As I sit here and write this I can hardly see the computer screen as tears are falling so fast out of my eyes that it’s making it almost impossible to see.

I had the worst experience ever just now at the supermarket.  I was almost done with my shopping and was making my way down the frozen aisle when all of a sudden it came over me —that terrible anxious feeling — that I don’t normally feel unless I’m cut, bleeding, or am feeling really really sick inside.

I tried to fight it as I made my way down the aisle, I tried to look into the glass doors at the frozen food to find the rice I like and I couldn’t find it. I walked a little further and was screaming to myself inside my head that this wasn’t going to happen to me here.  I would not allow this to take over.  NO NO NO.

I kept walking down the aisle and got stuck behind some fool who was walking at a snail’s pace and that wasn’t moving fast enough for me.  All I wanted him to do at that point was to get the hell out of the way!  When I finally got around him towards the end of the aisle I started to panic more.  I didn’t know what to do.  I started to make the turn out of the frozen/bread aisle but then I thought better of doing that.  I needed to be able to just get to a safe place to sit down.  I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be able to fight this one off.

I had been laughing with her in an aisle earlier when she was talking about how cold it was in the store.  I told her I agreed and said that I couldn’t feel my feet.  I actually saw the same nice lady pushing her shopping cart w/ her young son in the cart and I turned to her (praying) and asked if she could help me and that I wasn’t feeling well.  She was very sweet and she did help me.  Holly was her name and I will be forever grateful to Holly for her kindness (if only I had asked for her address I would have sent her a thank you).

I told her that I needed to sit down and I did.  Right at the end of the aisle on the floor next to the breads.  I told her quickly that I had anxiety, etc and she asked if I had anything to take and I said yes and she handed my pocketbook.  I grabbed a Poland Spring right out of the bottom of my cart and took half of an anxiety pill.  I sat there gulping water…still not feeling well.

Then I knew I had lost the battle because that spinning feeling took over in my head and I had to lay down.  Somewhere in the process of laying down and fainting my Poland Spring water spilled all over the place and was all wet under me.  My entire back of my shirt was soaked when I woke up.

Woke up to not knowing where the hell I was and what had happened to me and who the strangers were looking at me.  Woke up with terrible embarrassment and hearing the word “ambulance” and I remember saying “no no no ambulance needed.”  I asked if they could get everyone out of the area who was staring at me and they did.

The store manager Barbara was also a wonderful person who made me feel extremely comfortable and finally after a while I was able to sit up but kept myself planted seated on the floor.  Thank goodness the full cart of food was blocking me and most people couldn’t really see what was going on.  They got me a METS T-shirt from the next aisle to put on instead of my wet shirt (thank goodness super markets carry random clothing items).

I told Holly thank you for being there for a total stranger (how wonderful was she!) and I let her go on her way with her shopping because I couldn’t bare keeping her and her son any longer when there was nothing she could do.  I was just waiting for the medicine to work and to feel better.  When your blood pressure drops to nothing it makes you feel so sick…

Barbara stayed with me how all kinds of things happen at the supermarket that you don’t realize.  People fainting, getting sick, heart attacks…all kinds of things. Then she told to me about her son who has social anxiety disorder, her daughter that goes to see a therapist and how she herself needed medicine at a recent point in her life after going through a divorce of her own for almost 3 years (makes me happy that mine will be quick and easy…I couldn’t take 3 years and 4 kids to worry about).  She didn’t want to take anything but realized she really needed it.

Hearing that others have similar issues and understand always makes it easier but it still never EASY to deal with. Barbara helped me get the few other things I needed and brought me to the register, got all of my food on the belt, had people bagging for me and making a 2nd cart with all my things.  Then she insisted that I don’t drive home.  She asked a young girl who worked there to drive me and my car home and and another woman who worked there to follow her so she can take her back to the store.  When they got to my house they kindly helped me carry everything into my house.

Other friends have gone through battles with anxiety, etc and have spent countless hours talking to me about their experiences and all of that does help.

I kept thinking I hit my breaking point with other increasingly scary episodes recently but I never got up and called the doctor, I never made myself go.  I just didn’t want to.  I still don’t want to.  BUT I NEED TO NOW.

I can’t live like this.  I can’t let this take over doing even NORMAL things like going to the super market.  If this keeps happening I may be scared to leave my home alone.  I can’t let that happen.  I’m 32 years old, I’m a generally happy person, with a good disposition on life, I’m taking the challenges and heartache being dealt to me and I’m dealing with them the best I can.  This cannot turn me into a recluse who doesn’t leave the house.

I cannot need to take someone with me everywhere I go in case “I don’t feel good.”  That’s just letting this defeat me.  I can’t stay home and not go out because of anxiety.  I can’t let this happen if there are things that can cure me and help me get past this.  I need to take action.

Tomorrow I am not going to work with the INTENTION of waking up and calling the doctor down the street that I have never been to before (but my soon to be X husband has and liked the office).  I am calling CapriconSoulSister to come over and go with me because I just don’t think I can go alone at this point.  I need my friends right now (as well as my family).  I can’t go through this alone.

If he gives me medicine to start to take on a daily basis I think the whole experience is going to be VERY hard for me to grasp.  I don’t know what it will do me physically, I don’t know if it will work, I don’t know if it will make me sick, I don’t know if it will be the wrong drug for me and I will have to try something else, I don’t know if it will be everything I hope for.

I don’t know anything anymore.  I just know that I don’t like feeling like this anymore.  And I want it to stop.  I can’t live like this.  This is not me.  This is not the fun loving happy girl that everyone knows.  This is not the happy spirit I should be possessing. This is not the girl everyone loves to be around.  This is someone else that I don’t even know.  A girl who is starting to be fearful of going places where she isn’t comfortable – but for god’s sake NOT THE SUPER MARKET TOO!

Can I catch an f’in break yet??  How much do I have to endure?  How much do I have to suffer?  Why do I deserve this?  Why me?  I don’t deserve so many obstacles and so much pain.  I’m a good, hard working, fun loving person.  I don’t know why so many bad things are happening to me.  I can’t take it anymore.  I hav eno more energy.  I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t do this all alone.  I need help.  I don’t deserve this.  It’s too much for me anymore.  It’s not fair.  Why do bad things happen to GOOD PEOPLE?

Now that I have a soaking wet keyboard I must make a call to my office to let them know why they will not be seeing me in the morning and then try to go to sleep.  I think the 2nd part will be easy because I am exhasuted from this day.