Things are going pretty decent right now.  I can’t complain.  I have had quite a bit less stress in the panic attack area.  Today I had a mini one but my pal helped me through it and it ended in less than 3 minutes.  How’s that for small miracles?

Yesterday I got a small cut on my finger when I got to work but called my good friend over to sit with me while I worked through it and after a little while I made it though with no fainting from the minuscule little dot of blood that was there.  Another small miracle.

Gotta thank god for small miracles these days.

I’ve been able to go to restaurants without the panic I was feeling repeatedly…so far so good in that arena.

The other thing that I’ve been sorting through feelings about for a while is my divorce date.  I found out a week or so ago that it’s set for this Thursday at 9am.  I’m not sure if it will change but that’s what I’ve been told.  I think I’m going to go alone so I guess I will be praying for another small miracle on that morning – hoping that nothing sets me off.

Besides that…it’s also the fact that with the finality of the divorce looming it’s a strange feeling for me.  I’ll no longer be “in the middle of a divorce.”  I will BE DIVORCED.  I will not necessarily be “just single” but a “divorced girl.”  That lovely stigma will follow me everywhere I go.

Soon it will be very obvious at work when I come in the next day and change my name everywhere and everyone wonders what happened.  If they knew me when I was single then it will be obvious when I switch to my maiden name.  Those who ONLY new my current (married) last name may think that the change of name is due to marriage and slip up and tell me congrats.  I will have to say to them “um, no congrats necessary.”  Or “did you get married?” and I will say “um no, the opposite” and watch their faces turn into concerned, pitying frowns.  I know that will happen when people start to learn the truth because it already has MANY, MANY times.  THEN – I end up consoling their feelings, believe it or not, versus them consoling me.  It’s so fun… NOT

It’s just strange how fast my life changed.  One day I was married, the next moment he was moving out, the next minute I filed for the divorce, and then here I am 5 days from the final court ruling and the big fat divorce decree.  Joy to the world.

He may not have been the right man for me, and I may be “BETTER OFF” but it’s still a VERY tough thing to go through.  I may have friends and family around to be there for me but they aren’t in my head and they don’t hear my thoughts and feel my feelings.  The feeling is pretty indescribable and the only one who may understand it is someone who is divorced.  Then again, we all get divorced for very different reasons.

No one knows how much the relationship I was in screwed with my mind now that I look back on it and can clearly see his faults AND my faults as well.  Those faults have scared my mind a bit…mainly because I fear going down a similar path with someone else.  Or being fearful to commit to someone else completely and behave in a more guarded manner.  Worrying that the same thing is going to happen to me again and I won’t be able to take any more failure in something that I put my whole heart and soul into.

What a strange thing to go through.  What a strange thing it is to look back and the past 10 years or so and try to convince yourself that it wasn’t a waste.  Everyone gasps when I say that and they tell me that it was not a waste and that you had your good times during those years.  They say that was one part of your life and now you will start the next chapter.  I keep thinking that is fine but I wish the new chapter started years ago when there were MANY other single men still around!  Not now when I feel like there are SLIM pickins (more on that when I’m ready to deal with that issue).

Right now all I can say is that I’m in a weird place and I’m pretty quiet about it.  I’m not crying, pouting, or feeling despair about it.  I just feel strange about it.  It’s the final countdown to that part of my life.  The chapter is closing and I don’t think I want to look back on it.  I feel so wronged by my fate.  I wonder why a decent, caring, loving human being who gives of herself, is loyal til the end, and loves unconditionally deserves to go through this pain.  This rejection is not EASY.  Going through this feels so WRONG.

But, no matter what…I’m independent and I’m managing JUST FINE on my own.  I haven’t fallen apart…just moved FORWARD.  That’s all I can do.  I’m bucked in, driving along this road of life, and I will see where my path may lead.