my life.
Life has not been very fair for a very long time. It’s just not fair to have one thing after another go wrong over and over. I’m sick of the bad luck. I believe I’m a good person. I know that I deserve to be happy and I’m allowed to be happy. I’m allowed to have something good in my life…finally.
We’ll see where this goes. I can only hope to a better and better place everyday.
On another note…after a little over 3 months —- I got an instant message from GI GUY yesterday out of nowhere — saying he knows its been a while and that I probably dislike him by now, but he hopes I’m doing well and wanted to say hello. What a stupid ass. What a very stupid guy. I will not be replying although I wish I could tell him off. I wish he could know and understand how he made me feel but I am smart enough to realize that it won’t mean a thing if he knows how he hurt me. He is selfish. He is a liar. He was my friend for so long and I’ll never understand how he could do this to me after all of those years of friendship.
He wasn’t the right guy for me and would never be the guy I wish he was. I don’t need someone that isn’t right for me in my life again…I already had it for 10 years. If someone isn’t meant to be you can’t make them be. I’m really glad the dummy stopped talking like he did. It took a while for me to feel better but I got over it. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish.
So, where I last left off was feeling bad and lonely… I was afraid to meet someone new as well. I was worried that after what I had been through that I may end up hurting someone.
Well, things have changed since then. I’m happy today, I was happy last week, I was happy the week before that. I’ve had a happiness streak in my life recently. I can’t define “it” for you but I can say that I’m happy right now.
2008 was the suckiest, most terribly rotten, horrible, sickening, putrid, disgusting, saddest year every in my life. 2009 is on it’s way to being great. It will stay great if there is anything I can do about it. Despite the fact that I’m losing my job after many, many years there I can say that because I’m happy right now I’m not even focusing on that. I can’t even let that bring me down right now.
Feeling like this is great. I haven’t felt this way in so long. I am enjoying ever moment of it for as long as it lasts. I’m not going to define it…I’m not going to think into the future of it. I’m just enjoying TODAY. That’s how I’ve laid it out on the table. I like where it is, I don’t know where it will go, but I feel good and I need that. I’m not getting any pressure and there is an understanding of where I am right now which is more than I could have asked for.
After all the things that have happened to me in a row I think I deserve a little happiness. I think I deserve someone to treat me with care, respect, adoration, and love. I deserve someone who cares about what I want, wants to take care of me the best way they know how, is attracted to me and makes me feel beautiful, someone who puts my needs in front of their own, who is not selfish, and even wants to take me out and have a good time. I deserve the oppositte of what I had before that obviously didn’t work for me.
I can’t believe how different this feels. After 10 years of being with someone else (from my early 20’s) I forgot what this all feels like. After jerk #2 entered my life after jerk #1 left I wasn’t sure if I’d contunue to get jerk after jerk after jerk. Luckily I did not. Even if this goes no where I will know what I SHOULD feel like. I will know what I desreve and never be able to settle for less in life.
I feel happy. I am happy. NOW. Don’t know what the future will bring but who the F*ck cares!
