Day 2

When I first created this blog I had no idea it would be a place to help me with writing about my anxiety and panic attacks.  I thought it would be more of a place to talk about going through divorce, being single, starting over, talking about dating in your 30s, etc etc.  I never thought it would morph into what it has…but I’m glad it did.  I don’t mind that it did.  It’s been very helpful for me to get it all out and be able to read what I’ve said and look back to see how I’ve progressed or worsened.

The other thing that I’m happy about is the fact that in about month or so this blog has gotten over 2000 hits as of today.  When I look at the WordPress stats pages I’m overwhelmed by the amout of hits it gets for the topic of anxiety, panic attacks, fainting from anxiety, etc.  Although 98% of these people hitting my blog don’t comment…I feel good knowing that reading about what I’m going through may help them in some way, shape, or form.

I didn’t to get help for over 10 years (since May of 1997 actually) and now I finally did.  So, if a stranger reading that can see that even a hold out like me can do it…maybe they will to.  I had one reader write me an email telling me that they were fainting too but felt they were too young to ask for help.  I tried my best to tell them that you’re never to young to reach out and tell someone (parents, etc) and get help.  I can only hope that the pain and sadness this has caused me will help someone in a positive way.

Day 2 was a little strange for me….

I tired to go to bed early last night and that didn’t work.  I had so many things on my mind (I was out of the office since Thursday so it’s always hard for me to go back to work after that many days out on top of everything I was thinking of in my head in the darkness of my bedroom).

I woke up to my screaming alarm and pressed snooze several times.  I couldn’t get up.  I didn’t want to get up.  I felt that little familiar twang of anxiety that know all too well in my stomach.  After 3 snoozes I forced myself up because I knew I HAD TO go to work.  I got ready, took my medicine, and left.  I made it to the office but when I was getting out of the car I didn’t feel like my normal self walking into my office building.  I felt a little anxious (and I never feel that way about work).

I think I felt that way because I’m aware that I’m a 2nd day of a medication that always scared me to get and start taking, I was dead tired from not sleeping early enough, I hadn’t been in the office physically for day (even though I worked from home), I was worried what I was going to tell my co-workers (although they are all great people) and I am obviously and more anxious person overall lately so that was a factor as well.

When I got in I was okay, my co-workers started to arrive and my good friend/co-worker iMac (we’ll call her) came over to see why I was out and if I was okay.  I told her the whole supermarket story and she was very sympathetic and tried to give me her best advice…then one of the dept. “leaders” came over to see if I was okay and I told her as well.  I’m not afraid or ashamed to tell people.  They NEED to know in order to support me and help me through this.  I can’t do it alone.  I won’t tell everyone…just the people that I need to know.

iMac asked me out to lunch to our favorite pizza place.  Everything was fine until I walked over to order a 2nd slice of pizza. For some reason when I sat back down I had a wave of panic that washed over me.  It lasted for a minute and didn’t go any further.  She made sure I was okay and that I didn’t need anything.  I told her that I think I just needed to close my eyes for a few minutes and be still and quiet.  Then I was okay…

The whole thing really bothered me. 1) because I can’t believe how many times these attacks were happening compared to the last 10-11 years of my life and 2) I couldn’t believe where they were happening and 3) I couldn’t believe they were for no reason.  All VERY scary to me.  But lucky there was no scene in the pizza place (especially since when were leaving I realized the cute mailroom guy was 2 booths over after he waved and smiled at me).  I would have died if I had a panic attack and fainting episode there!

Besides that I didn’t go to my SingleChildhoodfriend’s birthday dinner with her family tonight.  That broke my heart but I knew it was for the best and she completely understands the whole situation.  We made plans to go to dinner together for her birthday Monday, just the two of us, which will be better for me.  I need to avoid certain situations right now in order to feel comfortable and that’s what’s best for me.

To end the night on a good note.  I head from GIGUY via sweet text messages.  He and I had a fun banter back and forth over text a while which was quite enjoyable to me and made me smile (a lot).  Singlechildhoodfriend was happy for me that I heard from him and she made me laugh out loud when she said something like…see what 30 seconds can do for you! She’s right…if only he really realized that it’s so easy to make me happy!  A simple text, email, Instant Message here and there is all I needed (and I have told him this before).  Just to know someone you really care about (and have had a friendship with for over 12 years) was thinking about me and reaching out to me is all I ever really want(ed) at this point with him being so far away.

One of my friends is going through a really rough time right now (actually a couple of them are) and I’m trying to focus my energy on them.  Sometimes it helps to get your mind off your own problems.  I feel like there’s not much I can do except be there for them so that’s what I’ll try to do.