I Made It Through Tonight!

I feel so blessed that there are people out there (friends and strangers) who take the time out of their day to care enough to comment on what I’ve been going through.

To know that others feel the same way and feel the need to reach out to me and hope that it helps – I wanted to let you know that it does help.

I’m so happy and thankful that I started this blog. Writing it all out has really helped me so much. You can’t imagine how good it feels to get the thoughts out of my head and in writing. And then I look back to see what I wrote later on and I really see the impact of my fears and what they are doing to me starting me right back in the face.

It’s helping me face reality – and your thoughts and comments are helping me face those realities with a positive outlook on how the rest of my life will be once I pick up the phone and make the appointment with a counselor.

Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. It means more to me than you know.

On another note. As a follow up to last night’s I’m So Scared post:

I was in bad shape all day. I felt terrible at work, I ended up leaving work early, came home, had a not so great nap, took a really long shower just letting the hot water hit me in the face for quite a while, ate something so that I wouldn’t feel sick from hunger, took a 1/4 of a “calming pill,” got dressed and went. As I was driving I actually started to feel GOOD about going and happy to see everyone and do this for my friend.

I made it to the rehearsal dinner and although I was a bit nervous when I got there (and had to take another 1/4 of a “calming pill”) I was okay and actually had a really nice night.

I was so happy that I didn’t let myself cancel out at the last minute and ruin it for the bride and groom. I was honored that they even gave me a little thank you gift for doing the photography for them of their night. Imagine I didn’t dhow? They’d be so disappointed and I’d never forgive myself for letting anxiety rule my life.

So I made it there, got over the nervousness and the desire to run to the restroom and faint away…

All of this made me feel so much better about the wedding tomorrow. As long as I don’t get hurt (which makes it hard to avoid fainting) I think I will be okay and have a really good time with my friends and doing the candid photography for my friend’s special day. I’m actually going to stay over after the wedding…something I don’t normally find myself doing…normally I want to go home right after.

So, my bags are packed and I’m ready to go! Wish me good luck!

I’ll update you all on Sunday!

One more PS: Today I finally wrote GI GUY an email. I’m not sure when he will be able to check it and if he’ll reply but I decided it was time to tell him how I felt about him leaving me without a proper goodbye. It was a pretty long e-mail so I hope he reads it all and replies with some kind of explanation as to what happened at the very end of our little “thing we had going.” If you all knew the entire story of the past 6 weeks with GI GUY you’d say screw him but I can’t just let it go like that. That’s not me. We were friends for 12 years. I need a dialog with him about what happened, how I felt, and why he behaved the way he did.

I’m not sure what his internet capabilities are, where he is right now, but I’ll keep you all posted on what he has to say for himself.

If he doesn’t respond…I’ll be crushed. But, we’ll see. It could be a while and I’ll have to be patient with this one.