“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” ~ Sex in the City

I know about the me that I love.  Now I just have to discover the someone that loves the me that I am and will take care of me the way I should be taken care of…treat me right…and never let me go.  You can’t look for this someone…they will just appear in your life.  If you’re looking for love you’ll never find it.

I am a pretty patient person but I’ve never had to wait for this in my life. There always seemed to be someone but now patience is certainly a virtue more than I have ever experienced.  Somehow all the wrong guys like me and I don’t want them “that way.”  It’s kind of depressing to say the least.

And the ones you wish loved you break your heart into a million tiny pieces when all you want to do is love them and be loved back.

Sometimes we look for love in the wrong places and I’ve never been so stubborn before as I am now.  I’ve never let someone break my heart as I have now.  And yet I don’t scream at them and tell them how terrible they are and how they make me sometimes.  I say somethings but then I don’t unleash all of my feelings.  I don’t know why.  I just can’t.  I normally don’t let people take advantage of me and yet I cannot cry out the things I’d like to say.  I really don’t know why that is.

Even after all of the advice I get or give to others in this same situation I cannot follow their advice and I cannot take my own.  Is it the challenge?  Is it not being able to make them head over heels like you think they should be that keeps you hanging on and trying and trying?

I know all the things that have made me feel bad.  I know all of the things that have made me feel good.  Seems the bad may outweigh the good sometimes and yet I still don’t kick them to the curb.  The situation is complicated and I don’t understand it so I don’t think I can make anyone else truly understand it either.  I can’t make anyone understand why I am doing what I am doing.

It’s something I need to figure out in time and deal with myself.  No matter how many times I’m told to let this go and not let myself be hurt because I don’t deserve it…something sucks me back in.  If I ever figure out why I’m making this mistake I’ll be sure to share it with the world because if I can figure this out it will be a miracle.  I don’t know what will snap me out of this.  Maybe it’s being REALLY hurt that will do it.  But so far I must not have been REALLY hurt yet…sure felt like I have been at times but maybe it’s just semi-hurt right now.  And then the “sweet nothings” brainwash me again into ignoring the hurt.

Maybe it’s a case of the fact that we all want to be loved and when you are lonely and have nothing anything feels better than nothing.  I’m a smart girl and I think I have a lot of common sense and this is why I try to rationalize my situation in so many different ways but maybe I’m just NOT being rational for once in my life.  And that’s okay.  Time heals everything…I just need time to figure out what’s right for me.

Right now I’m not closing myself off to any possibilities.  No one ever should, because you never know what will happen if you stay open.  Right now nothing is coming my way except those I have no interest in.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be alone for a really, really long time.  Things aren’t the same as they were when I was in college and guys were everywhere….seems most of the good ones are taken and others we want and like aren’t the “good ones” that you deserve.

I just ask that you don’t judge me if I keep making the same mistakes over and over again…it must be something I have to do right now in my life for some strange reason.  I don’t understand it as much as you don’t.  It’s just how it is right now.  I can’t help it.