I already posted today…but couldn’t help another

Thanks to AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends for sending me a link to Made By Girl’s blog post she pointed out a brilliantly written blog post by Hope Dies Last.

Made by Girl posted this screen capture of Hope Dies Last’s post:

This post is so how I’ve felt lately…she summed it up perfectly.  Thank you Hope Dies Last!

I’ve read a few of Hope Dies Last’s posts and I like it.  I’ve added her blog to my blogroll. 

Motivation – less

I stayed home from work today.  I couldn’t help myself.  I just couldn’t go.  It might have been staying up until 230am or maybe it was the sick way my stomach felt when I woke up today.  Maybe it was anxiety of having to go back to work after 4 days off in a row? Who knows.  I just didn’t feel good at all.  I got out of my bed 3 times when the alarm went off but could not put the brand new outfit I bought on my body and get in my car and drive to work.  I couldn’t do it.

I never call out sick.  I can count the times I have called out sick in the past 7 years on 2 or 3 hands.  Most of the time when I’m not feeling well I have the laptop at home and I end up working anyway.  Well this time I’m not.  I stayed in my bed till 11:30 and now I’m just sitting here typing this trying to feel better because tomorrow is another day and I MUST go to bed earlier and go to work.  I can’t stay home forever even though I wish I could.

Getting back to the lack of motivation… it’s not just staying home sick today… I’ve been motivation-less for months.  I lack the energy to do anything. Is it my situation that is causing it or have I done a complete 180 and turned into a lazy person??  Maybe I been doing almost everything for 10 years

I don’t want go grocery shopping - There is something about food shipping that I loathe…I can hardly make myself go once a month!  It’s like a punishment to go.  If Peapod Stop & Shop didn’t have a $10.00 fee and I wasn’t so particular about what bananas I will eat & what specific box of a product I choose from the shelf – I would order my groceries online and have them delivered to me.

I don’t want to cook anything – Without buying the food mentioned above…it’s hard to cook air!  I am surviving by buying a ton of food when I force myself to go to the supermarket and then I eat what I have until I run out.  I’ve also taken to eating large lunches at work and then not eating dinner (or eating a bagel or waffles for dinner). I’ve entertained ordering from those companies that bring you fully cooked meals every night (but I can’t afford that).

I don’t want to clean – I’m a clean & insanely organized person.  But I don’t like the act of actual cleaning.  I’ve dealt with it for years and forced myself to do what I had to.  Now I can’t even do that.  Having a black dog who sheds like a maniac makes this a hard thing to ignore (as I type this as tumble weeds of hair roll along my floors like the old west).  I’ve become less embarrassed by the dog hair.  I’ve taken to embracing it and I’ve decided that I will point the hair out to my friends when they come over as if to say “Yes, there is dog hair everywhere, I can’t deal with it, but I wanted to point it out to you so that you and I are both aware that I need to clean it.” I also can’t stand the dirty sink (or touching the drain thingy to empty it, cleaning dishes (they all do in the dishwasher now), cleaning the shower or the toilets (when I see a ring it’s time to clean the toilet).  I have no motivation. The idea of plugging in the vacuum and having to push it around the house sound as enticing as having hot needles stuck in eyes (maybe I’d prefer the needles? Umm…I guess not). I have even entertained the idea of paying someone to clean it for me (which I cannot afford and I’m so anal I would want them to touch my “things” because they probably wouldn’t put them back right..yes, I’m that crazy).

I don’t want to fold my laundry or put things on hangers - I wash it and then leave it in the basket until I desperately need items out of it and I take them one at a time until there are less clothes and then I put the rest away.  By the time that happens it’s time to do laundry again!  Bad bad bad.

I can’t say I’m not motivated to go out with friends but – But sometimes I don’t have the energy to push myself to get up and get ready.   I guess it all depends what we’re going to be doing and how much energy that exerts and how I feel that day.  Sometimes I want to just sit here in this desk chair and just putz around (which I know is okay…as long as I don’t do it everyday).

I don’t want to kick the ball around with my dog in the yard - this one gives me the MOST guilt.  He doesn’t deserve this treatment.  He’s use to “THE-X” playing with him 10 times a night and I’m not giving him what he needs but I refuse to give him up!  It could be because it’s too hot out and I hate the heat but it’s just not fair to him.  And to top this off I’ve been leaving him home alone a lot because I’ve been trying to “get out there” and do things.  It’s a catch 22 with this situation.

Visiting with my grandfather in the nursing home - I’ve only gone once since he was moved there.  That’s so shameful of me!

Visiting with my mom and sister or calling my dad and aunt who live far away - I haven’t even done this as often as I should.  I’ve had energy for friends but not for making time for my family???   What the hell is that about?

I don’t participate in some of my hobbies the way I did - I am a crafty girl who will actually make birthday cards for people…I have birthdays looming on the calendar and I can’t even fathom the idea of making something.  Instead I picked up the phone yesterday and just called my friend to wish her a happy birthday and told her I was GOING TO make her a card but I just couldn’t.  She understood.

*The problem with not wanting to food shop or cook is that I’m worried about what that does for my health and keeping my weight to the happy place I am in.

*The problem with not cleaning is fine if it was just me looking at my dirty house.  The fact that I’m selling my house makes it impossible to ignore things for too long.  There’s only so much a potential buyer won’t notice.

*My dog… well he’s been there with me every step of the way to comfort me through all my pain and he deserves the same love, respect and attention that I’m not giving him.

*Lacking motivation for hobbies (except for one which I’ve been keeping busy with) isn’t good for me.  I love “doing” things and it makes me who I am…the Energizer Bunny (which my one friend calls me). I like being busy 24/7.

I’ve been trying to do just that – KEEP BUSY.  But as my friend “SS” said to me – “Sometimes that only fills the time void.” Boy, did that strike a chord with me when I read that in her email…it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

I guess I am filling the void with keeping busy but I’m not sure what else to do.  I guess it’s better to be busy then sit trapped in my house staring at the computer or the TV.  I am filling the void the best I can until the void is gone and I’m a whole person.

But how do I get over the lack of motivation to do things that require actual effort like food shopping, cooking and cleaning…caring for my pet and seeing my family?  I don’t know how to make myself do those things when I don’t want to.  I KNOW they need to be done by I ignore them.  What is wrong with me!

Maybe when I have my own NEW place that is JUST mine I will want to care for it and tend to it versus this big ass house that I was left to deal with alone when jerkface decided to leave.  He should be driving his ass here to clean once a week and mow the half acre lawn.  Instead I’m left to clean and he is paying “HALF” for someone to mow the lawn (well, I’m sick of paying half…and I might just tell him that when I talk to him next) and I’m sick of cleaning for “showings” of my house that can pop up anytime of the day on any day.

Damn…putting these things out there on the blog today really, really shined a light on ‘em.  Still doesn’t make me get up and do them but it shined a monster-sized halogen light right on ‘em.  Guess I need to go back and read this post every day to see what I’m neglecting in my life and see if I can get my butt motivated somehow!

UPDATE: I motivated myself to bring out the recycling. ::clapping::