Luck? What luck?

I’m so confused.  I really don’t know how to think, how to act, how to be.  Everything that happens to me causes confusion and unrest inside.  One minute I’m happy, one minute I’m sad.  I’m up, I’m down. When is it gonna even itself out?  Seems like NEVER.

I feel like I’m just waiting for something.  Sitting here waiting for I don’t know what!  I think things out, make the decision, and execute.  Then later I’m like – why did you do that??  Then I marinate in unrest afterwards.

I am not the type to be an unhappy person.  I like life, I like happiness, I like joy.  I hate pain, unhappiness, and despair – it’s just not “me.”

I can’t come to a happy place with everything.  I wonder all day if things I’m doing are the right decision.  I always think that I’m doing the right thing but then I’m not so sure about my decisions.

Yesterday I felt fine…today I feel like crap.  It’s like the littlest things set me off into this “bad” feeling.  I think so much into things that I wish I could shut my brain off sometimes.

A couple came to look at my house today.  Now I’m not gonna get all crazy and say that I think they will make an offer but they really seemed interested.  In this market that means NOTHING but they had all these questions about the house and then asked me how soon I’d be able to move out?  I was like WHOA – put me on the spot why don’t ya?  So, the fast thinker I am – I said to myself that I really need to sell this house for the price it’s at so I will say anything to do that.  I replied that I would do what I needed to do to be out of the house.  I could put things in storage and stay with family, etc. Then they said that they needed to close by the end of August because their house was already sold.  Seems like they are in the situation I’d be in if they made an offer on my house.  I’d need the next person I made an offer to – to get the heck out fast.  It’s like a vicious cycle!

After they left I sat here in a panic.  Woah, could it happen that quickly? Could they make an offer and then all of a sudden my life would be turned upside down so quickly?  I guess it could (and with my luck) happen like that….  Me sitting here just living my life…and then BAM…I will need to race around like a crazy-ass-freak trying to find a new house in 5 mins, pack, close on the new and old home all while working full time and being alone to handle it all.  That would happen to me because I am unlucky.  I wouldn’t get buyers who had all the time in the world for me to find something and then let them know when I could close. NOOOO – I’d have it the ass-backward way.  I know that will happen.  I know my luck.  And I know I have to take whatever comes because I have no choice! NO CHOICE!!!!!!

I don’t want to look for a new house.  I don’t want to make a decision of where I want to live.  I don’t want to pack.  I don’t want to MOVE.  I don’t want to deal with lawyers, closings, movers.  I don’t want to do anything!

I know…I know…nothing even happened yet.  Stop over thinking.  You’d figure things out if it happened.  You’re friends and family would be there to help.  Yes, I know. But I like to over think.  It helps me sort it all out in my head.  I think I am just SO TIRED.  SO TIRED of handling everything that comes along.  Dealing with the situations I’m dealt with.  Pushing through.  I’m tired of it.  When will I be allowed to just sit back and not have to worry so damn much??  I think never.

I seem to get so many curve balls thrown at me that I am bruised and battered.  I’m tired.  I am just SO tired.  I give up.  I do.  I’m sick of exerting so much energy.  I just don’t care anymore.

I must have been a bad person in another life because I just can’t understand why so many things go wrong or are made extremely challenging for me. Why must I work so hard with every little thing?  When is it smooth sailing for “breathe”?  Um, never.

I haven’t even brought up GI GUY for a while… I think you’re all probably sick of hearing about him and today I’m tired of feeling one way and then another.  It’s such a tiring drama.  Again, I’m up, I’m down, I’m happy, I’m sad.  I’m okay and then I’m lovenly.  I’m feeling good about everything between us and then I’m doubting him.  It’s like a puzzle and I must be missing all of the damn pieces.  It all sucks!

I’m always that girl that gives, gives, gives, till I’m tired and weary.  How about someone gives to me instead?  This is not a fairy tale like it should have been but I don’t want to let him go (yet) – I just want the whole thing to be how I want it to be.  Yes, I KNOW – it doesn’t work like that.  You don’t get everything the way you want it, girl!!  But how about I get ONE DAMN THING the way I want it???  How about that?  Guess it’s just too much to ask.