What a Weekend!

Well folks…I made it through the entire weekend with no issues! Yay me!

Actually, it was a great weekend. I had so much fun the whole day of the wedding with my friends and never once felt anxious at all. I was so thankful to be able to enjoy the entire day and night without one issue. Since I wasn’t a bridesmaid I was actually able to help the bride all day with everything she and the bridal party needed and I became a spur of the moment wedding coordinator. LOL.

I’ve been in a million weddings attended so many others, and of course I planned my own by myself. So, I was happy to help her through the day. My ankle is suffering from it today but it was worth it.

On another note…and I’m sure you’re all waiting to hear about this…

I heard back from GI GUY. Yes, folks, he replied yesterday afternoon to my LONG LONG LONG email from Friday.

I was on the phone with Always Knew We’d Be Friends when I got the email from him and I started crying as I read it. I was so overtired from the wedding weekend, had no sleep for a week and I was delirious and emotional. I don’t know why but it made me cry.

He said all the “right” things…but at this point I decided that I need to take the reply for what it’s worth to me. It was an “apology” and statements of how he feels so terrible and cares so much for me…and he doesn’t want me to let him go while he’s away, and how he’d never take advantage of me or use me, etc which is great and so “nice” to hear. But, it’s an apology that I promoted after pouring out all of my feelings to him. If I didn’t write to him I wonder when I would have heard from him??

I said everything I would have said to him if I had seen him during his last week before deployment (like I was supposed to). I told him how he made me feel so good and then so bad at the same time. How I felt like crap when he couldn’t come over and how not saying goodbye was horrible.

He said he texted me before he left and he doesn’t know why I didn’t get it. I didn’t get a thing from him and I don’t think I believe he texted me. How conincidental that it’d be one text EVER that didn’t go through to me from him in 6 weeks. I told him I never got it and I had the phone with me all night. I said he should have called (even it was 5am) because texting is no way to say goodbye…and I wanted to speak to him before he left.

When I replied back to him I didn’t let him off the hook. I reiterated a couple things, again, because I think he needs to hear how he made me feel. I wanted him to understand that It was supposed to be a fun 6 weeks before he left and I didn’t need a roller coaster of emotions after what I had just been through with the loss of my marriage. I mentioned that he knows how I feel now and I won’t rehash all of this drama over and over.

So, now he is aware of how my heart was broken, and how I fell for him a little too much when it wasn’t supposed to be that serious. Not falling for him was hard for me beacause he wasn’t some stranger off the street. He was a GOOD FRIEND first and then all this happened. I couldn’t help but care too much for someone who had always been special to me and became even more special to me.

I’m not a silly girl, I know that he’s gone for a long time so I won’t be sitting here pining away for him as if he’s going to be able to come over my house tomorrow. I know he’s gone for way too long and I have to let him go in “that kind of way” because I need to move on with my life. He’s not sitting here asking me to be “his girl.”

I’ll chalk it up to being the best and worst little romance I’ve ever had. I know that he isn’t the right guy for me for the long term to begin with, so, there’d be no reason to sit here waiting as if something will happen between us in 2009! I don’t have the rest of my life to sit around waiting for him. It was supposed to be a fun 6 week fling until he left.

As of right now I haven’t met anyone else (which is fine) but I am lonely. If GI GUY wants to give me attention while he’s away…wants to make me feel good with sweet words, letters, emails, texts…then fine…go right ahead…be my guest!! Who doesn’t like to think that someone is pining over them (even if he might not really be)? It’s not going to hurt because I’m not sitting here being played. I’m too smart for that.

At this point he’s the one that needs my attention, doesn’t want me to let him go or walk away from him. He wants to hear from me and said he’d communicate with me as much as possible. He feels the loneliness that I did when he couldn’t come over (like he promised) or barely called or texted the last week or so. I’ll give him attention if I get attention from him in return and it will feed my loneliness…it’s that simple.

I’m sympathetic to his situation, where he is, the danger his life will be in, and a brave hero he is BUT I still have feelings and emotions and I did (and still do) deserve his utmost respect despite what he was/is going through.