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I love this song…I love the lyrics…sometimes I’m happy and sometimes feel like this.
Breathe Me – By Sia
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
“That night I started to think about belief. Maybe its not even advisable to be an optomist after 30, maybe pessimism is something we have to start apply daily, like moisturizer, otherwise how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all. Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?”
I guess you can say that I am the ultimate pessimist. I don’t mind an optimist’s views but they aren’t mine no matter how hard I try. I have always been a pessimist. I have always seen the glass half empty. I don’t always see the cloud with the silver lining.
No matter how hard anyone tries to convice me I can’t change that way of thinking. It actually gets me through really tough times. It allows me to NOT be disappointed when things don’t work out.
You see I believe that if I am a pessimist and have a percentage of doubt that something isn’t going to go perfectly my way I am not disappointed when I am right about that assumption. When I have doubt and things DO work out then I am twice as happy. That’s just how it works for me and how I get by. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. It’s just what I think.
I don’t walk around with a nasty pessimistic face or attitude though. I’m normally a happy go lucky person who tries to enjoy life but even when there are good things happening for me lately it’s hard to be extrememly happy because there is a part of me that is missing….
I’ve been doing well. Been busy. My side job has taken off to extraordinary heights and that makes me happy but it still only masks some of the loneliness I feel. I still have anxiety but it’s much, much less and more minimized in the attacks. I haven’t fainted once since I was out on the medication but I’ve come close in the beginning. Things have been progressively getting better in that respect.
Early this morning I hurt my head really bad when I walked into a doorjam in the dark and despite the scared feeling I got from the shock of it – somehow I didn’t faint from the pain which is a miracle in its own right. I think when you are faced with a fear and you just can’t lose yourself you will somehow find a way to get through it. If I were bleeding from my head that may have been a whole other story but I wasn’t so getting through it was important to me.
This has been a crazy year for me. So many things have happened that really made me STOP and think about my life. I’m still trying to figure out where it’s going and I think it’s going to be a long journey. The only thing that I can say is that you need to see every step of the journey through as you head where you’re going to end up. I’m not wasting any days any longer. I did that for many, many years.
I doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do to the best of my ability. I’m taking trips, making my hobby into a successful side job, hanging out with friends, reconnecting with old friends, trying to get out there and live my life the best way I know how right now.
I am keeping busy as I can and seeing where I end up. That’s all I can do. I don’t know where my life is going to be but that best thing I can do is be okay with where it is right now to the best of my ability and not torture myself along the way wondering where I will be.
I have some things bothering me that I don’t have time to write about now (lack of time seems to be my problem lately). I’m trying to get to bed earlier and I’ve ruined that with it being 1:07am as I write this. Sleep is a waste but I need it to get up for the day job without feeling like death. So I need to end this now and talk about my other issues later…if I can muster up the explanation of what’s been going through my head and write about it.
I have a lot to sort out as I go and it’s going to take a lot of time to be “OK.” For now I’m doing fine okay as I can be. That’s the best I can tell everyone who asks. So many people at work who have found out about the divorce due to my public name change have asked how I am and the only thing I can say over and over is this quote exactly “it’s been a long year but I doing okay.” That’s all I say and all they’re getting. That’s all anyone needs to know. Is that I’m okay….okay as I can be with where my life has taken me.
I’m over my head with work and all of the things that one must do once they divorce but I promise I will write soon. I tried to 6 times today but got interrupted. So, when I have some time I really do need to clear my head and write a little. It really helps.
So, tomorrow is the day.
It’s all very strange and I’m in a very quiet state. I’m not sure how I will feel afterwards. It all seems so unreal and as if I am floating through all of the past months leading up to this day. I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to where I am today and the calm state I try to keep myself in after all that has happened to me in the past year and one month.
Maybe I push it to the back of my head in the dark place where we choose not to visit. Maybe I feel it’s for the best so I don’t let it bring my spirits down. Maybe I just want to move on because I know it’s how it should be and it’s not going to change.
It’s best to not dwell in the past for me – it’s best to move forward only. I don’t let myself think too much ahead and torture myself with wondering where my life will take me. I guess I’m just trying to live in each day as it comes and try my best to be happy in that specific day.
I don’t know if it’s the medicine that is helping me be more even about my feelings and emotions but if it is well then praise the meds. If it’s me somehow magically coping with the cards I’ve been dealt well then praise me.
It’s scary that tomorrow is this invisible turning point. Almost as if after tomorrow I should feel a different way and start this “new life” that everyone keeps talking about.
I think I’ve kept myself from looking back and wondering if I could have done things differently so that I don’t torture myself. It’s really helped me to look ahead. I don’t know if one day I will find out that I should have been doing things differently through this past year for my mental well being but I will just feel good that I have held myself together and tried my best to stay positive.
When you hold yourself together and put on a good face the one thing that seems to happen is that everyone assumes that you are “sooooo okay” but sometimes you’re not. Sometimes you just don’t feel like talking about things anymore. You’ve played them all over in your head so many times that it makes you sick to even say anymore outloud about the subject. So, you walk in a state of “I’m okay. I’m doing fine” and people believe it. One reason they believe it is because there is only so much they can help you and it makes them feel bad when you’re not feeling good and they can’t help you. They don’t know what to say. They become relieved when they believe that you are alright and they don’t have to help you anymore. They don’t have to think of advice for you to make you feel better.
i guess that’s what I have done for a while. I’m sick of burdening the world with feeling bad for me. There is nothing else to talk about with my situation that hasn’t been said already so why discuss it anymore. Mostly I just sort it out in my own head. I’ve been having mostly good days in my life and when I’m sad and depressed and very lonely I just muttle through because it will only last so long.
I know that after tomorrow I will no longer be “poor XXX going through a divorce.” Soon I will be “XXXX the single divorced girl in her 30’s.”
A long time ago I didn’t feel like there was a light at the end of this tunnel. Now I feel that there must be. I deserve happiness so happiness will find me I’m sure. I just have to continue to keep myself from wondering obsessively as to WHEN this happiness is going to come knocking at my door.
On another note. My house still has NOT sold. It’s been on the market for months. I’m sick of caring for it. It’s a REAL GROSS MESS and I’m tired of keeping up with the mess. I feel distraught when I think of cleaning it. I keep WILLING it to sell already so I can get a little place of my own and REALLY TRULY start this new life everyone is talking about. On the other hand maybe I shouldn’t rush my wishing along because there will be new problems and new issues to deal with when it comes to selling the house and buying a new one all in 2 minutes. I should be another horrifying process to take over my life for weeks and weeks leaving me barely any time to concentrate at work, get my side business work done, find a place to live that i can AFFORD on my own that isn’t in the ghetto, pack, move, deal with lawyers, and all the hudreds of phone calls that come along with changing utilities over.
Yeah, yeah…bitch bitch. Complain, complain. Well, maybe that’s why I have this blog. To randomly write what comes out of my head as it develops. I think it helps.
I guess there are so many strange feelings and emotions inside of me and I’m not sure what they all mean. I know you will all say “hang in there kid, things will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will be happy, things are good, you’re strong” I know…I know….I can save you the typing. You must be tired of saying it over and over, I’m sure. Feel free to just say “hi” and let me know you were here. You don’t have to worry about trying to give me any advice. I realize that all of this is something I need to work out on my own inside myself and that’s what I’m doing.
I know I’m not alone in this but I know that no one else but me can make me okay with where my life started and where it ended. I need to be happy alone and with myself and I guess that will be the case for a while….
This was a long one. Hardly coherent thoughts forming one theme. I guess this time around I just wanted to free form write whatever came out of my head even if it did’t tell one full story and was a lot of babble.
Talk to you all soon, I’m sure…
Things are going pretty decent right now. I can’t complain. I have had quite a bit less stress in the panic attack area. Today I had a mini one but my pal helped me through it and it ended in less than 3 minutes. How’s that for small miracles?
Yesterday I got a small cut on my finger when I got to work but called my good friend over to sit with me while I worked through it and after a little while I made it though with no fainting from the minuscule little dot of blood that was there. Another small miracle.
Gotta thank god for small miracles these days.
I’ve been able to go to restaurants without the panic I was feeling repeatedly…so far so good in that arena.
The other thing that I’ve been sorting through feelings about for a while is my divorce date. I found out a week or so ago that it’s set for this Thursday at 9am. I’m not sure if it will change but that’s what I’ve been told. I think I’m going to go alone so I guess I will be praying for another small miracle on that morning – hoping that nothing sets me off.
Besides that…it’s also the fact that with the finality of the divorce looming it’s a strange feeling for me. I’ll no longer be “in the middle of a divorce.” I will BE DIVORCED. I will not necessarily be “just single” but a “divorced girl.” That lovely stigma will follow me everywhere I go.
Soon it will be very obvious at work when I come in the next day and change my name everywhere and everyone wonders what happened. If they knew me when I was single then it will be obvious when I switch to my maiden name. Those who ONLY new my current (married) last name may think that the change of name is due to marriage and slip up and tell me congrats. I will have to say to them “um, no congrats necessary.” Or “did you get married?” and I will say “um no, the opposite” and watch their faces turn into concerned, pitying frowns. I know that will happen when people start to learn the truth because it already has MANY, MANY times. THEN – I end up consoling their feelings, believe it or not, versus them consoling me. It’s so fun… NOT
It’s just strange how fast my life changed. One day I was married, the next moment he was moving out, the next minute I filed for the divorce, and then here I am 5 days from the final court ruling and the big fat divorce decree. Joy to the world.
He may not have been the right man for me, and I may be “BETTER OFF” but it’s still a VERY tough thing to go through. I may have friends and family around to be there for me but they aren’t in my head and they don’t hear my thoughts and feel my feelings. The feeling is pretty indescribable and the only one who may understand it is someone who is divorced. Then again, we all get divorced for very different reasons.
No one knows how much the relationship I was in screwed with my mind now that I look back on it and can clearly see his faults AND my faults as well. Those faults have scared my mind a bit…mainly because I fear going down a similar path with someone else. Or being fearful to commit to someone else completely and behave in a more guarded manner. Worrying that the same thing is going to happen to me again and I won’t be able to take any more failure in something that I put my whole heart and soul into.
What a strange thing to go through. What a strange thing it is to look back and the past 10 years or so and try to convince yourself that it wasn’t a waste. Everyone gasps when I say that and they tell me that it was not a waste and that you had your good times during those years. They say that was one part of your life and now you will start the next chapter. I keep thinking that is fine but I wish the new chapter started years ago when there were MANY other single men still around! Not now when I feel like there are SLIM pickins (more on that when I’m ready to deal with that issue).
Right now all I can say is that I’m in a weird place and I’m pretty quiet about it. I’m not crying, pouting, or feeling despair about it. I just feel strange about it. It’s the final countdown to that part of my life. The chapter is closing and I don’t think I want to look back on it. I feel so wronged by my fate. I wonder why a decent, caring, loving human being who gives of herself, is loyal til the end, and loves unconditionally deserves to go through this pain. This rejection is not EASY. Going through this feels so WRONG.
But, no matter what…I’m independent and I’m managing JUST FINE on my own. I haven’t fallen apart…just moved FORWARD. That’s all I can do. I’m bucked in, driving along this road of life, and I will see where my path may lead.
