You are currently browsing the daily archive for July 4th, 2008.
Today is Independence Day.
And that’s what I am now —-> Independent.
Independent = single girl
Independent = take care of yourself
Independent = come home to an empty home every night
It’s totally okay to be independent. Actually it’s great to be independent. I’ve always been independent my whole life…even when I was with “THE-X” for 10 years I basically lived my own life without any restrictions. But today independent also means that I am alone.
In a world full of people or even a room full of friends I feel alone.
It’s not easy coming home to an empty, SILENT home (well I have my doggie but…). I realized the minute that “THE X” wasn’t coming home that silence is the one thing I would grow to really hate. I’ve been putting music on everyday because I can’t stand it anymore. Soon I will be walking around talking to myself.
When it’s silent it gets me thinking way too much. My mind is everywhere wondering what is going to happen to me, when will my house sell, where the hell am I going to live when it does? What can I afford? Will I lose my job the minute I buy something based on my current salary? If I lose my job what will I do? Will I ever meet someone? When will I hear from GI GUY? Is he thinking about me?
Sometimes the silence or loneliness is so intense that I become desperate to find someone to talk to. Whether it’s on the phone, text, instant messenger…I become very needy for contact with friends or family. It’s like I need constant friendship surrounding me or I will go mad from the silence/loneliness. I need constant plans for the weekend or I feel crazy just sitting here by myself. I’m heavily relying on my friends for companionship and they can’t always be there for me 24 hours a day. Unfortunately the college days of constant friends around you 24 hours a day are over and I would give anything just to go back to those days….anything! I guess I just need attention.
What’s comical is that I couldn’t wait to have 4 days off from work but do you know what that has given me? 4 days of silence. I’m not staying home all day, everyday, but in between finding things to do…it’s silence.
I can’t stand going to bed at night. That’s when things are MOST silent and I feel MOST alone. I think about the people I shouldn’t be thinking about and I get stuck on those thoughts…mostly because I have nothing else to occupy my mind so it wanders back to the best good feelings I can come up with. What else is there to think about besides something that made me feel some good versus all the emptiness I’m feeling now?
I’m happy that won’t be living a life that wasn’t exactly what my dream marriage was but at the same time you get used to 
having someone around everyday. Someone to talk to about anything, grab a bite to eat with, go to a movie with. But I’m a firm believer NOW that you don’t stay with someone just because it’s comfortable. You must make yourself happy at any cost. You can’t look back and wonder why you stayed and gave up the life you wish you had. I’ve learned the hard way that there should be no regrets.
Knowing I can start my life over and being able to make sure that it’s the way I want it to be is a gift but at the same time I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want that new life to be.
Eventually I will find myself but the journey is a hard and lonely one.
I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
