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When I first created this blog I had no idea it would be a place to help me with writing about my anxiety and panic attacks. I thought it would be more of a place to talk about going through divorce, being single, starting over, talking about dating in your 30s, etc etc. I never thought it would morph into what it has…but I’m glad it did. I don’t mind that it did. It’s been very helpful for me to get it all out and be able to read what I’ve said and look back to see how I’ve progressed or worsened.
The other thing that I’m happy about is the fact that in about month or so this blog has gotten over 2000 hits as of today. When I look at the WordPress stats pages I’m overwhelmed by the amout of hits it gets for the topic of anxiety, panic attacks, fainting from anxiety, etc. Although 98% of these people hitting my blog don’t comment…I feel good knowing that reading about what I’m going through may help them in some way, shape, or form.
I didn’t to get help for over 10 years (since May of 1997 actually) and now I finally did. So, if a stranger reading that can see that even a hold out like me can do it…maybe they will to. I had one reader write me an email telling me that they were fainting too but felt they were too young to ask for help. I tried my best to tell them that you’re never to young to reach out and tell someone (parents, etc) and get help. I can only hope that the pain and sadness this has caused me will help someone in a positive way.
Day 2 was a little strange for me….
I tired to go to bed early last night and that didn’t work. I had so many things on my mind (I was out of the office since Thursday so it’s always hard for me to go back to work after that many days out on top of everything I was thinking of in my head in the darkness of my bedroom).
I woke up to my screaming alarm and pressed snooze several times. I couldn’t get up. I didn’t want to get up. I felt that little familiar twang of anxiety that know all too well in my stomach. After 3 snoozes I forced myself up because I knew I HAD TO go to work. I got ready, took my medicine, and left. I made it to the office but when I was getting out of the car I didn’t feel like my normal self walking into my office building. I felt a little anxious (and I never feel that way about work).
I think I felt that way because I’m aware that I’m a 2nd day of a medication that always scared me to get and start taking, I was dead tired from not sleeping early enough, I hadn’t been in the office physically for day (even though I worked from home), I was worried what I was going to tell my co-workers (although they are all great people) and I am obviously and more anxious person overall lately so that was a factor as well.
When I got in I was okay, my co-workers started to arrive and my good friend/co-worker iMac (we’ll call her) came over to see why I was out and if I was okay. I told her the whole supermarket story and she was very sympathetic and tried to give me her best advice…then one of the dept. “leaders” came over to see if I was okay and I told her as well. I’m not afraid or ashamed to tell people. They NEED to know in order to support me and help me through this. I can’t do it alone. I won’t tell everyone…just the people that I need to know.
iMac asked me out to lunch to our favorite pizza place. Everything was fine until I walked over to order a 2nd slice of pizza. For some reason when I sat back down I had a wave of panic that washed over me. It lasted for a minute and didn’t go any further. She made sure I was okay and that I didn’t need anything. I told her that I think I just needed to close my eyes for a few minutes and be still and quiet. Then I was okay…
The whole thing really bothered me. 1) because I can’t believe how many times these attacks were happening compared to the last 10-11 years of my life and 2) I couldn’t believe where they were happening and 3) I couldn’t believe they were for no reason. All VERY scary to me. But lucky there was no scene in the pizza place (especially since when were leaving I realized the cute mailroom guy was 2 booths over after he waved and smiled at me). I would have died if I had a panic attack and fainting episode there!
Besides that I didn’t go to my SingleChildhoodfriend’s birthday dinner with her family tonight. That broke my heart but I knew it was for the best and she completely understands the whole situation. We made plans to go to dinner together for her birthday Monday, just the two of us, which will be better for me. I need to avoid certain situations right now in order to feel comfortable and that’s what’s best for me.
To end the night on a good note. I head from GIGUY via sweet text messages. He and I had a fun banter back and forth over text a while which was quite enjoyable to me and made me smile (a lot). Singlechildhoodfriend was happy for me that I heard from him and she made me laugh out loud when she said something like…see what 30 seconds can do for you! She’s right…if only he really realized that it’s so easy to make me happy! A simple text, email, Instant Message here and there is all I needed (and I have told him this before). Just to know someone you really care about (and have had a friendship with for over 12 years) was thinking about me and reaching out to me is all I ever really want(ed) at this point with him being so far away.
One of my friends is going through a really rough time right now (actually a couple of them are) and I’m trying to focus my energy on them. Sometimes it helps to get your mind off your own problems. I feel like there’s not much I can do except be there for them so that’s what I’ll try to do. 
Today I made it one step closer. One step closer to getting better.
Baby steps…baby steps.
I stayed home from work, called and made an appointment to go to the doctors at 3:15pm, stayed in my bed working until I had to force myself to get up and get ready to go.
CapricornSoulSister picked me up and took me to the appointment. I was so happy that did. I’m not sure how I would have fared going alone. I know I needed to go and I was determined to go after what happened yesterday but if I had to go alone I was fearful I might panic. I think I still would have gone (or made MammaBear go with me) but I was happy that CSS went with me. I even made her sit in the actual exam room with me while I met with the doctor.
Doctor “M” was great. I felt very comfortable with her from the moment she entered the room. That was a plus for me. If I was uncomfortable then that is a negative for me right away. We talked for quite a while and I told her all about me.
She said that I don’t seem to have any signs of depression so she didn’t think I needed to go on a combination drug such as Zoloft or Lexipro. I had Lexipro ingrained in my head even before I went because I know 3 other friends who were on it. But once she explained about the combination drugs I trusted her and took her suggestion of Buspar which is just for generalized anxiety versus anxiety and depression.
I feel some doubt about my decision to go with Buspar but I have to trust that she thought and give it a try. I will never know until i gets into my system and it’s going to take 3-6 weeks to feel any kind of results.
When I keep hearing that my friends are happy on something else it makes me confused and worried that I should have went with my first instinct and asked for what they have (Lexipro). I found out my one friend took Buspar first and that is the one that didn’t work for him. Then I found out my Dad took Buspar back in the day and it wasn’t helpful for him. So, then crazy me gets worried about it not helping me and I need help asap.
I can’t even stand the fact that I have to wait weeks for attacks to lessen. I need things to start work NOW but I will try to hang on and wait. She also prescribed me a benzodiazepine Xanax if I had an onset attack. I had been taking Klonopin but it made me feel so dopey even when I’d break it in half or sometimes in a quarter. So, I was willing to try Xanax if I needed it. I try to never take benzo’s unless I desperately have to. I don’t know why…I guess I just fight the need to take anything that I really don’t need in me.
I go back to see Dr. “M” in three weeks so she can check on me and see if I have any symptoms. In the meantime I know I personally have to eat a little better, and go to sleep earlier. 2:30 is TOO LATE and I seem to be seeing that number on my clock at bedtime a little too much lately. If I even shoot for 1:00am it’s a step in the right direction (and I can go from there to see if I can even start heading up to bed at 12:45…not likely…but 1am is better than nothing!)
When I go back to Dr. “M” I have to be careful to not be upset if nothing has worked yet because with seeing her in 3 weeks I probably won’t see any changes at all. I will talk to her to see how long I should stick it out before I start worrying that it’s NOT working.
If you couldn’t tell I’m a “worrier.” I worry about everything because I want to make sure I’m making the right decisions for me in my life. I think about things thoroughly…look how long it took me to go to the doctor to stop my suffering. I think it will be a huge set back if this medicine doesn’t do something positive for me and I need to switch to something else. I am the kind of person that really needs it to work but I am also a doubtful person that isn’t sure it will. Who the hell knows. It’s a waiting game. Let’s just pray I don’t get any bad side effects because that isn’t a good thing for a girl who used to only faint from blood and pain and now faints from not feeling well (NOT GOOD!). So keep your fingers crossed for me that I have one piece of good luck in my life for once.
I told my soon to be X-husband about what happened to me quickly this morning because I needed to know where the doctors office was. He asked why I was going and I only gave him the short version. He seemed worried about me and I’m sure he genuinely was. It’s not like he doesn’t love me anymore after 10 years together (he’s just not IN LOVE – uuuuuughhhhhh!) He told me to call him afterward and I didn’t call right away because CapricornSoulSister and I met up with ICan’tBelieveHowMuchWeAreAlike for dinner (which was a welcome relief after the day I had)! So, since I didn’t call him right away he called me at home and on my cell to see what happened. I told him more about what had been going on with me and he was very surprised. He couldn’t believe how much worse I got. I was like – of course I’m worse! There’s just too much to handle! I complained about taking care of this huge house alone, not waiting to clean, and take care of weeds, etc and then he offered (if I needed it) to come and help me clean on a weekend, etc. I probably won’t take him up on it and will just trudge through. I don’t need him.
I heard from GI GUY as well over text while I was in the waiting room of the doctors office. It was as a result of a quick email I wrote him last night from my telephone when I was at my saddest lying there watching television trying to calm down from the horrible feeling I had in my stomach and the panic that was swirling around in my head all night. I told him something terrible happened to me but I wouldn’t go into detail because he had enough to worry about. I just said I was watching TV, trying to relax, and that I thought of him and wanted to let him know. I don’t know why I wrote it…I just felt compelled to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him what was wrong with me over text. I’d rather tell him on the phone or at least on IM with our webcams on, etc.
I didn’t hear back from him until the above mentioned time (today at the doctors office at around 3:30pm). I was happy I did hear from him and he said he was sorry because his service has been intermittent and was worried about what happened to me and wanted to know if I was okay. I replied that I was at the doctors office and that hopefully soon I’d be feeling more like “myself.” I thanked him for checking on me and said I was sorry to hear how insanely busy he was. I told him I hoped he was okay and that I missed talking to him but I totally understand what it must be like (blah blah). I thought that’d be the last I heard but he texted again and said “u had a bad night…did someone hurt you?” and said he’d try to call soon. I just replied that…yes it was a very bad night, don’t worry, no one hurt me and that it was easier to explain if we talk so call me when you can. Whatever. At least he was concerned. But it really doesn’t matter…
Thank goodness I made it through today and I have to take one day at a time with this medicine. My doctor told me to throw away those crazy side effects sheets because they will drive someone like me MAD! So I only read the warnings right on the bottle which aren’t that scary (except the one that said ‘may cause dizziness’…I’m dizzy enough when I don’t feel good so I don’t need anymore dizzy feelings! LOL)
Let’s just pray that I put the pill in my mouth tomorrow morning when I wake up. That is step two in the right direction. Step 3 will be to NOT OBSESS about the pill running through my system and what it is doing to me and what side effects I will feel. I have to promise myself that if I don’t feel good for any reason that it’s not the pill attacking my system. Again, let’s just hope that I am lucky and okay. Let’s hope that I got a drug that will work for me and that I can be on my way to happiness and ZEN.
I don’t want to be trapped in my home unable to leave…I want to live my life.
Please, Buspar, be my saving grace!
As I sit here and write this I can hardly see the computer screen as tears are falling so fast out of my eyes that it’s making it almost impossible to see.
I had the worst experience ever just now at the supermarket. I was almost done with my shopping and was making my way down the frozen aisle when all of a sudden it came over me —that terrible anxious feeling — that I don’t normally feel unless I’m cut, bleeding, or am feeling really really sick inside.
I tried to fight it as I made my way down the aisle, I tried to look into the glass doors at the frozen food to find the rice I like and I couldn’t find it. I walked a little further and was screaming to myself inside my head that this wasn’t going to happen to me here. I would not allow this to take over. NO NO NO.
I kept walking down the aisle and got stuck behind some fool who was walking at a snail’s pace and that wasn’t moving fast enough for me. All I wanted him to do at that point was to get the hell out of the way! When I finally got around him towards the end of the aisle I started to panic more. I didn’t know what to do. I started to make the turn out of the frozen/bread aisle but then I thought better of doing that. I needed to be able to just get to a safe place to sit down. I had a feeling that I wasn’t going to be able to fight this one off.
I had been laughing with her in an aisle earlier when she was talking about how cold it was in the store. I told her I agreed and said that I couldn’t feel my feet. I actually saw the same nice lady pushing her shopping cart w/ her young son in the cart and I turned to her (praying) and asked if she could help me and that I wasn’t feeling well. She was very sweet and she did help me. Holly was her name and I will be forever grateful to Holly for her kindness (if only I had asked for her address I would have sent her a thank you).
I told her that I needed to sit down and I did. Right at the end of the aisle on the floor next to the breads. I told her quickly that I had anxiety, etc and she asked if I had anything to take and I said yes and she handed my pocketbook. I grabbed a Poland Spring right out of the bottom of my cart and took half of an anxiety pill. I sat there gulping water…still not feeling well.
Then I knew I had lost the battle because that spinning feeling took over in my head and I had to lay down. Somewhere in the process of laying down and fainting my Poland Spring water spilled all over the place and was all wet under me. My entire back of my shirt was soaked when I woke up.
Woke up to not knowing where the hell I was and what had happened to me and who the strangers were looking at me. Woke up with terrible embarrassment and hearing the word “ambulance” and I remember saying “no no no ambulance needed.” I asked if they could get everyone out of the area who was staring at me and they did.
The store manager Barbara was also a wonderful person who made me feel extremely comfortable and finally after a while I was able to sit up but kept myself planted seated on the floor. Thank goodness the full cart of food was blocking me and most people couldn’t really see what was going on. They got me a METS T-shirt from the next aisle to put on instead of my wet shirt (thank goodness super markets carry random clothing items).
I told Holly thank you for being there for a total stranger (how wonderful was she!) and I let her go on her way with her shopping because I couldn’t bare keeping her and her son any longer when there was nothing she could do. I was just waiting for the medicine to work and to feel better. When your blood pressure drops to nothing it makes you feel so sick…
Barbara stayed with me how all kinds of things happen at the supermarket that you don’t realize. People fainting, getting sick, heart attacks…all kinds of things. Then she told to me about her son who has social anxiety disorder, her daughter that goes to see a therapist and how she herself needed medicine at a recent point in her life after going through a divorce of her own for almost 3 years (makes me happy that mine will be quick and easy…I couldn’t take 3 years and 4 kids to worry about). She didn’t want to take anything but realized she really needed it.
Hearing that others have similar issues and understand always makes it easier but it still never EASY to deal with. Barbara helped me get the few other things I needed and brought me to the register, got all of my food on the belt, had people bagging for me and making a 2nd cart with all my things. Then she insisted that I don’t drive home. She asked a young girl who worked there to drive me and my car home and and another woman who worked there to follow her so she can take her back to the store. When they got to my house they kindly helped me carry everything into my house.
Other friends have gone through battles with anxiety, etc and have spent countless hours talking to me about their experiences and all of that does help.
I kept thinking I hit my breaking point with other increasingly scary episodes recently but I never got up and called the doctor, I never made myself go. I just didn’t want to. I still don’t want to. BUT I NEED TO NOW.
I can’t live like this. I can’t let this take over doing even NORMAL things like going to the super market. If this keeps happening I may be scared to leave my home alone. I can’t let that happen. I’m 32 years old, I’m a generally happy person, with a good disposition on life, I’m taking the challenges and heartache being dealt to me and I’m dealing with them the best I can. This cannot turn me into a recluse who doesn’t leave the house.
I cannot need to take someone with me everywhere I go in case “I don’t feel good.” That’s just letting this defeat me. I can’t stay home and not go out because of anxiety. I can’t let this happen if there are things that can cure me and help me get past this. I need to take action.
Tomorrow I am not going to work with the INTENTION of waking up and calling the doctor down the street that I have never been to before (but my soon to be X husband has and liked the office). I am calling CapriconSoulSister to come over and go with me because I just don’t think I can go alone at this point. I need my friends right now (as well as my family). I can’t go through this alone.
If he gives me medicine to start to take on a daily basis I think the whole experience is going to be VERY hard for me to grasp. I don’t know what it will do me physically, I don’t know if it will work, I don’t know if it will make me sick, I don’t know if it will be the wrong drug for me and I will have to try something else, I don’t know if it will be everything I hope for.
I don’t know anything anymore. I just know that I don’t like feeling like this anymore. And I want it to stop. I can’t live like this. This is not me. This is not the fun loving happy girl that everyone knows. This is not the happy spirit I should be possessing. This is not the girl everyone loves to be around. This is someone else that I don’t even know. A girl who is starting to be fearful of going places where she isn’t comfortable – but for god’s sake NOT THE SUPER MARKET TOO!
Can I catch an f’in break yet?? How much do I have to endure? How much do I have to suffer? Why do I deserve this? Why me? I don’t deserve so many obstacles and so much pain. I’m a good, hard working, fun loving person. I don’t know why so many bad things are happening to me. I can’t take it anymore. I hav eno more energy. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do this all alone. I need help. I don’t deserve this. It’s too much for me anymore. It’s not fair. Why do bad things happen to GOOD PEOPLE?
Now that I have a soaking wet keyboard I must make a call to my office to let them know why they will not be seeing me in the morning and then try to go to sleep. I think the 2nd part will be easy because I am exhasuted from this day.
I’m trying to rediscover what my “type” is. I find myself looking around lately at guys trying to figure out of they are “my type” (now of course that is based all on looks) but we’ll get to the other likes and dislikes later.
You have to admit that 99% of the time an attraction is based on the physical appearance first and then comes the personality, beliefs, likes and dislikes, things in common or not in common. This is why I’ve been looking around lately to see which guy sparks my interest and which guys do not so that I know. I’m not sure why I need to know this but I guess is someone asks I can tell them. LOL!
Of course lately it’s all the wrong guys showing interest in me…no one I’d want to date! It’s nice to know that someone has interest but if it’s all the wrong guys that stinks as well. It leaves me wondering if guys I’d be interested in…wouldn’t be interested in me? Well, we shall see as time goes on.
I had a nice night last night going out SingleChildhoodFriend for her brothers birthday w/ all of his friends. It was completely enjoyable and I didn’t think about anything else besides the fun I was having all night (which is a plus).
I was a little anxious for 10-15 mins when we first got there but then I started to feel much better. I know that I do it to myself, I just can’t help it.
Anyway, I’m out again tonight to visit some other friends so that is also a plus! Two fun nights out in a row – yipee! If I can find somewhere to be tomorrow I’ll go somewhere then as well! Anything to be busy and out of the house and keep my mind occupied!
Tonight I was joking with SingleChildhoodfriend about my unhealthy affection for GI GUY.
I mentioned to her that it’s like I’m addicted to him and I quoted the line “It’s like your drug…” and she knew exactly what I was referring to song-wise. I haven’t been talking to him for as long as I can and feel like I’m in withdrawal (and I’m trying my best but it’s hard to shake your feelings).
It’s been more than 48 hours since we communicated on Monday night over email. Now, don’t be too proud of me or start clapping or cheering for me like I’m some strong girl – for making it through 2 full days – because I feel like I’m ready to text him any minute. I’m trying not to but you never know with my weak self.
So, why is it that some relationships can be directly correlated to a drug addiction, I ask myself?
I decided to read the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson’s song (which I featured below) because I felt it perfectly describes the unhealthy infatuation of being addicted to someone else.
Using some of Kelly’s correlations this is what I came up with…
In these crazy addictive relationship the guy is like the demon sucking the life from you, you’re trying to run from him all the time (but you end up running right back to him). He has all the power and he’s like a leech that sucks the life out of you.
You have to quit him to be better but you realize how hard it is to do so and it will take so much time and will power to fight the craving.
You can’t even think without him interrupting you thoughts, you can’t concentrate because he is on your mind, and your sleep and dreams are interrupted by him. Your mind has totally been taken over.
It’s like your not yourself. You have become someone else. You’re just not the “you” you’ve always known.
You’re lost, you’ve given up and he’s like a ghost that will haunt you and won’t leave you alone. The voices in your head are all your own telling you he’s wrong for you and then you fight with yourself internally. You tell yourself to quit him but you can’t because you can’t breathe, you can’t eat, you can’t see anything, you’re addicted.
As hard as you try…your hooked on him and you fell like you need a fix of him because you just can’t take it. You figure just one more time and you’ll quit, you can do it. You can handle one more hit and then that’s it because then you can get through this.
It’s like he’s taken over you…and it’s like you’re not you….
Crazy right? I think it is. I never thought about relationships this way before. I’m sitting here smacking myself in the head (not literally) saying that I can’t believe I never realized the correlation.
It’s like like or love blinds everything and you can’t see the truth. OR maybe you don’t want to see the truth until you’re really ready….and that is what addiction is like….
Kelly Clarkson – Addicted
It’s like you’re a drug
It’s like you’re a demon I can’t face down
It’s like I’m stuck
It’s like I’m running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It’s like the only company I seek is misery all around
It’s like you’re a leech
Sucking the life from me
It’s like I can’t breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I’m never gonna quit you over time
It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me
It’s like I’m not me
It’s like I’m lost
It’s like I’m giving up slowly
It’s like you’re a ghost that’s haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I’ll never change my ways
If I don’t give you up now
It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me
It’s like I’m not me
I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I’m hooked on you
I need a fix
I can’t take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that’s it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It’s like I can’t breathe
It’s like I can’t see anything
Nothing but you
I’m addicted to you
It’s like I can’t think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You’ve taken over me
It’s like I’m not me
It’s like I’m not me
Song lyrics really get to me sometimes. Does that ever happen to you? Sometimes it’s the whole song that goes so perfectly with your life or sometimes it’s just a verse or a refrain that hits you.
I was listening to Anna Nalick’s Song “Drink Me” and I chuckled when she said “lately I’m obsessed and I need the rest.” I won’t be personally drinking anything to make myself fade away until I disappear and no remembers me. I’m just making the point that sometimes I really find myself identifying with a song and then I play it over and over and over until I can’t stand it anymore.
The the issue becomes that I can’t even listen to the song anymore because all it does is remind me of that time in my life and then it’s almost painful to listen to it. I have a lot of songs like that…there are ones that give me happy thoughts but lately there are a lot more of them that make me upset when I hear them. It’s been a long 10 months!
I took all of your advice. I’m trying to give “space” to GI GUY. It’s 3:30am and I made it through the day without texting, IM’ing or emailing him. As SingleChildhoodFriend said when I told her “one day at a time” (sage advice). Maybe I will get through so many days that I won’t even need him anymore (hmmmm…not sure about that one but you never know…miracles happen).
I still don’t know what the story is with the few weeks on the base without the phone or internet. Maybe they take them to a remote part of the base for intense training and don’t let them go back to their normal rooms…no friggin clue. I’m sure he will tell me before he goes “radio silent” (or will he? uugh!! Whatever!)
Anna Nalick – Drink Me
Talk about the weather
Will you miss me ever?
Lately I’m obsessed
And I need the rest
I hope that you’re impressed
But she’s so pretty, I’m jealous
And she’s lost like Alice
In a painted past
In a looking glass
I see me looking back
I’ll take another Drink Me, baby
Slowly, I’ll disappear
And wear my life like a barbed wire necklace
So let’s play truth or dare
So you’re a fan of Coltrane
I wanna be Kurt Cobain
When the truth gets scary
I’ll take my gin and sherry
And some Drink Me they’ll be
Plath and Joplin with verse writing suiciders
Kennedy and Monroe come to see my rock show
I’ll be there in the front row
I’ll take another Drink Me, baby
Slowly, I’ll disappear
And wear my life like a barbed wire necklace
So let’s play truth or dare
And I won’t be around to play your games
There will come a day when you won’t know my name
And I’ll get smaller with
Every swallow you’ll
Wait tomorrow and things won’t be the same
Talk about the weather
Will you miss me ever?
Lately I’m obsessed
And I need the rest
I hope that you’re impressed
Cuz I need the rest
And my head’s a mess
I need the rest
I need the rest
I need the rest
Well, today I lost it. I have been feeling attention-less and ignored so I did it. Yes I did. I wrote a email to GI GUY telling how he was making me feel. It was coming for a while but today some annoying things set me off and I did it. I wanted to do it and I contemplated it for quite a while, wrote and rewrote, asked the advice of friends and then I did it. I hit send.
He got some bad news over the weekend about a very close family member that passed away and he won’t be able to go home for the funeral. That’s so sad but I guess I understand it. If hew as able to go home then every soldier would want to go home. I’m sure it’s eating him up in side but even before that news I hardly heard from him for over a week so the death, in my mind, wasn’t an excuse for all the other days.
At first he was online a lot and we talked every night but lately he hasn’t been on at all and it just made me wonder what changed. Did he not want to talk to me? Could he be that busy with his daily duties at the base and nightly meetings that he couldn’t get on even for a few measly minutes? Ok, if that is true – how about a text? and instant message, an email? a Myspace or Facebook message? a letter in the mail? a fax? a paper airplane? a message in a bottle? a singing f’ing telegram? If he has time to log into Myspace and accept his comments and update his status or log into Facebook and accept his friend requests then he has time to send me a one line note that says “I’m busy but I am thinking about you.”
The only time I did hear from him quite a bit was when he got the package that I kindly put together with all kinds of thing that were really personal that I knew he’d love and sent it to him last Tues. He got the package Thursday and was so thrilled by the gesture that he was gushing. I felt good about myself…making a soldier, going to war, happy for a day or two was good feeling to me.
But even after that I didn’t get much communication. Maybe it comes down to the fact that I have no idea what it feels like to be deployed with the army. I have no idea what it feels like to be away from my family & loved ones for soooo long while they sit at home and pine for you and miss you like there’s no tomorrow. I have never been in that situation and I can’t even fathom the idea. BUT I thought I was being sensitive to it. From what I heard these poor guys want all the attention they can get because they are missing you badly while they are away.
That’s all I’ve been doing consistently is giving and giving and giving and giving. So today I felt upset about all the giving and hardly receiving that I let my fingers to the talking and decided to write the short and to the point email to him. I told him that I felt bad about the death in the family and then I selfishly went into how I hadn’t heard from him in a while and that I couldn’t help but wonder if I should reach out to him anymore…and that I always initiate conversation lately. I said I hear him saying he cares about me I hear him say it but I don’t FEEL it. I also said that it doesn’t take much to give me a little bit of attention and I listed the easy ways he could do so. I asked what do you want????
He replied instantaneously to my email since he gets alerted every time he gets an email on his phone. His reply bothered me and made ME feel bad! He thinks I am being a little sensitive and talked about the he is busier with more shit that I can imagine and that he is going to be without phone & internet for a while! And to please be patient. He said that I need to understand that he he can’t give a “MILLION” people the attention they want when is worried about the men he has to train for surviving in Iraq. He also said he is about to be without phone or internet for a few weeks and that was news to me and sucks.
Well….WOW. I was taken aback. I’m not insensitive to what he is doing at all! I’m a loving, caring, thoughtful person and I am VERY grateful for what he is doing over there and where he mind is and NEEDS to be. I replied that to him. I told him to please never think that I am insensitive to what he is doing there and that I have told him many times how much I am proud of him…how I am not trying to add to what others are doing to him. I said I’m not trying to sound sensitive but just being my honest, open book, tell it like i feel self and sharing my guts with him.
I know this isn’t the right thing for me to be dealing with in my life amongst other things but I need to get fed up on my own in order to do the right thing. I need to make that decision for myself despite all the great advice I get.
Haven’t heard back from him at this point from my last reply….not sure when I will.
Update: Just heard back from him. He said he doesn’t want me to take his reply too hard and he was just trying to be honest with me and that he has had a really terrible rough week. I get that… and I don’t want to feel bad for what I said to him. I told him how I felt and that’s all I can and will do.
Carrie Underwood – Twisted
Baby you’re a wrecking ball crashing into me
Nothing I can do but fall piece by piece
You broke down every part of me that ever thought I’d never need you, baby
It’s twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It’s crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I’m caught up and I’m hanging on
I’m wanna love you even if it’s wrong
Everybody’s telling me I’m over my head
But they don’t feel you lovin’ me
They all say that I’ve gone crazy
Maybe, but it’s too late now to save me
I’m too tangled
It’s twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It’s crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I’m caught up and I’m hanging on
I’m wanna love you even if it’s wrong
Even if it’s twisted
Maybe it’s not right
But that’s all right
Yeah, it’s all right tonight
It’s twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It’s crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
It’s twisted
Messed up
And the more I think about it
It’s crazy, but so what
I may never understand it
I’m caught up and I’m hanging on
I’m wanna love you even if it’s wrong
Even if it’s twisted
Even if it’s just a little bit
Just a little bit
Just a little bit twisted
Yeah, it’s twisted
I have good friends. I do.
Good friends who…
Deal with my drama…soap operas…
Deal with my ups & downs…my happy & sad mentality…
Pick me up when I’m falling…when I lose my mind and fall to pieces…
Stop me from making stupid decisions…and then help to make “better informed” ones (even though I have to put my own spin on them)…
Listen to me go on and on…and still give me advice every single time (even if they’ve done so a hundred times before regarding the same subject).
I’ve needed your friendship since my world fell apart and I know I have it. Thank you.
I’m so confused. I really don’t know how to think, how to act, how to be. Everything that happens to me causes confusion and unrest inside. One minute I’m happy, one minute I’m sad. I’m up, I’m down. When is it gonna even itself out? Seems like NEVER.
I feel like I’m just waiting for something. Sitting here waiting for I don’t know what! I think things out, make the decision, and execute. Then later I’m like – why did you do that?? Then I marinate in unrest afterwards.
I am not the type to be an unhappy person. I like life, I like happiness, I like joy. I hate pain, unhappiness, and despair – it’s just not “me.”
I can’t come to a happy place with everything. I wonder all day if things I’m doing are the right decision. I always think that I’m doing the right thing but then I’m not so sure about my decisions.
Yesterday I felt fine…today I feel like crap. It’s like the littlest things set me off into this “bad” feeling. I think so much into things that I wish I could shut my brain off sometimes.
A couple came to look at my house today. Now I’m not gonna get all crazy and say that I think they will make an offer but they really seemed interested. In this market that means NOTHING but they had all these questions about the house and then asked me how soon I’d be able to move out? I was like WHOA – put me on the spot why don’t ya? So, the fast thinker I am – I said to myself that I really need to sell this house for the price it’s at so I will say anything to do that. I replied that I would do what I needed to do to be out of the house. I could put things in storage and stay with family, etc. Then they said that they needed to close by the end of August because their house was already sold. Seems like they are in the situation I’d be in if they made an offer on my house. I’d need the next person I made an offer to – to get the heck out fast. It’s like a vicious cycle!
After they left I sat here in a panic. Woah, could it happen that quickly? Could they make an offer and then all of a sudden my life would be turned upside down so quickly? I guess it could (and with my luck) happen like that…. Me sitting here just living my life…and then BAM…I will need to race around like a crazy-ass-freak trying to find a new house in 5 mins, pack, close on the new and old home all while working full time and being alone to handle it all. That would happen to me because I am unlucky. I wouldn’t get buyers who had all the time in the world for me to find something and then let them know when I could close. NOOOO – I’d have it the ass-backward way. I know that will happen. I know my luck. And I know I have to take whatever comes because I have no choice! NO CHOICE!!!!!!
I don’t want to look for a new house. I don’t want to make a decision of where I want to live. I don’t want to pack. I don’t want to MOVE. I don’t want to deal with lawyers, closings, movers. I don’t want to do anything!
I know…I know…nothing even happened yet. Stop over thinking. You’d figure things out if it happened. You’re friends and family would be there to help. Yes, I know. But I like to over think. It helps me sort it all out in my head. I think I am just SO TIRED. SO TIRED of handling everything that comes along. Dealing with the situations I’m dealt with. Pushing through. I’m tired of it. When will I be allowed to just sit back and not have to worry so damn much?? I think never.
I seem to get so many curve balls thrown at me that I am bruised and battered. I’m tired. I am just SO tired. I give up. I do. I’m sick of exerting so much energy. I just don’t care anymore.
I must have been a bad person in another life because I just can’t understand why so many things go wrong or are made extremely challenging for me. Why must I work so hard with every little thing? When is it smooth sailing for “breathe”? Um, never.
I haven’t even brought up GI GUY for a while… I think you’re all probably sick of hearing about him and today I’m tired of feeling one way and then another. It’s such a tiring drama. Again, I’m up, I’m down, I’m happy, I’m sad. I’m okay and then I’m lovenly. I’m feeling good about everything between us and then I’m doubting him. It’s like a puzzle and I must be missing all of the damn pieces. It all sucks!
I’m always that girl that gives, gives, gives, till I’m tired and weary. How about someone gives to me instead? This is not a fairy tale like it should have been but I don’t want to let him go (yet) – I just want the whole thing to be how I want it to be. Yes, I KNOW – it doesn’t work like that. You don’t get everything the way you want it, girl!! But how about I get ONE DAMN THING the way I want it??? How about that? Guess it’s just too much to ask.
I can’t explain this feeling I have inside. It’s so painful. It almost stops me in my tracks. It makes me feel like I’m totally losing my mind. I don’t know what to do sometimes to make it stop. It takes over my mind and I just can’t think. I don’t remember feeling turmoil like this in my insides ever.
My stomach is twisting, turning, and churning like the rough ocean in a storm. I get surges of these overwhelming feelings of loss and pain through my body and I’m paralyzed until they pass. I’m a mess. I’m a freaking mess.
But yet I keep going to work like I’m supposed to, I keep busy with my hobbies every night, chatting with friends on the phone or IM, and trying to make it through the day. It’s all because I’m so organized and anal. It’s all because I’m so controlling. It’s all because I can’t fail at anything. Those reasons are what keep me “moving” even if it’s sometimes in a haze/fog/daze/zombie-like-state/comatose but still moving/going through the motions behavior.
If it weren’t for my control factor I would be in my bed crying in the dark waiting for time to pass…waiting for the days to keep on moving. I’d be losing my job, letting my house turn to shit, hobbies collect dust, while friends and family would come in and out to try to break me from this feeling but wouldn’t be able to. Instead I sit here in pain forcing myself to “live my new (empty bottomless free falling) life.”
I feel like I’ve lost everything that I built the last 10 years and for some reason the only thing that bothers me about that is that I have sell my house, pack and move. I’m scared to pick a new place to buy on my own since it’s so permanent. I wish I wasn’t doing all of this decision making alone. My family will help and come with me to see places when it’s time but it’s such a large decision. One I can’t even ponder lately without becoming sick inside. And then I must force myself to stop thinking about it and focus on something else.
I can’t concentrate at work. I’m not getting anything done. My mind swims like my stomach does. I’m a friggin ship out of control on the choppiest, stormiest water you’ve ever seen. I’m surprised I still have a job. Sometimes I can’t even get out of bed in the morning (but I do) and I’m almost late to work. I sit there in a daze watching the giant numbers on the clock flip every sixty seconds…waiting for the day to end. To get home and do what?? I get home and I’m back to the SILENCE and loneliness that are my nights. I can’t think of anything else but these swimming feelings inside. Sometimes I’m fine and then there they are! I try to divert my attention from those feelings but I can’t think of anything else.
Hmmm…what else can I think about…what else can I divert my attention to? Hmmm…I don’t know. I’m not sure what else to focus on (hobbies and conversation with friends don’t always work)! I’ve tried everything else and the my mind still goes to one thing…. this strange fixation I have on someone who is so far away that it’s like they don’t really exist. Someone that I never fully even got to have a chance to be with before they left. Someone that I don’t want to regret ever letting into my life but I end up wondering if I really would have wanted to be with him if he was around for a lot longer to find out.
Now I just pine away thinking about him like a lost friggin puppy dog. I think it’s because I’m dreaming up a reality that might not have even been there but I have no idea. So, it’s hard to just be like “oh forget him” – if the whole thing is such an unknown to me.
I’m trying to have restraint (from being the first one to text, first one to IM, first one to just make contact). I know he doesn’t have a chance to miss me if I’m always there…
I know it’s because I have nothing else to center my attention on so the fixation goes to him. He has no idea of this…it’s just something I am doing to myself.
Damn ocean of emotions!
Damn racing mind!
Damn feelings!
Damn heart!
Damn!
Limbo is not fun. Limbo makes me feel sick in my insides. I don’t like Limbo. Limbo and I are not friends.
You see…I’m a very well organized, detail-oriented person who likes things orderly – including my life. When my life is in chaos spinning out of control I feel like a crazed lunatic trying to put the pieces back together.
I’m like Rosie on the Jetsons when she malfunctioned and kept saying “A place for everything and everything in it’s place.” That’s how I feel about my life. I need to have everything in it’s place to feel normal.
I’m well aware this limbo is creating the increase in anxiety and panic attacks. I should start tracking them all to see how many I can get in a 1 week period. I’m up to 3 this past week. Thank goodness none of them ended in fainting…but if I didn’t “get outta dodge” this past Friday and leave the restaurant I was going to eat dinner at with friends and thier families I might have done DOWN FOR THE COUNT. That would not be good. After the last mishap last month at a restaurant with the fainting…if it happened again I might have crawled under the covers of my bed and never left the house again. Don’t worry friends, I won’t be doing that any time soon.
So, you may be asking if I called those therapy referrals yet. Well, the answer is a big fat “no.” I think it’s because I really don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m sure it might be nice but I’m not in the mood to sit on a couch and talk about how I have anxiety for ten years and if I don’t want to do it – it’s hard to make myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m ready to FEEL BETTER finally after all these years and I need to stop getting panic for no apparant reason out of no where. That needs to stop. So, what I think might be best for me is to go to my regular doctor and see if I can explain where I’m at in my life and ask them to prescribe me the goods. Then if I feel like I want to talk to someone later I will already have the meds in my system! (Sounds crazy “in my system” – uck).
If I went to talk to someone all I’d be telling them over an over is when I don’t feel comfortable all of a sudden my brain shuts itself off in the middle of it all and I go black uncontrollably. I don’t know why but it does. I will repeat that over and over to them and I don’t know what they are going to tell me that I don’t already know about myself. You need to relax, don’t stress, let things slide, don’t let it bother you, let it slide off your back…blah blah blah. I’m just not into it.
My DNA has dealt me a raw deal with anxiety. My mom has it too and unfortunately it got passed down to me. Yay, what a gift!
So, now I just have to call the doctor. Too bad I don’t have a doctor of my own because I don’t like going to the doctor. It makes me anxious. Well, what else did you expect?? So now I will have to go to a brand new doctor and tell them that I’m a new patient, I’m an anxiety case, and I think need meds. Should be a fun experience for me. I can’t wait!
On another note: I miss my diamond rings. I love my engagement ring and my diamond wedding band. I love jewelry in general. I’ve had to resort to wearing a ring that I don’t like on my left hand and I hate it. So on Monday I decided that I would start to wear my diamond wedding band. Not the big ‘ol diamond engagement ring but the band that has 5 simple diamonds going accross it. I thought about it for a while and I decided — who said that girls can’t wear diamond rings on their fingers and not be married??? Not me! So, on it went and I love it. It’s sparkly and makes me happy when I look down at it.
If a diamond band symbolizes marriage and a guy likes me but doesn’t ask me out because a piece of shiny metal is on my hand then he’s stupid for not asking if I’m married or not. If I don’t need more money for a new house and I can keep from selling the engagment ring then I will take the big ‘ol diamond and make something out of it. It’s MY diamond so I can do what I please. Sell it, make a necklace out of it, make another ring out of it, wear it as a nose ring – whatever I chose.
Capricorn soul sister asked me where my engangement ring was and why I wasn’t wearing it. I told her that the engament ring is going a little too far to wear while getting divorced. Guys know what it stands for and if I walked around wearing it no guys would bother looking at me with that thing on. So, the wedding band is as far as I will go for now – until I can rip that other sucker apart and make something out of the big mamma.
The actual RING itself means nothing to me. Nothing except sparkly, shiny, goodness on my hand and I’m happy to wear it. Does that seem strange? I don’t think so.
Tears stream down.
Tears of pain.
Cursed.
Black cloud.
Need peace but feel pain.
Happiness please stay. Pain must go.
Emptiness is draining.
Pain intolerable.
Panic strikes.
No control.
Fear and anxiety…clouded mind.
Run away…
So scared.
Who will catch me when I fall?
ALONE. COMPLETELY.
Just me to care for me.
FEAR.
No energy.
Tasks incomplete.
Don’t care.
Emotions rule.
Judgment fails.
Decisions second guessed.
Think it through.
Don’t react.
What’s right?
Where is the light?
Only darkness.
Black cloud looms.
——————————–
Catch Me When I Fall – Ashlee Simpson
Is anybody out there?
Does anybody see?
That when the lights are off something’s killing me.
I know it seems like people care,
Cause they’re always around me.
But when the day is done and everybody runs
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who’s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
When the show is over
And it’s empty everywhere
It’s so hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I’ve got nowhere to go nowhere but home
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who’s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you’ve been on
That you’re coming off
Leaves you feeling lost
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
sometimes loneliness
is just apart of me
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who’s there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who’s gonna catch me when I fall
I’m trying to put a finger on it. Why was today a good day? I want to know so that I can have more of them.
Maybe it’s the everyday, for 3 days, communication I’ve been having with GI GUY (over the internet). I’m enjoying it and so far it’s been good for me. I’m sure when or if it’s not, you’ll all know about it…that’s for sure.
I’ve been doing so much thinking about this whole situation all day and it’s 4:48am right now and I don’t think I can do anymore thinking at this point. Maybe another time when I have it all figured out (which may be never) I’ll write about it.
For now the roller coaster took an upward incline and I’m just going to enjoy it as it coasts along. Pray it doesn’t drop too soon!
Thank you all for not being judgmental about my last post.
I appreciate you all supporting me through my good and bad decisions and still wanting to be there for me even if you may not agree with my choices.
You let me go on and on and through it all you’re still REALLY listening when I’m talking.
I’m not making the greatest decisions but I’m doing what feels good at the moment.
Tonight, despite the angel on my shoulder giving me doubts, I felt good.
I love you all for loving me the way I am!
Anna Nalick with Breathe (2AM) from the album Wreck Of The Day
“Breathe (2 AM)”
2 AM and she calls me ’cause I’m still awake,
“Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don’t love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason
‘Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day” he said down to the flask in his fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.
Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.
2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to
But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.
I just call it like it is (or like I am). I can’t seem to get enough of it! I guess I just want more, more, more. Give it to me! I’m a glutton, glutton, glutton.
I can’t let go so maybe there is something in the back of mind that doesn’t want to let go. You ask ‘why would anyone want to put themselves through this?’ I couldn’t tell you but I’m doing it. Maybe I have nothing else to do right now and I enjoy the Soap Opera.
“ Like sands through the ourglass these are the days of Breathe’s life.”
Yup, it’s my personal soap opera.
So, GI GUY and I connected yesterday via email. I sent him one and I acted casual…like a friend would (since we were friends for 12 years before this little romance ensued). He replied to my email a few hours later to my shock and surprise telling me how he wished he could see me, etc. and ended the email with “love you.” WTF? He said he was online and we could talk over IM. IM??? IM, you say? You’ve had IM this past 2 weeks and I didn’t know until now? WTF?
But, glutton me decided to quickly download that version of IM and get my ass on there right away to eat up his attention. Yup, I certainly did. We chatted back and forth and he even had the webcam on so I could see his cute-ass smiling face. Ate that right up, yes I did.
He had to get off a couple times in between and go to some meetings but I was busy working all night on the computer so I didn’t care if he came and went. I just wanted to talk to him when he was free as much as I could. He left the web cam on when he left the room and I watched him put his army jacket and hat on leave the room. I kept thinking how surreal it was that I could see him and talk to him like this.
It sort of bugged me out in a way. I kept thinking to myself…oh my god…I can get addicted to this. Sitting home at night waiting for him to come online and talk to me. I realized immediately that I could not let that happen and I would not. I had already decided that:
1) I need to live my life for me now and it’s not like I will sit here for a year waiting for him.
2) I care about him deeply, love when I’m around him, but he’s probably not the right man for me, for my future.
I know, you’re all nodding your heads in agreement – I can see you now. And I’m going to hear: let him go, stop talking to him, he’s just stringing you along, he just wants your attention.
Ummm. Well… I just can’t help it. I want his attention. Even if I don’t know what to believe right now.
I liked hearing him say “i want to hear from you” or “i want you..badly” or “if i were home..id be working on being with u” or “i miss you baby” Yup, I wanted to hear those things and I liked hearing them.
Even though that little angel I mentioned previously on my one shoulder was saying ‘what are you doing to yourself??’
I can’t listen to that angel on my shoulder right now!
I can’t! I can’t! I can’t!
Maybe I’m NOT READY TO LET GO YET!
Maybe I DON’T WANT TO YET!
Thanks to AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends for sending me a link to Made By Girl’s blog post she pointed out a brilliantly written blog post by Hope Dies Last.
Made by Girl posted this screen capture of Hope Dies Last’s post:
This post is so how I’ve felt lately…she summed it up perfectly. Thank you Hope Dies Last!
I’ve read a few of Hope Dies Last’s posts and I like it. I’ve added her blog to my blogroll.
I stayed home from work today. I couldn’t help myself. I just couldn’t go. It might have been staying up until 230am or maybe it was the sick way my stomach felt when I woke up today. Maybe it was anxiety of having to go back to work after 4 days off in a row? Who knows. I just didn’t feel good at all. I got out of my bed 3 times when the alarm went off but could not put the brand new outfit I bought on my body and get in my car and drive to work. I couldn’t do it.
I never call out sick. I can count the times I have called out sick in the past 7 years on 2 or 3 hands. Most of the time when I’m not feeling well I have the laptop at home and I end up working anyway. Well this time I’m not. I stayed in my bed till 11:30 and now I’m just sitting here typing this trying to feel better because tomorrow is another day and I MUST go to bed earlier and go to work. I can’t stay home forever even though I wish I could.
Getting back to the lack of motivation… it’s not just staying home sick today… I’ve been motivation-less for months. I lack the energy to do anything. Is it my situation that is causing it or have I done a complete 180 and turned into a lazy person?? Maybe I been doing almost everything for 10 years
I don’t want go grocery shopping - There is something about food shipping that I loathe…I can hardly make myself go once a month! It’s like a punishment to go. If Peapod Stop & Shop didn’t have a $10.00 fee and I wasn’t so particular about what bananas I will eat & what specific box of a product I choose from the shelf – I would order my groceries online and have them delivered to me.
I don’t want to cook anything – Without buying the food mentioned above…it’s hard to cook air! I am surviving by buying a ton of food when I force myself to go to the supermarket and then I eat what I have until I run out. I’ve also taken to eating large lunches at work and then not eating dinner (or eating a bagel or waffles for dinner). I’ve entertained ordering from those companies that bring you fully cooked meals every night (but I can’t afford that).
I don’t want to clean – I’m a clean & insanely organized person. But I don’t like the act of actual cleaning. I’ve dealt with it for years and forced myself to do what I had to. Now I can’t even do that. Having a black dog who sheds like a maniac makes this a hard thing to ignore (as I type this as tumble weeds of hair roll along my floors like the old west). I’ve become less embarrassed by the dog hair. I’ve taken to embracing it and I’ve decided that I will point the hair out to my friends when they come over as if to say “Yes, there is dog hair everywhere, I can’t deal with it, but I wanted to point it out to you so that you and I are both aware that I need to clean it.” I also can’t stand the dirty sink (or touching the drain thingy to empty it, cleaning dishes (they all do in the dishwasher now), cleaning the shower or the toilets (when I see a ring it’s time to clean the toilet). I have no motivation. The idea of plugging in the vacuum and having to push it around the house sound as enticing as having hot needles stuck in eyes (maybe I’d prefer the needles? Umm…I guess not). I have even entertained the idea of paying someone to clean it for me (which I cannot afford and I’m so anal I would want them to touch my “things” because they probably wouldn’t put them back right..yes, I’m that crazy).
I don’t want to fold my laundry or put things on hangers - I wash it and then leave it in the basket until I desperately need items out of it and I take them one at a time until there are less clothes and then I put the rest away. By the time that happens it’s time to do laundry again! Bad bad bad.
I can’t say I’m not motivated to go out with friends but – But sometimes I don’t have the energy to push myself to get up and get ready. I guess it all depends what we’re going to be doing and how much energy that exerts and how I feel that day. Sometimes I want to just sit here in this desk chair and just putz around (which I know is okay…as long as I don’t do it everyday).
I don’t want to kick the ball around with my dog in the yard - this one gives me the MOST guilt. He doesn’t deserve this treatment. He’s use to “THE-X” playing with him 10 times a night and I’m not giving him what he needs but I refuse to give him up! It could be because it’s too hot out and I hate the heat but it’s just not fair to him. And to top this off I’ve been leaving him home alone a lot because I’ve been trying to “get out there” and do things. It’s a catch 22 with this situation.
Visiting with my grandfather in the nursing home - I’ve only gone once since he was moved there. That’s so shameful of me!
Visiting with my mom and sister or calling my dad and aunt who live far away - I haven’t even done this as often as I should. I’ve had energy for friends but not for making time for my family??? What the hell is that about?
I don’t participate in some of my hobbies the way I did - I am a crafty girl who will actually make birthday cards for people…I have birthdays looming on the calendar and I can’t even fathom the idea of making something. Instead I picked up the phone yesterday and just called my friend to wish her a happy birthday and told her I was GOING TO make her a card but I just couldn’t. She understood.
*The problem with not wanting to food shop or cook is that I’m worried about what that does for my health and keeping my weight to the happy place I am in.
*The problem with not cleaning is fine if it was just me looking at my dirty house. The fact that I’m selling my house makes it impossible to ignore things for too long. There’s only so much a potential buyer won’t notice.
*My dog… well he’s been there with me every step of the way to comfort me through all my pain and he deserves the same love, respect and attention that I’m not giving him.
*Lacking motivation for hobbies (except for one which I’ve been keeping busy with) isn’t good for me. I love “doing” things and it makes me who I am…the Energizer Bunny (which my one friend calls me). I like being busy 24/7.
I’ve been trying to do just that – KEEP BUSY. But as my friend “SS” said to me – “Sometimes that only fills the time void.” Boy, did that strike a chord with me when I read that in her email…it’s all I’ve been thinking about.
I guess I am filling the void with keeping busy but I’m not sure what else to do. I guess it’s better to be busy then sit trapped in my house staring at the computer or the TV. I am filling the void the best I can until the void is gone and I’m a whole person.
But how do I get over the lack of motivation to do things that require actual effort like food shopping, cooking and cleaning…caring for my pet and seeing my family? I don’t know how to make myself do those things when I don’t want to. I KNOW they need to be done by I ignore them. What is wrong with me!
Maybe when I have my own NEW place that is JUST mine I will want to care for it and tend to it versus this big ass house that I was left to deal with alone when jerkface decided to leave. He should be driving his ass here to clean once a week and mow the half acre lawn. Instead I’m left to clean and he is paying “HALF” for someone to mow the lawn (well, I’m sick of paying half…and I might just tell him that when I talk to him next) and I’m sick of cleaning for “showings” of my house that can pop up anytime of the day on any day.
Damn…putting these things out there on the blog today really, really shined a light on ‘em. Still doesn’t make me get up and do them but it shined a monster-sized halogen light right on ‘em. Guess I need to go back and read this post every day to see what I’m neglecting in my life and see if I can get my butt motivated somehow!
UPDATE: I motivated myself to bring out the recycling. ::clapping::
There has to be someone that knows the psychology of WHY I am hung up on someone that I carried on with for 6 weeks versus someone I was with 10 years?
Does this make sense? Not to me. It has to be a psychological thing. Alwaysknewwedbefriends is so right when she said that she doesn’t think there is any hope that he will be anything I need (even superficially for attention only). She hit the nail on the head.
The thing is…I know this. It wasn’t a shock to hear it. Those thoughts are all in the back of my head. I’m a smart girl who usually NEVER lets anyone take advantage of me and my emotions. I think the issue is that I like to be in control and I have had no control over this situation from the very beginning. I lost the control right away.
I actually haven’t had total control of my life in to months (as of this Thursday, 7/11). I still have no control over the direction my life is going and I can’t take it. I have no control of GI GUY’s behavior, no control of when my divorce will be finished up, no control of when my home will sell, and no idea where my life will take me. I like control. I live my life in a controlled manner. I’m very particular about every decision I make and right now I’m OUT OF CONTROL.
I think I have let the terrible things that have happened to me the past 10 months of my life come out in and center around one person who was only in my life 6 weeks (forget that fact that he and I were friends for 12 years). I know it’s not GI GUY specifically that is making my heart hurt – it’s the entire situation I’ve been going through! But it came out looking like it was all about him when it’s not all about him (he’s part of it but it’s not all about him).
Tonight I admitted out loud to CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre that the entire problem I’ve been having with the way things went with GI GUY was that 1) I wasn’t in control of the situation and 2) it’s basically crushing my own ego —> and I can’t take that. After my impending divorce I guess I was looking for complete and total attention from someone and I got some attention but now how I planned.
My ego is suffering a blow because of the fact that I couldn’t make this guy so crazy about me, that he would be head over heels for me, and so smitten couldn’t think of anything else but me. It didn’t work. I guess I was the one who ended up not being about to think about anything else but HIM! Ughhhh, I guess my “plan” backfired on me and now all I am left with is more loss because of it!
I am pretty much aware of that fact that it’s NOT GI GUY specifically but the idea of any guy that I wanted complete attention from and only got 40% and I couldn’t CONTROL the situation like I wanted. I couldn’t make him behave like I wanted to. I am well aware that I am a control freak and this comes down to not being about to get exactly what I wanted.
This is a large revelation (well maybe the answer was hiding in the back of my mind all along) but only came out tonight when I got upset about the fact that GI GUY had logged into Myspace Thursday and today (which means he had internet access twice already) but never took the time, yet, to reply to my last email from this past Sunday. It made me so upset tonight that C.S.S. and I.C.B.H.A.W.A. could see it on my face for an hour when I discovered that Myspace showed a login date of today and he had updated his page with his status and his address at the base in case anyone wanted to write him! I guess he’s looking for attention from people as much as I am. Can’t fault that guy for that!
While I sat there, with my friends tonight, so disturbed and upset, it came to me. I am so mad that things didn’t go my way when I had planned them all so differently…the last 6 weeks he was in town were supposed to be all dreamy and fun. But instead were sometimes fun but mostly disappointing. I imagined so many other scenarios but they never panned out.
So…conclusion to this is…I’m glad I realized it’s not GI GUY specifically causing my turmoil. It’s the loss of control over everything in my life (divorce, selling my home because I can’t afford it on my own, taking care of the house on my own, shaky stability at my job, anxiety getting worse, and GI GUY is a part of it…he doesn’t get off the hook with my revelation because he still has done me wrong).
I wonder where this revelation will bring me?
Well, I ventured out of my comfort zone the other night and went out with my gal pals. I wasn’t so comfortable with going to an event where I only knew the two people I was going with but I went anyway.
Comfort Zone, © Anita Murphy, www.anitamurphyart.com, Charcoal on Paper, March 2007
The whole day of the party I was worried about going. I called Mommabear at least 3 times throughout the course of the day and told her that my body wants to go and is FINE with going to the party but my brain is not. Or it’s like I have angel of happy, good, fun times on one shoulder and the ANXIETY-PANIC-FORCE-YOU-TO-FAINT devil on the other shoulder. The devil overpowers the angel 9 out of 10 times.
Of course Mommabear exclaimed immediately that I better get to the counselor (which she has been saying for 10 years) but then she also said there is no reason not to go to the party and I better not stay home!
Well, I didn’t stay home. I went. Strangely I didn’t feel one ounce of panic or anxiety while I was driving, walking to the party from the car, or when I got to the party. There was only one second when I felt nervous for just one moment and that was when I crouched down for a second and my sprained ankle had a sharp pain run through it. I sat down right away and I was okay because the pain did not increase (luckily)….but imagine it did??
Well, let’s not imagine what would happen if the pain increased…that’s what I NEED TO DO. I need to stop pre-worrying about things. If they happen…they happen. I can’t pre-control the situation and I can’t make myself upset in advance.
I’m sure if I went to see a counselor that’s what they would tell me and try to teach me how to deal with. My problem is that I really don’t want to talk to someone. I want to just live my life NORMALLY without having to go to see someone every week, or 2 weeks, or month. I’m even willing to take medication but I do not want to sit and talk to someone. I told Mommabear this on Friday and she said I need to talk to them along with if they gave me medication. She said I have things I have to work out internally and that’s what they would be there to help with.
Of course I am stubborn and I childishly said to her that I am willing to take medicine and I want it to cure me of my anxiety…yes folks, I want a little miracle pill. Don’t they make those? They must!
I’m mad at myself today for staying up soooo late last night that I couldn’t get up until 12:30. But you know me. I hate going to sleep at night. So I stay up and work on my blog, my hobby, and putz around the computer all night while listening to music. Then when I’m so tired that I’m falling asleep in my desk chair then I go up to bed and pass out immediately.
Late last night I left a voicemail for GI GUY on his cell but then this morning I got a message back from the cell provider saying the voicemail did not go through. I don’t understand why unless it as to do with them not having cell service right now…who knows. But the point is that I left a message for him. I wasn’t ever going to do that…I was going to wait for him to reply to my email from last Sunday and take it from there but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to so I did. I’m not playing games I decided. If I want to call then I will. If i want to write an email then I will. If I want to write 10 emails then I will do that as well! I won’t sit here and wonder if it’s a “sign” that my voicemail didn’t go through. It’s NOT. It just MY LUCK.
I DO hope he gets some some internet time this weekend and replies to my last email. I guess I need to understand how I want to behave with the whole situation going forward. I need to decide what will work best for me.
So, to summarize…I stepped out of my recent issues with needing to be in the comfort zone, I survived perfectly fine, I don’t like to go to sleep at night and I wasted my whole morning sleeping and sitting in my PJ’s on the computer —-> but I’m okay with it.
Im sitting here again
Another Sunday morning
Trying to figure out just who to be
I cant keep going on like this
Ive got to break awayWhoah, whoah
Everything Ive said is over
Whoah, whoah
I cant take this any longer
Whoah, whoah
I need to get out of this zone
Whoah, whoahI hope you see where Im coming from
Its time to make a move
Change my fate
Let go of all the things that feed my complacency
Dont wanna be a wannabe
No more wasted days anymore
Comfort Zone – Everyday Sunday
(I never heard of them before but the lyrics went well with how I was feeling.)
Today is Independence Day.
And that’s what I am now —-> Independent.
Independent = single girl
Independent = take care of yourself
Independent = come home to an empty home every night
It’s totally okay to be independent. Actually it’s great to be independent. I’ve always been independent my whole life…even when I was with “THE-X” for 10 years I basically lived my own life without any restrictions. But today independent also means that I am alone.
In a world full of people or even a room full of friends I feel alone.
It’s not easy coming home to an empty, SILENT home (well I have my doggie but…). I realized the minute that “THE X” wasn’t coming home that silence is the one thing I would grow to really hate. I’ve been putting music on everyday because I can’t stand it anymore. Soon I will be walking around talking to myself.
When it’s silent it gets me thinking way too much. My mind is everywhere wondering what is going to happen to me, when will my house sell, where the hell am I going to live when it does? What can I afford? Will I lose my job the minute I buy something based on my current salary? If I lose my job what will I do? Will I ever meet someone? When will I hear from GI GUY? Is he thinking about me?
Sometimes the silence or loneliness is so intense that I become desperate to find someone to talk to. Whether it’s on the phone, text, instant messenger…I become very needy for contact with friends or family. It’s like I need constant friendship surrounding me or I will go mad from the silence/loneliness. I need constant plans for the weekend or I feel crazy just sitting here by myself. I’m heavily relying on my friends for companionship and they can’t always be there for me 24 hours a day. Unfortunately the college days of constant friends around you 24 hours a day are over and I would give anything just to go back to those days….anything! I guess I just need attention.
What’s comical is that I couldn’t wait to have 4 days off from work but do you know what that has given me? 4 days of silence. I’m not staying home all day, everyday, but in between finding things to do…it’s silence.
I can’t stand going to bed at night. That’s when things are MOST silent and I feel MOST alone. I think about the people I shouldn’t be thinking about and I get stuck on those thoughts…mostly because I have nothing else to occupy my mind so it wanders back to the best good feelings I can come up with. What else is there to think about besides something that made me feel some good versus all the emptiness I’m feeling now?
I’m happy that won’t be living a life that wasn’t exactly what my dream marriage was but at the same time you get used to 
having someone around everyday. Someone to talk to about anything, grab a bite to eat with, go to a movie with. But I’m a firm believer NOW that you don’t stay with someone just because it’s comfortable. You must make yourself happy at any cost. You can’t look back and wonder why you stayed and gave up the life you wish you had. I’ve learned the hard way that there should be no regrets.
Knowing I can start my life over and being able to make sure that it’s the way I want it to be is a gift but at the same time I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want that new life to be.
Eventually I will find myself but the journey is a hard and lonely one.
I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
I was talking to Oscar about what I was going to write about today. He said, “Why don’t you write about something happy?” I said, “Because I’m not happy.” He said “Why don’t you write about your dog.” I replied “I am NOT writing about my dog!” I said “I’m going to talk about my feelings again…more mellow drama I’m sure.” I wish it was all rainbows and puppy dogs right now but it’s not.
I hate that I’ve been on the downward part of the roller coaster ride again but such is life. AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends said that she’s happy I blog about my thoughts here so that the negative thoughts don’t spill over into my everyday life. That’s a very good point and I’m happy I blog about my feelings as well. It helps me sort them out and I read the posts back later a few times to see where I was then and I how I’m progressing. Even if I had no readers it would help to just get my thoughts out here…it’s like a modern form of a diary to me.
Last night I was pretty bummed. Bummed that I’m walking around trying to live my new life and all I can do is think about GI GUY and our little 6 week “thing.” Even through the ups and downs during our “fling” I still always fell right under his spell when I saw him in person. I could never get mad at him even though I should have. His life situation made it hard for me to really be upset with him.
So, now that he has been deployed I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep trying to figure out why he stays in my head all day long. Maybe because when were with each other things between us felt so right and so unbelievably good to me. We were both going crazy times in our lives and the connection we felt (from being old friends) really made it easy to fall right into each others lives when we both needed those “good feelings” most. It was so easy to like him. And it’s so hard to get over him now.
I keep having “flashbacks” memories of him when I walk around my house…when I look at my couch, my kitchen table, my bed, and even my bathroom?? What I find strange is that I don’t have these flashback memories of “The-X” as I walk around my house. I wonder what that means?? It’ so strange….I know. I guess I had a have a huge crush and I’m having a hard time letting go of him. I didn’t even have enough time with him, to begin with, and now I have to let him go.
When I’m all alone is when I think the most. Especially late at night when it’s time to go to sleep. It’s then that I feel the saddest and loneliest. I sit in my bed with my cell on my nightstand thinking about what I would text him or what voice mail I’d like to leave him (but I never do). I was the last one to write (to him) via email Sunday and I need to be patient to see what he replies when he is able to get internet connection (supposedly cell service isn’t working where he is yet, either).
I’m not building my life around him, please believe me, but as I said in my last post: the attention is nice. I can’t believe how insane it is to be recently single after a 10 year relationship and then get involved with someone who is now gone for over a year! I wouldn’t and couldn’t wait around – that’d be crazy insane. But can you believe my luck?? This should have been the summer of love (LOL) but instead it’s the summer of 2 losses in a row!
I had a long talk with CapricornSoulSister late, late, late last night and we both solidly agree that this was the best thing to happen to me during what I was going through. She pointed out (and I agreed) that before GI GUY came into my life again I was sad about losing my marriage, my house, and starting my life over. When he appeared out of no where all of my terrible fears and terrible sadness floated away. She and I agreed that I needed him to remove me from the bad place I was in to a world where I felt special, beautiful, loved, sexy, wanted, and desirable. It was a good thing. Now I just need to get to a new good place again.
I got a call from an old friend today who I hadn’t talked to in a long time. I thought she was mad at me after not answering 3 emails in a row and some IM’s I sent her a while back. She thought I was mad at her for something else that had happened. Crazy hah? Well, she heard from her sister that my MySpace page said I was single and was worried when she heard that and called me to check on me.
I’m glad she did. She went through a divorce (after one year of marriage) about 3 years ago so she knew everything I was feeling and I was there when that all happened with her. I was in disbelief that she was getting a divorce back then…now look at me 3 years later! She gave me good advice and it’s refreshing to know that she found someone else that she is in love with and feels the complete opposite of how her relationship with her x-husband did.
We talked for a few hours and everything is fine now. It’s always like that when it’s someone you’ve known forever. You can’t harbor bad feelings in your heart. You just have to let things go. It’s unhealthy not to. It was a crazy misunderstanding and now when I look back I feel so stupid that we didn’t talk for so long. But I’m happy that we talked about the misunderstanding and we’re back to being “good” that easily. Crazy how these things happen among friends.
Anyway…I hope things start looking up for me soon. Tomorrow I’m going to a July 4th party with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre but I’m a little nervous because I don’t know anyone else there. With my horrible increase in anxiety I now get nervous over everything all of a sudden. I SOOOO have to pick up the phone and call those counselors I was referred to. I definitely can’t deal anymore and I think I need to be on medication! I need a life free of FEAR over NOTHING…now I feel fear over things I ACTUALLY want to do!
Imagine I start dating and faint on my date from panic? NOW THAT WOULD BE FUN! Reclusive-ness here I come!
PS: Now how funny is this? I just wrote above that I hope things start looking up for me soon…then 1 minute later AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends said she wanted me to hear a new band. She said they had a song that reminded her of me. Guess what it was called? Look To The Stars.
It says its like this lack of direction brings forth the question did I go too far…we are finding who we are down this road we walk…look to the stars…seize every moment…you gotta believe when i say…
*Currently listening to Colbie Caillat’s song called Magic on www.Pandora.com. Never heard of her before but I like it. If you haven’t tried Pandora.com – you need to! It is awesome!
