I was talking to Oscar about what I was going to write about today. He said, “Why don’t you write about something happy?” I said, “Because I’m not happy.” He said “Why don’t you write about your dog.” I replied “I am NOT writing about my dog!” I said “I’m going to talk about my feelings again…more mellow drama I’m sure.” I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs right now but it’s not.
I hate that I’ve been on the downward part of the roller coaster ride again but such is life. AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends said that she’s happy I blog about my thoughts here so that the negative thoughts don’t spill over into my everyday life. That’s a very good point and I’m happy I blog about my feelings as well. It helps me sort them out and I read the posts back later a few times to see where I was then and I how I’m progressing. Even if I had no readers it would help to just get my thoughts out here…it’s like a modern form of a diary to me.
Last night I was pretty bummed. Bummed that I’m walking around trying to live my new life and all I can do is think about GI GUY and our little 6 week “thing.” Even through the ups and downs during our “fling” I still always fell right under his spell when I saw him in person. I could never get mad at him even though I should have. His life situation made it hard for me to really be upset with him.
So, now that he has been deployed I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep trying to figure out why he stays in my head all day long. Maybe because when were with each other things between us felt so right and so unbelievably good to me. We were both going crazy times in our lives and the connection we felt (from being old friends) really made it easy to fall right into each others lives when we both needed those “good feelings” most. It was so easy to like him. And it’s so hard to get over him now.
I keep having “flashbacks” memories of him when I walk around my house…when I look at my couch, my kitchen table, my bed, and even my bathroom?? What I find strange is that I don’t have these flashback memories of “The-X” as I walk around my house. I wonder what that means?? It’ so strange….I know. I guess I had a have a huge crush and I’m having a hard time letting go of him. I didn’t even have enough time with him, to begin with, and now I have to let him go.
When I’m all alone is when I think the most. Especially late at night when it’s time to go to sleep. It’s then that I feel the saddest and loneliest. I sit in my bed with my cell on my nightstand thinking about what I would text him or what voice mail I’d like to leave him (but I never do). I was the last one to write (to him) via email Sunday and I need to be patient to see what he replies when he is able to get internet connection (supposedly cell service isn’t working where he is yet, either).
I’m not building my life around him, please believe me, but as I said in my last post: the attention is nice. I can’t believe how insane it is to be recently single after a 10 year relationship and then get involved with someone who is now gone for over a year! I wouldn’t and couldn’t wait around – that’d be crazy insane. But can you believe my luck?? This should have been the summer of love (LOL) but instead it’s the summer of 2 losses in a row!
I had a long talk with CapricornSoulSister late, late, late last night and we both solidly agree that this was the best thing to happen to me during what I was going through. She pointed out (and I agreed) that before GI GUY came into my life again I was sad about losing my marriage, my house, and starting my life over. When he appeared out of no where all of my terrible fears and terrible sadness floated away. She and I agreed that I needed him to remove me from the bad place I was in to a world where I felt special, beautiful, loved, sexy, wanted, and desirable. It was a good thing. Now I just need to get to a new good place again.
I got a call from an old friend today who I hadn’t talked to in a long time. I thought she was mad at me after not answering 3 emails in a row and some IM’s I sent her a while back. She thought I was mad at her for something else that had happened. Crazy hah? Well, she heard from her sister that my MySpace page said I was single and was worried when she heard that and called me to check on me.
I’m glad she did. She went through a divorce (after one year of marriage) about 3 years ago so she knew everything I was feeling and I was there when that all happened with her. I was in disbelief that she was getting a divorce back then…now look at me 3 years later! She gave me good advice and it’s refreshing to know that she found someone else that she is in love with and feels the complete opposite of how her relationship with her x-husband did.
We talked for a few hours and everything is fine now. It’s always like that when it’s someone you’ve known forever. You can’t harbor bad feelings in your heart. You just have to let things go. It’s unhealthy not to. It was a crazy misunderstanding and now when I look back I feel so stupid that we didn’t talk for so long. But I’m happy that we talked about the misunderstanding and we’re back to being “good” that easily. Crazy how these things happen among friends.
Anyway…I hope things start looking up for me soon. Tomorrow I’m going to a July 4th party with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre but I’m a little nervous because I don’t know anyone else there. With my horrible increase in anxiety I now get nervous over everything all of a sudden. I SOOOO have to pick up the phone and call those counselors I was referred to. I definitely can’t deal anymore and I think I need to be on medication! I need a life free of FEAR over NOTHING…now I feel fear over things I ACTUALLY want to do!
Imagine I start dating and faint on my date from panic? NOW THAT WOULD BE FUN! Reclusive-ness here I come!
PS: Now how funny is this? I just wrote above that I hope things start looking up for me soon…then 1 minute later AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends said she wanted me to hear a new band. She said they had a song that reminded her of me. Guess what it was called? Look To The Stars.
It says its like this lack of direction brings forth the question did I go too far…we are finding who we are down this road we walk…look to the stars…seize every moment…you gotta believe when i say…
*Currently listening to Colbie Caillat’s song called Magic on www.Pandora.com. Never heard of her before but I like it. If you haven’t tried Pandora.com – you need to! It is awesome!
4 comments
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July 3, 2008 at 8:47 am
somebody to shove
got check that song out!
glad u r back in touch with that old friend.
keep your head up.
July 3, 2008 at 9:02 am
AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends
Unbelievable how your thoughts/feelings bring me back to times in my life where I’ve felt the same as you are now. Fears are the brutality and beauty we are all here to conquer…then comes love…which of course is the ultimate life lesson to be learned. Breathe-you must shake the majority of your fears of being alone and feeling lost before all the delicious new beginnings can march their way over to you. I know it’s hard and I sure as heck don’t know how to do it for myself yet either, but I know that’s the main trick to it.
Let some of go…because it takes up the room you need for the new-light, fun & happy stuff to come in. Think of it as a sandwich…only so much stuff (good or bad) can fit inside the two pieces of bread or else nobody can take a bite and enjoy all that’s inside-right?! If you overfill it you can’t eat it they way it’s meant to be. And if there’s bad stuff in your sandwich who wants to eat it anyhow? Even with good in it, the bad overpowers the good. So…if you let go of the bad ingredients (as many as you can) you are left with room for all the good and you also have a proportionate amount you can actually fully manage and savor. Am I right?
Focus your thoughts on the good…and things will be as good as they can be for that moment.
I’m glad I shared that song with you…I like the line in another of their songs that goes
“what will be…will be-a blurred sense of harmony is so patiently standing by…and innocence leaves us all in time”
I think you and I and many other woman our age are just figuring out that this is the grown up world…our innocence and hopefulness has been shaken by the things we’ve experienced and we don’t know what to do with that. Our families and childhoods didn’t teach us what to do when things don’t pan out the way they ought to. We have to struggle to learn that part on our own…and we seriously hate it, but it’s our lesson to live through-for the moment.
Chin up friend! You’re doing just fine.
July 3, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Date Girl
I’m glad your friends are there for you, and it’s great that you have this outlet. I think GI Guy had his purpose in your life-to get you through a rough patch like you said. At the same time, please don’t hold onto the hope of him coming back into your life in the way you had before. Military life is rough, and I have so many close friends who suffer from missing their loved ones all the time. Never home for special occasions like anniversaries, Christmas, etc. Talk about lonely. It sounds like when you’re ready (that’s the key phrase) then you’d benefit from a man who was in your life on a regular basis. But you need time to heal your heart. I am a firm believer that when you’re ready the right situation will come by. Remember my problems with Coast Guard Guy? I was in no way ready and in the end it was good that it failed. Because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have learned to truly be on my own, and I would never have met Match.
Just take it day by day, things will get better! I think your friend has a good point-focus on the positive!
July 7, 2008 at 12:37 pm
oscarstavern
You experianced something special, though it wasn’t consistant. It makes you want more. You had a flower in our hand and it blew away. What you had before with your X may have been special at one time, but it came apart. You are still finding yourself. The new you. Once you do, you will feel a whole lot better. Be careful, because if you are on the down side of the coaster, it could go lower before you return up. Stay strong!