I Need a Life Nap

I know I’m not the only one who has been through this.  I know one day I will be happy.  I know that one day I will meet someone and fall in love.  I know.

But until that happens I must say that this is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my 32 years that I can remember.  It really has no instruction manual.  You have to feel the pain off loss…like a death.  You have to cope.  You have to “get out there” as I’m told over and over.

There will be other hurting I think.  Other painful moments.  Other mountains to climb.  I don’t see this as an easy path forward…a yellow brick road.  I see it as a challenge that I have no other choice but to take.  I must keep moving because that is me.  I’m no quitter.  I hit stumbling blocks along the way that set me back a little but I get up, dust myself off, and then trudge forward.  I never really give up (even when I’m in a situation where I really should give up and let go…I still keep trying).  Thank goodness I’m no quitter! Ha..

It’s just a hard thing to get used to.  A lonely exsistence in the darkness of the night.  I have a hard time with those moments.  I have a hard time going upstairs to bed every night.  My bed is huge and I share with my dog.   Thank god for him.  If I was completely alone without another living soul I might have gone nuts.  And thank god for my friendships.  They are the only thing I have that keeps me sane. 

Ten years is a long time to have a companion and then *POOF* they disappear right before your eyes.  Like a death…I’m in mourning for companionship I no longer have.  I’m trying to see the silver lining in the clouds…but right now I don’t see any clouds in the sky.

I’m trying not to make mistakes with “other” guys because I feel lonely.  I’m trying to think through my decisions.  Sometimes I slip but we all do it.  We all make silly decisions because we’re lonely but I’m slowly realizing it.  I’m slowly seeing that when you want things to be a certain way so you ignore the obvious signs that it’s just not right for you.  *sigh*  It’s hard to do the right thing.  It takes time to learn how to deal.  It takes a lot to be stong and NOT give into emotions. 

Life is hard.  But no one said it would be easy.  It seems that it’s mostly a struggle and I’m just kinda tired.  I need a life nap.

No News is Good News

No News is Good News

My Fat Lip

I have pretty bad luck it seems.  I had a little cut inside my mouth on my lip.  It made my lip a little fatter than usual. No big deal UNTIL I’m at a fun work team luncheon where we got a great lunch and I bit my lip in the same place so hard that it drew BLOOD—yes blood is my mortal enemy (in addition to anxiety).

The pain shot right through my entire body and I screamed to myself “Oh no – not again!”  I tried to sit there.  I tried to get past it.  I made it 2 minutes before I started to feel the panic rise (I really have the worst luck with this lately, don’t I?) I kept looking down at my hand after I would touch my lip and kept seeing blood.  I tried to wipe it away with my napkin but it kept bleeding.

I told my friend sitting next to me what happened and I could see her calmly keeping an eye on me.  Eventually I told her I needed to leave the room.  I got out and sat on the floor in the hallway and she stood there with me.  Eventually I got up and went into a nearby empty office of a co-worker and sat on the floor there until I felt better.  Then I graduated to sitting in a chair.  Then I decided that I was feeling better enough to re-join the group.  So we headed back in.

I felt okay and was actually able to eat the rest of my lunch and have a few good laughs with my co-workers.  Thank got it passed.  I was not in the mood to go through the horror of a fainting episode again.

If any other bad thing like this happens I may stop leaving the house.  Oh don’t worry…I don’t mean that.

Other than that debacle I went back to the doctor today for my 3 week update.  She up’ed my Lexapro dosage to 20mg.  I was all for it.  I figure the more milligrams the better.  I take that pill every day with joy.  I take it out of the bottle, look at it and pop it down my throat like it will solve the worlds problems (or at least hopefully mine!)

I’m patient boys and girls.  I am.  I just hope I can be one of the many, many people (including my own family member) who can say that this medicine changed my life.  I NEED A CHANGED LIFE!

I haven’t talked about my guy situation and at this point, I don’t think I really want to.  It’s something I’m trying to deal with internally and haven’t felt the need to write it all up here lately.  If I need to I will…but for now it’s hard enough thinking of it in my own head let alone write it out here….

On another note my divorce is closer to being final.  The settlement was drawn up and anyday now I will get a copy to sign and then the next step is the court date.  Once I have that it will be official.  I will be a SINGLE and take back my maiden name.  I will be officially starting over. Woop de do. Yip – e.  Throw a party. 

3 Weeks and a Day

Well, can you believe it? It’s been 3 weeks and a day.  I’m not better by any means but time will only tell to see if it has made a difference in my life.

I still walk around in fear everyday that it will happen to me again and it’s scary to walk around living in fear.  It makes you not try something for the fear of it striking wherever it decides to plague you.

After the car service center debacle I had a side job the next day and I woke up feeling sick inside.  All day long I didn’t want to go but I knew I HAD to.  I had no choice but to go.  So, my friend came with me (thank God) and about 45 mins before I had to work I took 1 Xanax.  By the time I had to do my thing I felt “ok” and I was my normal self while working which was good but I still was upset that the entire day I was “on edge.”

Then I was fine from Saturday night until Wednesday when I had a meeting at work with some people that I had talked to many times on the phone before but never met in person.  I was the only one meeting with them so I didn’t have that security blanket of people I knew well going to the meeting with me.  I went to pick them up at the security desk and I felt totally fine.  I brought them to the room to meet with someone else first.  Then I came back later to join them for our meeting.

When I got in the room I was fine for quite a few minutes but then I found myself not being able to concentrate on anything else but the rising feeling of panic.  I truly felt for a minute that I was going to lose it and that I was going to have to cut everyone off to tell them that I needed to get up and sit on the floor of the confernece room.

I didn’t want that to happen more than anything in the world so I started drinking my cold ice water trying to bring that cold feeling through my body hoping to squash that hot feeling that was coming over me.  Then within that minute I decided that I needed to take a Xanax (which thankfully with my girl scout nature I brought with me just in case…I never was a girl scout by the way…I just behave like one).  I took one quickly not caring if anyone noticed me taking something.

And then I just sat there quietly, breathing, trying to pay attention to what the woman was saying across from me.  I drank my water and silently prayed for this feeling of horror and dread to pass.  I silently prayed for my medication to work for me and the misfires happening in my brain to calmly go back to a dormant state.  I sucked the water through the straw praying for peace to finally return to my life.  The panic subsided, the meeting continued, I finished the rest of my work day in a very sleepy manner (falling asleep at my computer at least 3 times) and then I went home.

I had a terrible night, personally, that night and felt so sad inside that I went to sleep early (by my standards) and decided to work from home the next day.  I needed some time alone to concentrate and to work on feeling better for all of the things that were bothering me and I just couldn’t imagine sitting through another day in the office smiling and trying to conduct myself in a happy manner when all I wanted to do was cry.

Today I go back to the supermarket for the first time since the horrible panic attack in the froze aisle.  My friend is actually going with me because I just don’t want to go alone this time.  It’s been 3 weeks so I’m hoping that I feel completely normal there.  The mind works its own scary ways…I’m sure I will be okay since I won’t be alone to face this place.

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor just to follow up on how things have been going. We’ll see what she recommends when I tell her how it’s been.

I’ve felt fine with the anxiety since Wednesday which is good but I still walk in fear of when it will strike again.  I’m not sure if that feeling will go away in time as the panic happens less and less but we shall see…

Things Have Been So-So

Just a quick update.  Been soooo busy with work and side work that I haven’t had time to write up all of my thoughts about how I am feeling and what’s been going on with me.

The streak ended obviously by my last post and things weren’t so good that day and I had a couple other bad days that I’d like to write up.  I really want to track the progress of this and how I’m doing because I feel it’s important to be able to look back and see if there is progression, etc.  I hope to have time soon to put my thoughts down and write everything up.

Just in case you were worrying about me I wanted to say that “I’m okay today” and that’s the best I can do.  Living one day at a time!

I have the doctor Monday morning (just to follow-up where I am after 3 weeks) and get a refill prescription.  We’ll see how the goes.  Who knows…they may have to up the dosage…I’m not sure.  More to come.

The Streak Ended

Well…things took a turn for the worst this morning…the 5 days streak has ended.

I had to bring my car for service at the dealer this morning and I wasn’t feeling so great inside today when I woke up…but of course I got ready for work and headed to the dealership.

When i got inside I was okay at first and I waited to be helped.  Then when I was about to be done with the guy at the counter I didn’t feel well all of a sudden and I felt that bad feeling coming on.  I quickly gave him the key to my car and scribbled some incohernet signature on the form and started walking away to sit down.  I felt the swirling fainty feeling coming on and I wanted to be sitting.

I thew my bags on the chair in the waiting area and frantically tried to get my Xanax out.  I knew that it takes time to work but I didnt’ care because I felt that I needed to have it in me anyway with the way I was feeling from all of this.

I started dropping Xanax out everywhere with my frantic behavior and shaky hands.  This lady was sitting there waiting too so I ended up looking at and said “I’m not feeling well!” and she asked me if I needed anything.  I had to sit on the floor so I wouldn’t faint and fall off the chair and I decided that even if i was embarrased…I had to do that.

I asked her to get me water and she did.  Somehow I didn’t faint – but almost was there at that point..the swirling..the clamy sweatiness…the hot then cold feeling was all there.  She told the service guy to get me the water and the one guy came to see if I was okay.  I was sitting up against a chair by then so he didnt see me lying on the floor for two minutes (thank god because that is such a scene)!

He asked me if I wanted to sit in the chair and I “uh, no, I better stay down here.”  He left me alone and eventually I got up and sat in the chair.  My color came back as my blood pressure stablized and the sweaty, clamy, cold feeling went away. I felt like crap inside though.  I didn’t want to take the Nissan shuttle van to my work so I called my co-worker Imac hoping she was still on her way to work driving.  She answered right away (thank god) and I asked her to turn around and pick me up because I didn’t want to take the shuttle at all at that point!

She gladly came to pick me up and drove me to work.  By the time I got there my Xanax has made me so sleepy that I feel asleep sitting up in my work desk chair 10-15 times today!

I’m sure its the medicine but it’s also the fact that I didn’t sleep enough last night 2am-730 is not long enough!

So today really sucked…

My friend did take me out for dinner which was nice to get out of the house…but I’m pretty down.

Such is life.

Sort of Relieved but Not Fully

I feel relief that it’s been 5 days where I wasn’t subjected to the the torture of that terrible sensation of panic even once.

My mind is not at rest though!  It isn’t at ease with the situation yet.  It’s been 5 days without panic but there have been no true tests yet.  Sunday was a plus because I was worried going to the beach would cause one but it didn’t.

I was with a friend that I felt safe with so that may have helped put me ease and I never had any panic.  Besides the beach it was an easy quiet week at work.  No meetings to attend that I didn’t want to go to, no one bothering me, no lunches where I ate out…I wasn’t in any situations that would allow one to come on.

Saturday will be a true test for me…I have things to do that sometimes make me very nervous.  True tests still to come…

3 Days With NO PANIC!

Yes, it’s true.  3 days with not one ounce of panic.

I haven’t had anything particularly scary to do though..let’s see how the side job I have on Saturday goes and the presentation I have to do next Tuesday.

Then we’ll see me under pressure…those are true tests.

Beth Orton – Ooh Child

Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things’ll get brighter
Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things’ll get brighter.

Someday yeah, we’ll put it together and we’ll get it undone
Someday when your head is much lighter
Someday yeah, we’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday when the world is much brighter.

Ooh things are gonna be easier
Ooh child things’ll be brighter
Ooh child things are gonna be easier
Ooh child things’ll be brighter.

Someday yeah, we’ll put it together and we’ll get it undone
Someday when your head is much lighter
Someday yeah, we’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday when the world is much brighter.

Someday yeah, we’ll put it together and we’ll get it undone
Someday when your head is much lighter
Someday yeah, we’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Someday when the world is much brighter.

Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things’ll get brighter
Ooh child things are gonna get easier
Ooh child things’ll get brighter

2 Days…No Attacks

Good news.  2 days and no panic attacks.

Yesterday included an hour long trip to the beach, a long walk to get to the beach carrying lots of things, only 1.5 hours on the beach due a giant storm coming, and then a relaxing evening hanging out.

Today got up, went to work…came home.  Uneventful…which is a good thing!

So, 2 days and no swirling crazy feelings. Let’s see if things can get better from here.

YAY.

How Am I?

How am I…hmmm.  I’m okay right now as the clock strikes midnight but I can’t say I was okay the entire day.  I slept in and took my time getting up.  I stayed in my pajamas most of the day even though it was beautiful today which was okay by me.

I was fine until the time got closer and closer to when I had to get ready to go out and meet a friend and her husband at 6pm.   I was doing a favor for them and had to leave by 5.  For a few hours leading up to getting ready I just didn’t feel like myself. I felt nervous inside and I had no reason to at all.  I was meeting up with my oldest friend out of any of my friends (I’m talking pre-school old friend).  I am never nervous around them but today I was nervous and anxious overall.

I asked SingleChildhoodfriend to go with me and she agreed. I thought better of driving and hour alone feeling like this and I needed her help anyway for the favor I was doing.

When we met up with my friend I was instantly feeling that anxious feeling again and I just kept trying to push myself to do what I needed to do.  I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to do that on my own and it was like my hands were shaking so I decided I would take a half of a Xanax.  I have the most mild Xanax as it is so a half probably did nothing for me but I didn’t want to feel dopey when I had work to do for them (I apologize…as you can tell I’m keeping things very vague because since this blog is anonymous I don’t want to give toooo much away as to what I was doing for my friends as a favor).

Anyway, so I took the half a pill and we went on our way to do what I needed to do…and halfway through I felt anxious again and I was in the middle of working with them and I had no choice but to push myself through it.

I made it through but it was still frightening how this terrible feeling can happen anywhere.  I hate it.  I can’t expect people to come with me every time I have something to do.  I have to be able to go back to being able to doing things alone….big things and small things like going to the supermarket.  I know I will have to do that again very soon because I’m virtually out of things to eat and I have to force myself to go…and I think I have to do it alone to get past the fear I have of going back there and walking down the aisle where the panic and fainting happened.

I can’t believe that I have had a panic attack almost every single day since last Sunday.  The only day I didn’t was when I worked from home one day…and of course I didn’t then..I was home in my comfort zone.

So…that’s how I am today… I will say that I can’t believe this is happening to me… It makes no sense to me…  I know I am going through a lot but this is out of control… I’ve had anxiety for over 10 years but never everyday of my life… nothing close to this by a mile…

Time marches on… soon I will be better… I know it…  Because I have to… I can’t any get worse.  I am patient and I have to keep marching on because if my spirit breaks then I am in serious trouble.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

-W.W. Bartley

When Will it End?

Today was my day off and something I couldn’t wait for.  I needed it after the week I had.  When ever I have these Friday’s off I need to do something FOR ME.  It can’t be filled with chorse or errands it needs to be something that is fulfilling to me.

Today was another amazing weather day so I desperately wanted to do something outdoors.  My mom called and asked what I was doing because she had off as well.  I told her to come over, we’d go to lunch and find somewhere to go for a rider after lunch.

We went to lunch in a great little college town by where I live at a nice restaurant.  Everything was fine until we sat down at the table with our menus.  Yes…until then.  That’s when I started to feel the anxiety rising in my insides again.  I told my mom immediately and she completely understood because she suffers from anxiety too.  I tried to concentrate on my menu but I couldn’t focus on one word the menu said.  I knew the waitress would be back again and I had no idea what I was going to order because I couldn’t even see any of the words.  My mind was a mess.

My mom acted like moms do and told me to forget about it think about something else (which is virtually impossible when you’re me).  It was so strange…the feeling.  It wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it was happening.  It’s so hard to describe the feeling if you never had a panic episode in your life.  It’s overwhelming and your mind just can’t let go…it drifts off into a world of fright and fear of what will happen next and you feel like you’re spiraling out of control even if you’re sitting still in a chair (at least for me it does).

I was in a nice restaurant, sitting by the window, on a beautiful day off from work with my own mother (the safest person to be with in my life).  So, why was this happening to me?  I think it was mind over matter.  It’s been happening so much more lately and I think that my mind is creating these episodes for no reason because it’s all I’ve been thinking about lately.  I think it’s because I’m walking around so upset about what has been happening to me, wanting them to go away, waiting patiently for my medicine to work, that it’s almost as if I’m thinking about anxiety all day rather than trying to forget it and enjoy my life.  Mind over matter…that’s all it is.  And my mind has a stronger will than my personal will to want to enjoy my life and not be afraid.  My mind is more powerful then I can control right now and I’m trying to be patient and waiting for all of that to change.

Today I sat there and decided I needed to try something to fight this terrible feeling inside my body.  I don’t get the tingly, sweaty, chest pains or heart palpitations like others do.  I feel a swirling dizzying feeling and when it gets to far I hear a ringing in my ears and black out/faint.  I wasn’t letting that happen today.  NO WAY!

I tried tightened up my whole body like a kid does when they don’t want to do something.  I don’t know why I tried that but it was like I was trying to fight the feeling by clenching up my body…like squeezing out the bad feeling.  I also found myself rocking slightly (not to where anyone would notice) but a slow forward and backward movement to try to calm myself.

My mom thought I was breathing fast and I told her I wasn’t.  She told me to take a Xanax and I refused.  I said that I had never had one before and I don’t know how I would react.  She said don’t worry you’ll be fine.  I told her I can’t not worry…that’s what I do!  And then I regretted that I had never tried a Xanax at my house just to test how they felt in a safe environment.  Eventually my mom convinced me I would be okay and I threw all my caustious behavior out the window and took one.  Once I swallowed it I said to my mom “too late now!”

Twenty-five minutes later I felt a little dopey but not as bad as Klonopin used to make me feel (my old “on the spot” panic medicine).  My mom was shocked that it made me feel a little loopy/cloudy because it is only .025 mgs. which I think is the smallest dosage.  I was still functional and enjoyed my meal and felt NORMAL again.  I didn’t care if I was a little out of it because I was better.

After lunch we walked around town for a little bit enjoying the weather and I even ran into an old college friend who coincidentally lives close to me.  It was nice to see her and chat for a few minutes.  Despite another episode the day ended good…which is a positive…. I just wish this would stop because I don’t want to fear doing things… I want to be happy and life a normal happy life, carefree, with no regrets.  That’s all I want.

Since Tuesday

Well, since Tuesday I have had 2 more panic attacks.  I’d call them mini-attacks because there was no fainting involved (thank god).  Not really fun at all but I got through them.  It’s sickening how much they have increased in frequency.  Anymore without medicine and I might have had to go out on disability and become a hermit trapped in my home.

Wednesday I was fine until lunch time when I didn’t feel so great in my stomach.  I ate something plain and took it back to my desk.  Then my friend called me to ask what happened to me and I told her the fast version of the past couple week’s events since she didn’t know.

While I was talking to her my stomach started to turn and I got anxious.  I told her I wasn’t feeling well and she came to the conclusion that maybe it was because I was talking about the whole thing and I couldn’t argue that because maybe she was right.  We changed the subject and I eventually felt better.

Early this morning I met with my “interim” boss.  I told her all about my issues and she was wonderful, just as I knew she would be because she is a great person and she likes me a lot which makes me feel safe.  Safe because there are a lot of changes going on in my division within my company and I need to NOT lose my job on top of everything else I am losing lately.

She was so understanding and said that her husband suffers from anxiety attacks as well so she understands more then others would…more them my former assh*le boss would ever understand, who I suffered with for 5 years.  She was so supportive and I felt good and SAFE at work for now.

Then later today was a whole other situation.  I met my friend for lunch at Panera Bread.  He first suggested Friday and don’t ask me why I just felt like I could not go there.  I have no idea why I was blocking out Fridays as an option but I was.  He finally agreed on Panera, I left the office, went to Panera, walked inside, saw that it was a mod scene, got on line and waited because I didn’t see him there yet.  While I was standing there I started to get the swirling feeling in my stomach and my head again.  I thought to myself – NO NOT AGAIN!!!  I tried to stay there on line and call my friend but he wasn’t answering which I think made me more upset…but I stayed there in line.  Eventually I tried him again, didn’t get him, and I decided that I HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE!

I left and went outside and then I decided that I wanted to head to my car and sit there til he came and tell him that I CANNOT go inside there.  As I was walking to my car I saw him and I was relieved that I had him there when I felt like this.  He was upset about something, I let him talk, and then I told him what happened.  He felt so bad for me but he is one of the people who has been through this personally and was on Lexapro.  He hugged me and I started to cry.

Of course he wasn’t making me go into Panera Bread after that.  He decided that we’d get in his car and go somewhere else.  We actually took a long drive to a restaurant I like and the long drive helped me to calm down quite a bit.  At that point I didn’t care how long I was away from work.  By the time we got to the restaurant I was 80% okay but felt safe with him because I knew he 100% understood what I was feeling and would take care of me in a heartbeat.  I didn’t have the hugest appetite but I got soup & an appetizer and we talked and hung out.  He paid for lunch which was very sweet and then drove me back to my car.

When I got back to work my morale was a bit down in the dumps but I made it through the day with the hopes of a better future for myself.

And the Beat Goes On

Wow, I’ve been trying to write this post for days. I think it’s been saved in my drafts since July 30th. I’ve been wanting to write about everything that has been going on for days but every time I would sit down and write I’d get interrupted or side tracked.

I hope I didn’t lose all of you in the process!

So, let me give you the run down of the happenings in my life since last week.  It’s been a little bit crazy and a bit of a roller coaster (as usual!!)

Last Monday – went to the doctor.  Got prescribed Buspar.

Tues – took pill #1 – laid around all day working from home so I couldn’t tell if the medicine was affecting me yet (and it was only day one)

Wed – took pill #2 – went to work…felt loopy…almost tripped getting out of my car but I thought I was just tired from lack of sleep.  Felt a little out of it all day at work.  This was the day my co-worker Imac took me for pizza and I had a mini-panic attack.

Thursday – Took pill #3

Thursday night -  I started to do a lot of thinking about my decision at the doctor’s office Monday where I let the doctor convince me to take BuSpar for my treatment (rather than Lexapro which was was what I was going to ask for).  The reason I was going to ask for Lexapro is because I have a few close friends with similar anxiety issues to mine who told me that Lexapro changed their life.

After I left the office, I left it with a twinge of regret that grew each day as I talked to 5 close friends with crippling anxiety who were put on Lexapro (I know…can you believe 5 people close to me feel similar as I do? I find it insane that this is a problem for so many).  The majority told me to get my medicine switched.

I know that different drugs work differently for different people but in my mind I knew I would be unhappy and doubting everything unless I went with my first instinct which was to START with Lexapro and see if it was right for me.  If it wasn’t then I would try something else.  What could that hurt?  At least my mind would be at ease knowing this had worked for so many others who literally said the words “Lexapro changed my life.”

When you hear multiple people say that to you – your mind says “girl! get yourself on that!.”  So, that’s what I did.  I called first thing Friday morning and told the doctors office that I was very unhappy with how the BuSpar was making me feel and that I wanted the Lexapro.  They reviewed it with the doctor that was in that day and they called in a 30 days supply for me to the pharmacy.

When I got the medicine at the pharmacy that day I felt a wave of relief wash over me that I had never felt earlier when I picked up the BuSpar prescription.  So, I knew that, if anything, this has eased my mind considerably and that’s what I needed.

The new medicine’s only side effects so far are exhaustion.  I was so tired and a little out of it on the first day I took it (Saturday morning) but that was probably because I hardly slept the night before.  Then Sunday I took the 2nd pill and felt okay in the day but by Sunday night I had yawned so many times my mouth began to hurt and I was out for the night for my friends birthday.  The exhaustion carried over into Monday when I went to work.  I literally could have slept under my desk (like George Costanza on Seinfeld) if my work allowed naps.   I also didn’t feel the greatest in my stomach so I ate a nice plain lunch of grilled chicken with rice which made me feel a lot better.

I made it through the day and felt okay enough to take my friend out for her birthday Monday night.  That brings me to today.  I woke up so tired and not feeling that great in my stomach that I decided it would be best to work from home.  At first I was going to go in late but I pressed snooze so many times that it was no use getting ready and driving all the way to work that late in the day.  I got more done staying home working in my pajamas and I was much happier home (of course).

Hopefully, tomorrow (day 5), I will wake up feeling much better then I did today.  It’s very hard for me to go work when I don’t 100% because it makes me anxious (what else is new).

I think I will be alright.  As the New Kids on the Block used to sing… “I’m hanging tough” through this period of adjustment and I think I will be better then new!