I’m So Scared

Well, you all know that I have anxiety. I’ve explained what triggers it and why.

One of the things I mentioned in a previous post that sets off panic for me was pain. Actually, pain is where it all started. If it weren’t for the fainting from pain issue that I’ve had since I was a baby — maybe it wouldn’t have morphed itself into “regular anxiety” and panic attacks…but it did.

My very good friend from college is getting married this weekend. Sometimes weddings can be fun when you know everyone there and you’re excited to spend time with them. Good food, open bar, dancing, mingling and cute little favors…sometimes those things can be fun.

Well this time I am already feeling like it won’t be fun for me (yes, I’m ALREADY psyching myself out).

I’ll explain why…

1) I’m recently single and I don’t have someone like GI GUY around to take as a date. So, YAY, I get to go alone…all because I think it’s rude to ask to bring a random friend when your friend is paying 150.00 a plate for the reception. I’m too nice to even ask if she’d mind. I just wouldn’t do it! I’ll go alone and hang out with all of my married friends. Woo Hoo!

This isn’t SUCH a big deal for me because I’m not the type of girl who minds doing things alone. Normally I wouldn’t give a darn about this issue if it wasn’t for #2 below.

2) I sprained my ankle last Friday.…a NIGHTMARE for me! It had such a bad trickle down after effect. One was not seeing GI GUY before he was leaving for deployed (for over a year) because I was too scared that if I went out to the bar the night before he left – that my ankle would hurt, I wouldn’t feel “good,” have panic, and then faint in a bar! So, I missed saying goodbye in person and you all know what happened after that…there wasn’t a proper goodbye from his end!

So, now, because of that pain anxiety, I’m fearful and scared that when I’m at this wedding I won’t feel “good,” have panic, and then faint at a wedding!

It’s not just the wedding that I have to worry about….

I will work all day tomorrow, leave early, come home, get dressed for her rehearsal dinner (which I will be dong the photography of for her), and leaving immediately to get there (an hour away). I’ll be on my feet for a while at the dinner.

Then I will drive an hour home dead tired to get ready for an early day Saturday. I have to prethink of everything I need for the weekend. I have to get my photography gear together, pack clothes to stay over at the hotel after the wedding, get my wedding outfit ready with everything I need for that because….I’m photographing the bridesmaids bright and early at 9AM about 35 mins from my house, going to the bride’s mom’s house to do photos of them getting ready, get ready myself, and then follow them to the ceremony, follow them when the do photography at the beach in between the ceremony and reception, and then attend the reception. LONG DAY and a lot of time on my bum foot/ankle.

By the time I get to the reception I’m so scared that I will be in pain and NOT FEEL GOOD! So this is why I sit here at midnight panicking. I will panic all day at work tomorrow, all the way home from work, all the way to the rehearsal dinner. I will feel extreme panic when I first get there and hopefully the feelings will subside without me having to take a “calming pill” that makes me feel all dopey.

Today was hard enough on my foot. I had to run to the mall and find a dress all within an hour or so. The mall had the main escalators closed so every time I had to go up or down a floor I had to walk SO FAR! So by the time I got home tonight and tried everything on my ankle is now throbbing a bit. It better be feeling better tomorrow!

These thoughts (before something even happens) are what drive me nuts. They are the thoughts that drive others to become recluses and never leave their home. I won’t let these thoughts take over my life. I just won’t!

I made a step in the right direction after I wrote the last blog post on anxiety. You’ll all be very proud of me. I called my former marriage counselor and asked him for a referral to a woman therapist who specializes in helping with anxiety sufferers. He gave me 2 telephone numbers to call. I haven’t called them yet but I will. It will just take me a little time to pick up the phone and call to make an actual appointment, but I will. Calling him and getting the numbers was a big step for me…in the right direction.

So I sit here in fear. I’m scared. I can’t have this happen at my friend’s wedding. Especially since this is the friend that I already had a panic attack at her bachelorette party 2 weeks ago – which involved fainting in the ladies room at a restaurant…ambulance being called…not going out with them after dinner…going home early (and I certainly didn’t need an ambulance…but I won’t get into that right now…that’s a whole other rant about how people don’t understand anxiety and panic and you hear things like are you epileptic, do you have diabetes? NO! I have anxiety!)

I can’t feel this way tomorrow and Saturday.

I cannot allow this.

I just can’t.

I won’t.

NO!