Venturing out of your COMFORT zone

Well, I ventured out of my comfort zone the other night and went out with my gal pals. I wasn’t so comfortable with going to an event where I only knew the two people I was going with but I went anyway.

Comfort Zone, © Anita Murphy, www.anitamurphyart.com, Charcoal on Paper, March 2007

The whole day of the party I was worried about going. I called Mommabear at least 3 times throughout the course of the day and told her that my body wants to go and is FINE with going to the party but my brain is not. Or it’s like I have angel of happy, good, fun times on one shoulder and the ANXIETY-PANIC-FORCE-YOU-TO-FAINT devil on the other shoulder. The devil overpowers the angel 9 out of 10 times.

Of course Mommabear exclaimed immediately that I better get to the counselor (which she has been saying for 10 years) but then she also said there is no reason not to go to the party and I better not stay home!

Well, I didn’t stay home. I went. Strangely I didn’t feel one ounce of panic or anxiety while I was driving, walking to the party from the car, or when I got to the party. There was only one second when I felt nervous for just one moment and that was when I crouched down for a second and my sprained ankle had a sharp pain run through it. I sat down right away and I was okay because the pain did not increase (luckily)….but imagine it did??

Well, let’s not imagine what would happen if the pain increased…that’s what I NEED TO DO. I need to stop pre-worrying about things. If they happen…they happen. I can’t pre-control the situation and I can’t make myself upset in advance.

I’m sure if I went to see a counselor that’s what they would tell me and try to teach me how to deal with. My problem is that I really don’t want to talk to someone. I want to just live my life NORMALLY without having to go to see someone every week, or 2 weeks, or month. I’m even willing to take medication but I do not want to sit and talk to someone. I told Mommabear this on Friday and she said I need to talk to them along with if they gave me medication. She said I have things I have to work out internally and that’s what they would be there to help with.

Of course I am stubborn and I childishly said to her that I am willing to take medicine and I want it to cure me of my anxiety…yes folks, I want a little miracle pill. Don’t they make those? They must!

I’m mad at myself today for staying up soooo late last night that I couldn’t get up until 12:30. But you know me. I hate going to sleep at night. So I stay up and work on my blog, my hobby, and putz around the computer all night while listening to music. Then when I’m so tired that I’m falling asleep in my desk chair then I go up to bed and pass out immediately.

Late last night I left a voicemail for GI GUY on his cell but then this morning I got a message back from the cell provider saying the voicemail did not go through. I don’t understand why unless it as to do with them not having cell service right now…who knows. But the point is that I left a message for him. I wasn’t ever going to do that…I was going to wait for him to reply to my email from last Sunday and take it from there but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to so I did. I’m not playing games I decided. If I want to call then I will. If i want to write an email then I will. If I want to write 10 emails then I will do that as well! I won’t sit here and wonder if it’s a “sign” that my voicemail didn’t go through. It’s NOT. It just MY LUCK.

I DO hope he gets some some internet time this weekend and replies to my last email. I guess I need to understand how I want to behave with the whole situation going forward. I need to decide what will work best for me.

So, to summarize…I stepped out of my recent issues with needing to be in the comfort zone, I survived perfectly fine, I don’t like to go to sleep at night and I wasted my whole morning sleeping and sitting in my PJ’s on the computer —-> but I’m okay with it.

Im sitting here again
Another Sunday morning
Trying to figure out just who to be
I cant keep going on like this
Ive got to break away

Whoah, whoah
Everything Ive said is over
Whoah, whoah
I cant take this any longer
Whoah, whoah
I need to get out of this zone
Whoah, whoah

I hope you see where Im coming from
Its time to make a move
Change my fate
Let go of all the things that feed my complacency
Dont wanna be a wannabe

No more wasted days anymore

Comfort Zone – Everyday Sunday

(I never heard of them before but the lyrics went well with how I was feeling.)