Goodbye

He left without saying goodbye…

The day I had been dreading…is here. But it didn’t turn out how imagined it.

Today is the day he “ships off” (well…flys off, in his case, no ships for him). I was supposed to see him for the last time…last night…at a reunion event for our college but because of unfortunate circumstances (sprained foot) I just couldn’t go.

Can you believe it? All I wanted to do was go to see him one last night. I thought about it for weeks and now I cannot believe I was too ANXIOUS and worried that if my foot hurt while I was out that I wouldn’t feel good…and then you all know what that does to me —faint-o-rama!! And we can’t have that happen again…not there…not with him…not on his last night out with friends before he leaves for the “sandbox” (as he calls it).

Can you believe my luck, though? I think I’m going to say that over and over again until I lose my mind. I can’t believe my luck! I struggled with it in my head all night long…should I just get in the car and tough it out? Would I be okay? Do you see how anxiety holds me back at the wrong time?

Thank god I was hanging with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre all night because they soooo kept my mind and occupied and glass full!

NOTE: I guess I never explained in my anxiety post yesterday that “passing out or fainting” all started when I was extremely young. As a child (and still as an adult) I fainted/passed out from my own blood or pain. It’s called vasovagal syncope:

People with vasovagal syncope typically have recurrent episodes, usually when exposed to a specific trigger. The initial episode often occurs when the person is a teenager, then recurs in clusters throughout his or her life. Prior to losing consciousness, the individual frequently experiences a prodrome of symptoms such as lightheadedness, nausea, sweating, ringing in the ears, uncomfortable feeling in the heart, weakness and visual disturbances. These last for at least a few seconds before consciousness is lost, which typically happens when the person is sitting up or standing. When they pass out, they fall down; and when in this position, effective blood flow to the brain is immediately restored, allowing the person to wake up.

The autonomic nervous system’s physiologic state (see below) leading to loss of consciousness may persist for several minutes, so:

1. if the person tries to sit or stand when they wake up, they may pass out again; and
2. the person may be nauseated, pale, and sweaty for several minutes.

I could sort of deal with that issue as an adult but when I got older the passing out/fainting from blood or pain morphed into fainting from panicking about something or being nervous about something (when pain wasn’t even the cause). Since I’d rather not get more into the anxiety/blood/pain/fainting discussion again — this paragraph gives you a little more understanding into where all of this started (I should have explained it a bit more in my previous post) but you need to know why the sprained foot kept me from going last night.

With that being said…after I sprained my foot Friday when I met RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend for lunch (that’s a whole tale on it’s own!) I was so devastated it happened to me because all I could think about was the reunion and being able to see GI GUY one last time! I had a huge decision to make and today I sit here regretting my choice BIG TIME! I didn’t GO! What is wrong with me? It’s the last time I would be able to see him before he goes away for approximately a year and 3 months to war?? I’m so beside myself right now!

The reason I SHOULDN’T BE BESIDE MYSELF right now is that he really didn’t make it clear that he really wanted to see me there and he wasn’t BESIDE HIMSELF that he couldn’t. I didn’t hear from him all day and I finally texted him asked why he was ignoring me so much throughout the past week..I wanted to know if he was mad at me or if I didn’t something wrong since we last saw each other and had a great night. He finally texted me back at 10pm and said…no he wasn’t mad, just crazy busy and he mentioned that no one showed up for the reunion! Oh how that made me more upset!

No one showing up would have been a great thing for me because his attention wouldn’t have been in a hundred different places. We could have hung out the whole time. I didn’t go though! But, like I said he wasn’t making it clear how much he wished I had gone. I was the one saying I can’t believe I’m not going to see you…and meet me somewhere…and aren’t you upset that you won’t see me one more time, etc? He just responded that yes he wanted to see me…nothing else… after a while he completely stopped responding to my texts altogether…

Then my friend ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre helped me craft a simple text late in the night where I talked about meeting him somewhere..and if he couldn’t he should at least call or text me before he leaves the base for his DEPLOYMENT but I never heard anything else from him! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! ZIP!

If he’s leaving the base on plane, TODAY, did he leave already? Without calling or writing? It’s so late in the day…I’m sure they left already…although I don’t know… Oh, I’m just torturing myself here at my desk as I write this! Okay…I give in…text just sent “Did you leave?” The phone says the message was delivered…so that means he is either still here with his phone ON or he arrived at the base (where they will be at for a few months) and turned his phone back on. He could be BUSY (as usual) but I deserve an answer.

Well, ladies and gents…we’re back to the way girls torture themselves over guys’ behaviors. I guess the past 6 weeks or so didn’t mean the same thing to him that it did to me…and all the years of our friendship must not have been meaningful at all as well. Sometimes it makes me feel like a used dirty tissue. My friends warned me but I didn’t want to listen. Hell, I warned my damn self that if I got involved with my LONG TIME friend that this MAY happen but I still couldn’t help it. I got in too deep but I wanted to (and that’s the difference).

The only thing that sort of helps is the agreement that my friends and I all have on the subject… SingleChildhoodFriend, RecentlyDivorcedFriend, CapricornSoulSister, and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre will all tell you that he sooooo served a purpose for me! A huge purpose! He took my mind off of what was happening to me, stopped my nightly cries in my bed, and turned the switch back on for me. He made me realize that I could care about someone else, love someone else, feel butterflies again…that I was desirable, loveable, and that I was still able to take cloud 9 for a spin (after being with someone else for so long, married, and soon to be divorced at 32). Even if I never ever talked to him again in my entire life (which I don’t see happening) I will always be thankful for the purpose that he served in my life to lift me out of a drowning pool of misery.

I almost almost positive that I will eventually hear from him…I don’t think he’d be able to drop me like this so easily…especially when he is away, alone for all this time in a war zone. It’s seems strange to say that when he reaches his deployment destination he will finally have some time to “think.” But it’s true. He’s been so crazy the last 6 weeks that I just added to the drama of his life and having to leave his friends and family. You have to put your real life on hold and focus on the task at hand and I’m sure I was a big distraction craving his constant attention and I don’t think he could handle it! So that’s why I say that I think I WILL hear from him. And you all will be the first to know!

Quote of the day from SingleCityGirl”B” about the situation: “Just put him in the oven for a while…I’m sure he’ll come out good at some point!”

All I have to say is thank god for CapricornSoulSister, SingleChildhoodFriend, ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre, IndianaGalPal, AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends, SingleCityGirl”B”, Oscar, and CITYGUY. You won’t believe how much they all have listened to me rant on and on about this guy and the roller coaster he has put me on for 6 weeks! Oh, thank you all for not strangling me over this soap opera! Some of the torture is over but I still there is more drama to come that I will need you for (so buckle up).

I’m aware that this entire post may have jumped around, may not have fully explained the tale of GI GUY and my not have been totally coherent but it just flowed out of my fingers exactly as I typed it here. Hopefully it’s not too convoluted; I wanted to get some of these feelings off my chest. The main point is I think he left without saying goodbye to me and I can’t get over not going there last night to see him. I just can’t….my heart is in pieces…two times in a row…

Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I’m still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you’re gone
And I’m still crying
Shocked, broken
I’m dying inside

Where are you?
I need you
Don’t leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me

Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don’t leave my side
It’s not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you…

(excerpt from Haunted…Kelly Clarkson)