I just call it like it is (or like I am).  I can’t seem to get enough of it!  I guess I just want more, more, more.  Give it to me!  I’m a glutton, glutton, glutton.

I can’t let go so maybe there is something in the back of mind that doesn’t want to let go.  You ask ‘why would anyone want to put themselves through this?’  I couldn’t tell you but I’m doing it. Maybe I have nothing else to do right now and I enjoy the Soap Opera.

“ Like sands through the ourglass these are the days of Breathe’s life.”

Yup, it’s my personal soap opera.

So, GI GUY and I connected yesterday via email. I sent him one and I acted casual…like a friend would (since we were friends for 12 years before this little romance ensued).  He replied to my email a few hours later to my shock and surprise telling me how he wished he could see me, etc. and ended the email with “love you.”  WTF? He said he was online and we could talk over IM.  IM??? IM, you say? You’ve had IM this past 2 weeks and I didn’t know until now? WTF?

But, glutton me decided to quickly download that version of IM and get my ass on there right away to eat up his attention. Yup, I certainly did.  We chatted back and forth and he even had the webcam on so I could see his cute-ass smiling face.  Ate that right up, yes I did.

He had to get off a couple times in between and go to some meetings but I was busy working all night on the computer so I didn’t care if he came and went.  I just wanted to talk to him when he was free as much as I could.  He left the web cam on when he left the room and I watched him put his army jacket and hat on leave the room.  I kept thinking how surreal it was that I could see him and talk to him like this.

It sort of bugged me out in a way. I kept thinking to myself…oh my god…I can get addicted to this.  Sitting home at night waiting for him to come online and talk to me.  I realized immediately that I could not let that happen and I would not.  I had already decided that:

1) I need to live my life for me now and it’s not like I will sit here for a year waiting for him.

2) I care about him deeply, love when I’m around him, but he’s probably not the right man for me, for my future.

I know, you’re all nodding your heads in agreement – I can see you now.  And I’m going to hear: let him go, stop talking to him, he’s just stringing you along, he just wants your attention.

Ummm. Well… I just can’t help it.  I want his attention.  Even if I don’t know what to believe right now.

I liked hearing him say “i want to hear from you” or “i want you..badly” or “if i were home..id be working on being with u” or “i miss you baby”  Yup, I wanted to hear those things and I liked hearing them.

Even though that little angel I mentioned previously on my one shoulder was saying ‘what are you doing to yourself??’

I can’t listen to that angel on my shoulder right now!

I can’t!  I can’t!  I can’t!

Maybe I’m NOT READY TO LET GO YET!

Maybe I DON’T WANT TO YET!