I have anxiety.
Yes, I do. I carry it around with me everyday like a 10,000 pound fanny that you can’t take off (who’d want to wear a 10,000 pound fanny pack anyway? (No offense to any fanny pack wearers…I’m not hatin’ on you!).
Now get yourself a cup of coffee so you can get through reading this whole long saga (or soap opera of my life as I call it.)
Back to the serious issue at hand. I’m 32 and I think I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks all my life. At first I thought they started in my twenties but then I can remember Sunday nights as a child where something upset me at school and then I wouldn’t be able to to go to sleep, I couldn’t breathe and would have my mom lie in bed with me until I fell asleep….all because I didn’t want to go to school the next day. Somehow I made it through those nights and got up and went to school and everything was okay but they were still panic attacks.
In high school I don’t recall as many panic/anxiety attacks happening (but, hey, I could be blocking out the memories of them) and college was mostly panic/anxiety attack free as well from what I remember.
Until…I was about to start a new job for the summer before my senior year of college. I still had some classes left but was starting the job while I was finishing up finals. I got up the morning of my first day and went down the hall to the restroom, did what I had to do, and then woke up on the floor of the bathroom. I had fainted without much warning (usually I have a minute of two of warning before I black out!) I didn’t go to work that day. I just couldn’t. I called and told my friend who had gotten me the temp job what had happened and she handled it for me. I went the next day but found a way to go on my own terms…which meant not going in at the crack of dawn and showing up at 10am when I had time to wake up, settle my feelings, and go. Everything worked out fine.
After that I don’t remember that many attacks until I graduated from college and started interviewing for full time jobs. I had to have someone come with me to the interviews sometimes because I was scared to go alone and was worried I wouldn’t feel good and want to faint.
Yes, faint. As in: Pass out, black out…turn white as ghost, blood pressure drops to nothing, ears are ringing like a thousand bells, and then blacking out like a dead girl on the floor…all while making strange breathing noises and with my eyes OPEN and my eyes rolling back in my head. It’s a very pretty sight in deed for those who witness it.
All to wake up to being clamy and sweating and a headache and people staring down over you while you wonder what the heck just happened! The strangest thing is that is that you feel like it’s the best sleep you ever had in your life (but you’ve only been out less than one minute). But waking up is when you freak out because you slowly realize what just happened and your on the floor in your office, the floor of a restaurant bathroom stall, the floor of a work bathroom stall, the hallway on the floor at work, on your bathroom floor, on the floor at the mall, in a dressing room, on the floor of a classroom, the back seat of your car…. should I go on? You get the point. NOTE: all the examples are true. They all happened to me.
And, I haven’t learned my lesson from all of those fainting episodes! When I feel it coming on I need to stop, drop and (but not roll *LOL*) despite the embarrassment I may feel with people around me that are wondering why I’m lying on the ground. I haven’t learned my lesson because I try to run away from where I am if it’s not a comfy place. So far I’ve been lucky that I’ve never gotten badly hurt, smashing my head on the ground or breaking my teeth…but that is only been LUCK, all these years!
After college I felt panic more and more. I did my best to ignore it but sometimes it didn’t work. So, I took the advice of MommaBear and went to see a Psychotherapist. I gave up easily on that. The woman spent so much time trying to dig into my family history and family life that I started to get frustrated. I felt like she wasn’t dealing with the issue at hand: “when I feel nervous sometimes I lose my mind and black out!” She tried to teach me breathing exercises and other techniques (which in the end mean nothing to me when I’m feeling a panic attack coming on and all I can think about in the thoughts swirling around in my head is “where’s a place that I can run away to in case I need to faint.”)
When I say “run away” it’s as in the “fight or flight response” which we learned about in Psychology 101. When I get the feeling of wanting to run away from the situation I’m in always think it’s that “flight” reaction…like “Oh my god! Get me out of here fast! That feeling is coming on!”
Wikipedia says:
Repeated stress responses can be caused not only by real threats, but also by mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, in which the individual shows a stress response when remembering a past trauma, and panic disorder, in which the stress response is activated apparently by nothing.
Apparently nothing are the key words for me there. That’s how it feels to me. It happens for apparently NO REASON.
So, I thought I knew better than the psychotherapist and got it in my head that nothing she could say could help me and I told her it just wasn’t working for me. She suggested that maybe I go see the Psychiatrist in her practice to see if I may need some kind of medicine, so I did. I explained my situation to him for 5 minutes and then he was immediately telling me that I needed medicine/drugs! I was shocked to be honest. How could I have only been talking for 5 minutes and he was already whipping out a prescription pad and sample packs of Zoloft. (Don’t you just love those side effect warnings?)
Pushing meds on me right away without really talking me through it made me SO angry! I asked myself “why isn’t he even talking to me about the issues and trying help me fix it internally???” I felt like he just want to push medicine down my throat and send me on my merry-freaking-anxiety-having way!
Well, I took the medication (BUT ONLY FOR 3 DAYS) because every time I would put in my mouth that’s all I could think about all day. Medicine, I took medicine, how is going to make me feel? Will it work? Will it make me sick? Is it a miracle cure or will it still happen? Should I count on it? All these things swirled around in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about the medicine that was supposed to help me not panic about silly things!
On the 3rd day I took the medicine without eating. BAD MISTAKE! It turned my stomach so bad that I had turn around and go home rather than going to work. I even had to pull over and call my Dad to let him know I felt sick and to make me some toast and I’d be there in a few minutes. I didn’t go to work, felt sick…and decided not to take it anymore. Three days is not enough time to feel any effects of the meds (you need a few weeks) so I didn’t even get to know if they would really help me.
The only thing I liked was that he gave me an RX for something you could take on the spot of you felt like you were going to have panic. I could live with those…although if you are already in a panic – it’s too late since they take a good 20-25 mins to get through your system…and the end result is feeling DOPEY (really fun I’ll tell ya!)
Anything can set it off…but mostly being places that I don’t feel comfortable or having to go somewhere that I don’t want to go to. I will do anything to get out of something that I just don’t feel comfortable with. I will find any excuse in the world!
So, with all the things in my life going on lately I think it’s happening more and more frequently. It’s now so often that it’s happening in places where I actually feel comfortable with the situation I’m in and with the people I’m with. Now that makes NO sense at all!
How am I going to start my life over when all of a sudden this is holding me back now! I can’t life a happy single life, out on the town, with the fear of anxiety holding me back and stopping me dead in my tracks! I just can’t.
I went to visit RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend yesterday and I hadn’t seen her in so long. She’s my good friend and there should be no reason that I would feel anxious to see her but as soon as I approached my destination I decided I better take 1/2 of “calming pill.” We started walking around the shopping center and I still didn’t feel well so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind sitting on a bench with me for a while and I told her why.
We got to talking and she said she’s gone through similar issues of her own and we talked about it for a long time. Once the day was over I decided that I just can’t take it anymore. This “itch on my brain” has taken over my life and my happiness long enough and I just can’t take it anymore!
It’s been effecting me for so long already. I’ve missed many events, wiggled my way out of doing things I didn’t want to (big meetings…business trips…parties…even something like a baseball game) even fun things that I should have gone to but just COULDN’T.
If you don’t have anxiety you will never really understand the “COULDN’T” part. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard “get over it and go! Make yourself!” My response is OH PLEASE! It’s not that easy! I’ve tried so hard to be strong and FIGHT IT by telling myself that I will get through it and I’m not going to LIVE ON MEDICINE!
I have FINALLY come to belief that if there is something “chemically” wrong with you – you really can’t fix that on your own. It’s just not possible unless you get a lobotomy! You’re only masking your pain, and trying to find ways around it happening (by avoidance of things you love) – and you’re not conquering it!
It’s time for me to deal with it and start my new life. Let’s hope and pray that I’m truly ready.
NOTE: Be sure to read the post from June 22nd, for more information on how my anxiety started and how it morphed into what I explained above.
ANXIETY – Black Eyed Peas
I feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody (bitch)
But I ain’t goin’ out bro (no, no, no)
I ain’t givin’ into it (no, no, no)
Anxieties bash my mind in
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden
But I ain’t fallin’ down bro (no, no, no)
I won’t lose control bro (no, no, no)
Shackle and chained
My soul feels stained
I can’t explain got an itch on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My bloods boiling its beatin’ out propane
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I’m in a fast car drivin’ in a fast lane
In the rain and I’m might just hydroplane
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
My head keeps running away my brother
The only thing making me stay my brother
But I won’t give into it bro (no, no, no)
Gotta get myself back now
God, I can’t let my mind be
Tell my enemy is my own
Gots to find my inner wealth
Gots to hold up my thoughts
I can’t get caught (no, no, no)
I can’t give into it now (no, no, no)
Emotions are trapped set on lock
Got my brain stuck goin through the motions
Only I know what’s up
I’m filled up with pain
Tryin’ to gain my sanity
Everywhere I turn its a dead end infront of me
With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety
Got me feelin’ strange paranoia took over me
And its weighin’ me down
And I can’t run any longer, yo
Knees to the ground
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats my
My anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
13 comments
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June 21, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Dcn. Steve
Hi!
I’m sorry that you are so afflicted with anxiety / fear. I am a Catholic deacon and this Sunday is my turn to preach at Mass. In the Gospel Jesus says “So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” I hope that these words will help relieve you of the pain you have suffered with for so long. May God bless + you . . .
deaconsteve
June 21, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Heather
This has happened to me, but only twice-back in high school. I know the feeling, dread ever getting it again. Maybe writing about it will help you some. Sorry for your pain!
June 21, 2008 at 11:03 pm
somebody to shove
Sharing these feelings on here is a healthy start. As a fellow anxiety sufferer you know i truly understand. It sucks…. it’s the worst kind of pain. I think writing about it is a terrific outlet. Know that you aren’t alone. I’m a card carrying member of the anxiety hell club… and as you know I am always here for you!
June 22, 2008 at 10:15 am
lisaq
I am so sorry that you’ve had to live with this so long. I have had the blacking out/fainting thing happen to me a couple of times in my life, but never with the panic attacks. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be to live with. I agree that writing about it may be very helpful. I hope you find some peace.
June 22, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Breathe With Me
Thank you so much for your kind words and sentiments. I really appreciate it. Sometimes it helps to hear that others have experienced the same thing as you or actually understand what you are going through even if they haven’t been in the same exact situation themselves.
I’m hoping I push myself on this. It’s been holding me back and I want that to end….so all I can do is try, right?
June 22, 2008 at 5:04 pm
capricornsoulsister
i wish i could take it away. you of all people deserve nothing but happiness. i love you.
June 23, 2008 at 1:02 am
Ava Mazur
I have been in a similiar spot, allthough I never quite made it to fainting just black out while standing. For me it comes and goes but I just wanted to let you know that medication isn’t a life sentence. Depending on how life is going I can force myself to go to that event or meeting or whatever. But when life was dramatic I simply “Couldn’t” without a little help. You of course have to do what is best for you but no matter what never be afraid to ask for help. Good luck!
June 23, 2008 at 7:15 pm
meleah rebeccah
Yes. Anxiety disorders are a REAL chemical imbalance that that requires taking the proper medication for the rest of your life.
And its not easy.
June 28, 2008 at 12:52 am
someone who has been there
I too was in a similar situation. I finally said enough was enough I can’t live like this anymore so I decided to talk to my doctor. She was just a General Practitioner Dr. no Psychotherapist or Psychiatrist. I was actually so upset about facing the reality of the situation that I started crying in the exam room. And believe me I am not a crier, but I think my soul/mind/whatever had just given up and was begging for help. Well the Dr. sat and talked with me for a good 30/45 minutes about how I had been feeling over the last year or so and she decided to give me a prescription for zoloft. And I was so back and forth about taking it. I didn’t want to be one of those people that needs to be medicated to be happy and get through life, but I finally realized going through life in my current state was no longer an option. The meds DO take some getting use to. There is the gurgly stomach thing – I found taking the pill with dinner really helps. My doctor did state that it takes a few weeks for the meds to truly kick in. I have been on the meds for a little over a month now and I can say say I really do feel better. Calmer, more relaxed, and I have noticed a better ability to handle the little things that use to just set me off with nervousness and worry. I know not everyone is the same and meds,daily life and experiences affect everyone differently. I just thought maybe if I gave you a little of my story it might help you. Give it a try, what do you have to loose. In my case I realized I was only loosing my sadness, irritation, anxiety, and worry – the very things I was so desperately trying to shake. P.S. Good luck, life is hard enough with out having extra troubles.
June 28, 2008 at 1:24 am
Breathe With Me
I feel so blessed that there are people out there (friends and strangers) who take the time out of their day to care enough to comment on what I’ve been going through.
To know that others feel the same way and feel the need to reach out to me and hope that it helps – I wanted to let you know that it does help.
I’m so happy and thankful that I started this blog. Writing it all out has really helped me so much. You can’t imagine how good it feels to get the thoughts out of my head and in writing. And then I look back to see what I wrote later on and I really see the impact of my fears and what they are doing to me starting me right back in the face.
It’s helping me face reality – and your thoughts and comments are helping me face those realities with a positive outlook on how the rest of my life will be once I pick up the phone and make the appointment with a counselor.
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. It means more to me than you know.
Someone who has been there – thank you especially for sharing your experience with me. I really appreciate the details, they really do help!
July 28, 2008 at 9:27 pm
..Ugh
I pass out every couple of days or so. The sleep deprivation causing it has only gotten worse. :/
October 29, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Abdel Wahab Saleh
for more than 2 years now i experience these strange feelings,sometimes i feel like my heart will stop, or i feel like i cant take my breath,i get panic while sleeping sometimes to wakeup and dont know where am i,just to realize in a second or two that i am on my bed..sometimes i feel like there is itch in brain that i need to scrub my head,all this happen for no apparent reason…i even began to suspect that i need medical care, i suspect my heart for failure or anything…and all this make me live in worry ALOT…is that the same you experience or it’s just me?
January 14, 2009 at 9:13 pm
Samantha
Hi Abdel, I feel exactly the same as what you describe sometimes. It is a horrible feeling and really difficult to get rid of. I try and just tell myself that I am being completely irrational and that I am strong. It helps for me to know that others have gone through this too because it makes me feel less freaky and more like I can overcome it, because it is an actual ‘thing’. Does that make sense?