You are currently browsing the daily archive for July 6th, 2008.
There has to be someone that knows the psychology of WHY I am hung up on someone that I carried on with for 6 weeks versus someone I was with 10 years?
Does this make sense? Not to me. It has to be a psychological thing. Alwaysknewwedbefriends is so right when she said that she doesn’t think there is any hope that he will be anything I need (even superficially for attention only). She hit the nail on the head.
The thing is…I know this. It wasn’t a shock to hear it. Those thoughts are all in the back of my head. I’m a smart girl who usually NEVER lets anyone take advantage of me and my emotions. I think the issue is that I like to be in control and I have had no control over this situation from the very beginning. I lost the control right away.
I actually haven’t had total control of my life in to months (as of this Thursday, 7/11). I still have no control over the direction my life is going and I can’t take it. I have no control of GI GUY’s behavior, no control of when my divorce will be finished up, no control of when my home will sell, and no idea where my life will take me. I like control. I live my life in a controlled manner. I’m very particular about every decision I make and right now I’m OUT OF CONTROL.
I think I have let the terrible things that have happened to me the past 10 months of my life come out in and center around one person who was only in my life 6 weeks (forget that fact that he and I were friends for 12 years). I know it’s not GI GUY specifically that is making my heart hurt – it’s the entire situation I’ve been going through! But it came out looking like it was all about him when it’s not all about him (he’s part of it but it’s not all about him).
Tonight I admitted out loud to CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre that the entire problem I’ve been having with the way things went with GI GUY was that 1) I wasn’t in control of the situation and 2) it’s basically crushing my own ego —> and I can’t take that. After my impending divorce I guess I was looking for complete and total attention from someone and I got some attention but now how I planned.
My ego is suffering a blow because of the fact that I couldn’t make this guy so crazy about me, that he would be head over heels for me, and so smitten couldn’t think of anything else but me. It didn’t work. I guess I was the one who ended up not being about to think about anything else but HIM! Ughhhh, I guess my “plan” backfired on me and now all I am left with is more loss because of it!
I am pretty much aware of that fact that it’s NOT GI GUY specifically but the idea of any guy that I wanted complete attention from and only got 40% and I couldn’t CONTROL the situation like I wanted. I couldn’t make him behave like I wanted to. I am well aware that I am a control freak and this comes down to not being about to get exactly what I wanted.
This is a large revelation (well maybe the answer was hiding in the back of my mind all along) but only came out tonight when I got upset about the fact that GI GUY had logged into Myspace Thursday and today (which means he had internet access twice already) but never took the time, yet, to reply to my last email from this past Sunday. It made me so upset tonight that C.S.S. and I.C.B.H.A.W.A. could see it on my face for an hour when I discovered that Myspace showed a login date of today and he had updated his page with his status and his address at the base in case anyone wanted to write him! I guess he’s looking for attention from people as much as I am. Can’t fault that guy for that!
While I sat there, with my friends tonight, so disturbed and upset, it came to me. I am so mad that things didn’t go my way when I had planned them all so differently…the last 6 weeks he was in town were supposed to be all dreamy and fun. But instead were sometimes fun but mostly disappointing. I imagined so many other scenarios but they never panned out.
So…conclusion to this is…I’m glad I realized it’s not GI GUY specifically causing my turmoil. It’s the loss of control over everything in my life (divorce, selling my home because I can’t afford it on my own, taking care of the house on my own, shaky stability at my job, anxiety getting worse, and GI GUY is a part of it…he doesn’t get off the hook with my revelation because he still has done me wrong).
I wonder where this revelation will bring me?
