Today I made it one step closer.  One step closer to getting better.

Baby steps…baby steps.

I stayed home from work, called and made an appointment to go to the doctors at 3:15pm, stayed in my bed working until I had to force myself to get up and get ready to go.

CapricornSoulSister picked me up and took me to the appointment.  I was so happy that did.  I’m not sure how I would have fared going alone.  I know I needed to go and I was determined to go after what happened yesterday but if I had to go alone I was fearful I might panic.  I think I still would have gone (or made MammaBear go with me) but I was happy that CSS went with me. I even made her sit in the actual exam room with me while I met with the doctor.

Doctor “M” was great.  I felt very comfortable with her from the moment she entered the room.  That was a plus for me.  If I was uncomfortable then that is a negative for me right away.  We talked for quite a while and I told her all about me.

She said that I don’t seem to have any signs of depression so she didn’t think I needed to go on a combination drug such as Zoloft or Lexipro.  I had Lexipro ingrained in my head even before I went because I know 3 other friends who were on it.  But once she explained about the combination drugs I trusted her and took her suggestion of Buspar which is just for generalized anxiety versus anxiety and depression.

I feel some doubt about my decision to go with Buspar but I have to trust that she thought and give it a try.  I will never know until i gets into my system and it’s going to take 3-6 weeks to feel any kind of results.

When I keep hearing that my friends are happy on something else it makes me confused and worried that I should have went with my first instinct and asked for what they have (Lexipro).  I found out my one friend took Buspar first and that is the one that didn’t work for him.  Then I found out my Dad took Buspar back in the day and it wasn’t helpful for him. So, then crazy me gets worried about it not helping me and I need help asap.

I can’t even stand the fact that I have to wait weeks for attacks to lessen.  I need things to start work NOW but I will try to hang on and wait.  She also prescribed me a benzodiazepine Xanax if I had an onset attack.  I had been taking Klonopin but it made me feel so dopey even when I’d break it in half or sometimes in a quarter.  So, I was willing to try Xanax if I needed it.  I try to never take benzo’s unless I desperately have to.  I don’t know why…I guess I just fight the need to take anything that I really don’t need in me.

I go back to see Dr. “M” in three weeks so she can check on me and see if I have any symptoms.  In the meantime I know I personally have to eat a little better, and go to sleep earlier.  2:30 is TOO LATE and I seem to be seeing that number on my clock at bedtime a little too much lately.  If I even shoot for 1:00am it’s a step in the right direction (and I can go from there to see if I can even start heading up to bed at 12:45…not likely…but 1am is better than nothing!)

When I go back to Dr. “M” I have to be careful to not be upset if nothing has worked yet because with seeing her in 3 weeks I probably won’t see any changes at all.  I will talk to her to see how long I should stick it out before I start worrying that it’s NOT working.

If you couldn’t tell I’m a “worrier.”  I worry about everything because I want to make sure I’m making the right decisions for me in my life.  I think about things thoroughly…look how long it took me to go to the doctor to stop my suffering.  I think it will be a huge set back if this medicine doesn’t do something positive for me and I need to switch to something else.  I am the kind of person that really needs it to work but I am also a doubtful person that isn’t sure it will.  Who the hell knows. It’s a waiting game.  Let’s just pray I don’t get any bad side effects because that isn’t a good thing for a girl who used to only faint from blood and pain and now faints from not feeling well (NOT GOOD!).  So keep your fingers crossed for me that I have one piece of good luck in my life for once.

I told my soon to be X-husband about what happened to me quickly this morning because I needed to know where the doctors office was.  He asked why I was going and I only gave him the short version.  He seemed worried about me and I’m sure he genuinely was.  It’s not like he doesn’t love me anymore after 10 years together (he’s just not IN LOVE – uuuuuughhhhhh!)  He told me to call him afterward and I didn’t call right away because CapricornSoulSister and I met up with ICan’tBelieveHowMuchWeAreAlike for dinner (which was a welcome relief after the day I had)!  So, since I didn’t call him right away he called me at home and on my cell to see what happened.  I told him more about what had been going on with me and he was very surprised.  He couldn’t believe how much worse I got.  I was like – of course I’m worse!  There’s just too much to handle!  I complained about taking care of this huge house alone, not waiting to clean, and take care of weeds, etc and then he offered (if I needed it) to come and help me clean on a weekend, etc.  I probably won’t take him up on it and will just trudge through.  I don’t need him.

I heard from GI GUY as well over text while I was in the waiting room of the doctors office.  It was as a result of a quick email I wrote him last night from my telephone when I was at my saddest lying there watching television trying to calm down from the horrible feeling I had in my stomach and the panic that was swirling around in my head all night.  I told him something terrible happened to me but I wouldn’t go into detail because he had enough to worry about.  I just said I was watching TV, trying to relax, and that I thought of him and wanted to let him know.  I don’t know why I wrote it…I just felt compelled to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him what was wrong with me over text.  I’d rather tell him on the phone or at least on IM with our webcams on, etc.

I didn’t hear back from him until the above mentioned time (today at the doctors office at around 3:30pm).  I was happy I did hear from him and he said he was sorry because his service has been intermittent and was worried about what happened to me and wanted to know if I was okay.  I replied that I was at the doctors office and that hopefully soon I’d be feeling more like “myself.”  I thanked him for checking on me and said I was sorry to hear how insanely busy he was.  I told him I hoped he was okay and that I missed talking to him but I totally understand what it must be like (blah blah).  I thought that’d be the last I heard but he texted again and said “u had a bad night…did someone hurt you?” and said he’d try to call soon. I just replied that…yes it was a very bad night, don’t worry, no one hurt me and that it was easier to explain if we talk so call me when you can.  Whatever.  At least he was concerned.  But it really doesn’t matter…

Thank goodness I made it through today and I have to take one day at a time with this medicine.  My doctor told me to throw away those crazy side effects sheets because they will drive someone like me MAD!  So I only read the warnings right on the bottle which aren’t that scary (except the one that said ‘may cause dizziness’…I’m dizzy enough when I don’t feel good so I don’t need anymore dizzy feelings! LOL)

Let’s just pray that I put the pill in my mouth tomorrow morning when I wake up.  That is step two in the right direction.  Step 3 will be to NOT OBSESS about the pill running through my system and what it is doing to me and what side effects I will feel.  I have to promise myself that if I don’t feel good for any reason that it’s not the pill attacking my system.  Again, let’s just hope that I am lucky and okay.  Let’s hope that I got a drug that will work for me and that I can be on my way to happiness and ZEN.

I don’t want to be trapped in my home unable to leave…I want to live my life.

Please, Buspar, be my saving grace!