Thinking in the silence

I’ve grown to hate the shower every night.  For some reason it’s the place where I do the MOST thinking.  Maybe it’s because it’s the one place in my house where I go and it’s just me and I have no outside distractions keeping my mind occupied.

I hate the things that run through my head there.  I want my mind to be silent sometimes and when I keep busy it is.  When it’s too quiet and isolated then I start to think A LOT.  Afterwards it puts me a down mood no matter what good things I have going for me…

I know I have a lot to be thankful and happy about but our emotions rule us.  We can try to be tough and fight them but they are too strong.  Emotions are too powerful.

I guess I will have to figure out how to take shorter showers so I have to do less “deep thinking.”  I hate when I get down in the dumps out of no where like this.  The good thing is that it’s happening less and less so yay for that.

Can’t wait to find something else to think about that puts a smile on my face from ear to ear…

Today – For Me

Today is September 11th.  Today is a day that will do down in history as a terrible tragedy and fill our hearts with sorrow for the rest of our lives.

Not only is a day that the nation mourns but it’s a day that is a turning point in my own life.

One year ago today my husband (at the time) stood in my kitchen and told me (as I bit into a cupcake) that he “wasn’t happy.”  I was shocked by the statement and it game me the worst feeling inside that I’ve ever felt in my life.

I remember calmly taking the cupcake and walking over to the drawer and taking out a ziploc bag.  I carefully placed the cupcake into the baggie and turned back around to him and told him that if he wanted to talk to me he could come upstairs and talk to me while I laid down in our room.  If I stood their any longer I thought I would pass out.

He came upstairs and the worst night of my life continued into the wee hours of 9/12.  I won’t go into the details of the hysterics but I will say that this day will never be forgotten for many reasons.

Today, 9/11/08, I look at the situation in a more positive manner. I look at one year ago as the day my life changed…but changed for the best.  We didn’t end things that day.  There was a long road of trying to reclaim the love he lost which in the end did not return.

That brings me back to today…waiting for the divorce to be final, waiting for my house to sell, and starting my life over.

September 11th is always going to remind me of a huge turning point in my life and will be a day for reflecting on “things lost.” But despite the loss I’m trying I’m trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Time Wasted

How do we keep from feeling like we have wasted precious time?  I ask this because sometimes I feel like I have wasted away many years of my life with someone who (in the end) discarded me and all the love and devotion I gave them.

This question doesn’t necessarily have to apply to relationships.  It can also apply to any task that you do that you don’t question if it’s the right thing to spend time on.  Does this make sense?  I hope so.

I spent 10 years with a person committing my life to a partnership with them.  Eventually we became more distant but there was still love and caring there.  No real fighting.  More time being spent separate from each other.  When I look back now at many of the things I “lived with” I wonder if I could have opened my eyes a little wider and have seen them for what they were.  And by that I mean…things that weren’t the greatest, weren’t what I wanted for my life, weren’t exactly what I wanted in a lifetime partnership.  I feel like I wasted so much time because I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face.

When we buy something like a new car we read, research and scrutinize the options, the price, the incentives, etc and we make comparisons to other vehicles in it’s class and then make a decision on our purchase.   With love it doesn’t work ANYTHING like that.  You have a spark, you date, and the next think you feel all giddy and “in love.”  Then you’re boyfriend and girlfriend and you get comfortable with this person and things continue on and on.  You don’t line up 10 guys like the Dating Game and do charts, graphs, comparisons, check their incentives and then make your decision on the closest match to what you’re looking for.

Love just sorta happens and then it’s years later after you get too comfortable and you start to see them for who they are.  Their good and their bad and you’re supposed to love both.  I did that!  I loved the good and the not so good.  I dealt with things that I would never ask for anyone else to put up with.  I loved him anyway.

I’m not perfect and maybe he feels the same way and that’s why he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore…who the hell knows with him.  I didn’t decide that. I just wanted changes if this was going to work out.  I said we could start all over but who was I kidding?  I couldn’t start over now looking back.

I think he was a bit mixed up in his mind but I don’t really care what his problem is.  I’m done with wondering about him.  I put all my effort into him and us during the months and months of counseling and when he couldn’t find the LOVE for me after all that I let him go.  Bu-bye!  YOU LOSE!  Not me!

I win!!  In a way it’s so true.  I win my life back.  One that feels very sad right now.  One that feels very lonely right now.  But that WILL NOT last forever.  I win because I didn’t waste 20-30 years of my life with someone that wasn’t the right fit for me.  Someone that I should have know wasn’t my perfect match way back when but I didn’t see it.  Even when I was 7-8 years into it I just stayed because that was my husband and that you I signed up for…commitment.

So, hopefully, going forward I will look into the depths of each man I choose to be with and decide if they are the right one for me.  They better have a hell of a lot more pros then they do cons or asta la vista baby!  Some people who aren’t the perfect guy for me are fine to date but for long term commitments they better shine like a star!

I still vote for lining them all up and doing a comparison shopping analysis…get all their graphs and charts and make an informed decision.  That way I pick the right one and no more of my precious time is wasted away for years and years until I open my eyes.  Whatdayasay?  Hmmm…I thought you’d say that wasn’t possible…  I’ll just have to go on instinct!

Sevendust – The Past

Beneath the water
that’s falling from my eyes
lays a soul I’ve left behind
the edge of sorrow was reached but now I’m fine
I’ve filled the hole I had inside

I’ll pray it doesn’t scream my name
so I light a flame and let it breathe
the air that kills the shame

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again

a risky morning
I feel like I’m alive
I can’t believe I’ve made it through this time
the edge of sorrow I lived in for some time
(lived in for some time)
has left the hole I have inside

The burden is I try my hate
was the last thing I ever felt
or thought I could escape

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again
[x2]

You let me in then broke me down
the difference is this time around
I will not let you see me try

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again
[x2]

Erased the past again now
Erased the past again

Beneath the water
that has fallen from my eyes

Too Forward?

Are the woman of “today” too forward?  Is it bad that we know what we want and we go for it?  Is it wrong that we say how we feel when we feel it and don’t hold back?

My take on it that I’d rather not waste time with guys trying to figure out what they want or what they are looking for by beating around the bush.  I’d rather lay the cards out on the table, say how I feel about them, get their honest reaction and run with that.   If it’s good I run into their arms if its bad and I run away from them.  Let’s get it all out on the table!

Remember my post from a long time ago where I mentioned that I’m sick of playing games?  I guess this goes along the same line.  There’s no reason for keeping things inside and having to dissect what a guy thinks.  We want men to be honest and upfront with us…or at least I do!

I can’t deal with needing a map to figure out the way to their heart or trying to “figure” out what they want from you.  It’s too much work.

Love & relationships should be the easiest things we deal with in our days. Work should be the hardest challenge in our day.  Instead relationships are like taking Calculus when you’re in the 1st grade.

PS:  The panic is still under experiment.  I haven’t had any attacks since the one at work that I last mentioned but I haven’t had anything to test me yet… we shall see as they say!