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Well folks…I made it through the entire weekend with no issues! Yay me!
Actually, it was a great weekend. I had so much fun the whole day of the wedding with my friends and never once felt anxious at all. I was so thankful to be able to enjoy the entire day and night without one issue. Since I wasn’t a bridesmaid I was actually able to help the bride all day with everything she and the bridal party needed and I became a spur of the moment wedding coordinator. LOL.
I’ve been in a million weddings attended so many others, and of course I planned my own by myself. So, I was happy to help her through the day. My ankle is suffering from it today but it was worth it.
On another note…and I’m sure you’re all waiting to hear about this… 
I heard back from GI GUY. Yes, folks, he replied yesterday afternoon to my LONG LONG LONG email from Friday.
I was on the phone with Always Knew We’d Be Friends when I got the email from him and I started crying as I read it. I was so overtired from the wedding weekend, had no sleep for a week and I was delirious and emotional. I don’t know why but it made me cry.
He said all the “right” things…but at this point I decided that I need to take the reply for what it’s worth to me. It was an “apology” and statements of how he feels so terrible and cares so much for me…and he doesn’t want me to let him go while he’s away, and how he’d never take advantage of me or use me, etc which is great and so “nice” to hear. But, it’s an apology that I promoted after pouring out all of my feelings to him. If I didn’t write to him I wonder when I would have heard from him??
I said everything I would have said to him if I had seen him during his last week before deployment (like I was supposed to). I told him how he made me feel so good and then so bad at the same time. How I felt like crap when he couldn’t come over and how not saying goodbye was horrible.
He said he texted me before he left and he doesn’t know why I didn’t get it. I didn’t get a thing from him and I don’t think I believe he texted me. How conincidental that it’d be one text EVER that didn’t go through to me from him in 6 weeks. I told him I never got it and I had the phone with me all night. I said he should have called (even it was 5am) because texting is no way to say goodbye…and I wanted to speak to him before he left.
When I replied back to him I didn’t let him off the hook. I reiterated a couple things, again, because I think he needs to hear how he made me feel. I wanted him to understand that It was supposed to be a fun 6 weeks before he left and I didn’t need a roller coaster of emotions after what I had just been through with the loss of my marriage. I mentioned that he knows how I feel now and I won’t rehash all of this drama over and over.
So, now he is aware of how my heart was broken, and how I fell for him a little too much when it wasn’t supposed to be that serious. Not falling for him was hard for me beacause he wasn’t some stranger off the street. He was a GOOD FRIEND first and then all this happened. I couldn’t help but care too much for someone who had always been special to me and became even more special to me.
I’m not a silly girl, I know that he’s gone for a long time so I won’t be sitting here pining away for him as if he’s going to be able to come over my house tomorrow. I know he’s gone for way too long and I have to let him go in “that kind of way” because I need to move on with my life. He’s not sitting here asking me to be “his girl.”
I’ll chalk it up to being the best and worst little romance I’ve ever had. I know that he isn’t the right guy for me for the long term to begin with, so, there’d be no reason to sit here waiting as if something will happen between us in 2009! I don’t have the rest of my life to sit around waiting for him. It was supposed to be a fun 6 week fling until he left.
As of right now I haven’t met anyone else (which is fine) but I am lonely. If GI GUY wants to give me attention while he’s away…wants to make me feel good with sweet words, letters, emails, texts…then fine…go right ahead…be my guest!! Who doesn’t like to think that someone is pining over them (even if he might not really be)? It’s not going to hurt because I’m not sitting here being played. I’m too smart for that.
At this point he’s the one that needs my attention, doesn’t want me to let him go or walk away from him. He wants to hear from me and said he’d communicate with me as much as possible. He feels the loneliness that I did when he couldn’t come over (like he promised) or barely called or texted the last week or so. I’ll give him attention if I get attention from him in return and it will feed my loneliness…it’s that simple.
I’m sympathetic to his situation, where he is, the danger his life will be in, and a brave hero he is BUT I still have feelings and emotions and I did (and still do) deserve his utmost respect despite what he was/is going through.
I feel so blessed that there are people out there (friends and strangers) who take the time out of their day to care enough to comment on what I’ve been going through.
To know that others feel the same way and feel the need to reach out to me and hope that it helps – I wanted to let you know that it does help.
I’m so happy and thankful that I started this blog. Writing it all out has really helped me so much. You can’t imagine how good it feels to get the thoughts out of my head and in writing. And then I look back to see what I wrote later on and I really see the impact of my fears and what they are doing to me starting me right back in the face.
It’s helping me face reality – and your thoughts and comments are helping me face those realities with a positive outlook on how the rest of my life will be once I pick up the phone and make the appointment with a counselor.
Thank you so much to everyone who has commented. It means more to me than you know.
On another note. As a follow up to last night’s I’m So Scared post:
I was in bad shape all day. I felt terrible at work, I ended up leaving work early, came home, had a not so great nap, took a really long shower just letting the hot water hit me in the face for quite a while, ate something so that I wouldn’t feel sick from hunger, took a 1/4 of a “calming pill,” got dressed and went. As I was driving I actually started to feel GOOD about going and happy to see everyone and do this for my friend.
I made it to the rehearsal dinner and although I was a bit nervous when I got there (and had to take another 1/4 of a “calming pill”) I was okay and actually had a really nice night.
I was so happy that I didn’t let myself cancel out at the last minute and ruin it for the bride and groom. I was honored that they even gave me a little thank you gift for doing the photography for them of their night. Imagine I didn’t dhow? They’d be so disappointed and I’d never forgive myself for letting anxiety rule my life.
So I made it there, got over the nervousness and the desire to run to the restroom and faint away…
All of this made me feel so much better about the wedding tomorrow. As long as I don’t get hurt (which makes it hard to avoid fainting) I think I will be okay and have a really good time with my friends and doing the candid photography for my friend’s special day. I’m actually going to stay over after the wedding…something I don’t normally find myself doing…normally I want to go home right after.
So, my bags are packed and I’m ready to go! Wish me good luck!
I’ll update you all on Sunday!
One more PS: Today I finally wrote GI GUY an email. I’m not sure when he will be able to check it and if he’ll reply but I decided it was time to tell him how I felt about him leaving me without a proper goodbye. It was a pretty long e-mail so I hope he reads it all and replies with some kind of explanation as to what happened at the very end of our little “thing we had going.” If you all knew the entire story of the past 6 weeks with GI GUY you’d say screw him but I can’t just let it go like that. That’s not me. We were friends for 12 years. I need a dialog with him about what happened, how I felt, and why he behaved the way he did.
I’m not sure what his internet capabilities are, where he is right now, but I’ll keep you all posted on what he has to say for himself.
If he doesn’t respond…I’ll be crushed. But, we’ll see. It could be a while and I’ll have to be patient with this one.
Well, you all know that I have anxiety. I’ve explained what triggers it and why.
One of the things I mentioned in a previous post that sets off panic for me was pain. Actually, pain is where it all started. If it weren’t for the fainting from pain issue that I’ve had since I was a baby — maybe it wouldn’t have morphed itself into “regular anxiety” and panic attacks…but it did.
My very good friend from college is getting married this weekend. Sometimes weddings can be fun when you know everyone there and you’re excited to spend time with them. Good food, open bar, dancing, mingling and cute little favors…sometimes those things can be fun.
Well this time I am already feeling like it won’t be fun for me (yes, I’m ALREADY psyching myself out).
I’ll explain why…
1) I’m recently single and I don’t have someone like GI GUY around to take as a date. So, YAY, I get to go alone…all because I think it’s rude to ask to bring a random friend when your friend is paying 150.00 a plate for the reception. I’m too nice to even ask if she’d mind. I just wouldn’t do it! I’ll go alone and hang out with all of my married friends. Woo Hoo!
This isn’t SUCH a big deal for me because I’m not the type of girl who minds doing things alone. Normally I wouldn’t give a darn about this issue if it wasn’t for #2 below.
2) I sprained my ankle last Friday.…a NIGHTMARE for me! It had such a bad trickle down after effect. One was not seeing GI GUY before he was leaving for deployed (for over a year) because I was too scared that if I went out to the bar the night before he left – that my ankle would hurt, I wouldn’t feel “good,” have panic, and then faint in a bar! So, I missed saying goodbye in person and you all know what happened after that…there wasn’t a proper goodbye from his end!
So, now, because of that pain anxiety, I’m fearful and scared that when I’m at this wedding I won’t feel “good,” have panic, and then faint at a wedding!
It’s not just the wedding that I have to worry about….
I will work all day tomorrow, leave early, come home, get dressed for her rehearsal dinner (which I will be dong the photography of for her), and leaving immediately to get there (an hour away). I’ll be on my feet for a while at the dinner.
Then I will drive an hour home dead tired to get ready for an early day Saturday. I have to prethink of everything I need for the weekend. I have to get my photography gear together, pack clothes to stay over at the hotel after the wedding, get my wedding outfit ready with everything I need for that because….I’m photographing the bridesmaids bright and early at 9AM about 35 mins from my house, going to the bride’s mom’s house to do photos of them getting ready, get ready myself, and then follow them to the ceremony, follow them when the do photography at the beach in between the ceremony and reception, and then attend the reception. LONG DAY and a lot of time on my bum foot/ankle.
By the time I get to the reception I’m so scared that I will be in pain and NOT FEEL GOOD! So this is why I sit here at midnight panicking. I will panic all day at work tomorrow, all the way home from work, all the way to the rehearsal dinner. I will feel extreme panic when I first get there and hopefully the feelings will subside without me having to take a “calming pill” that makes me feel all dopey.
Today was hard enough on my foot. I had to run to the mall and find a dress all within an hour or so. The mall had the main escalators closed so every time I had to go up or down a floor I had to walk SO FAR! So by the time I got home tonight and tried everything on my ankle is now throbbing a bit. It better be feeling better tomorrow!
These thoughts (before something even happens) are what drive me nuts. They are the thoughts that drive others to become recluses and never leave their home. I won’t let these thoughts take over my life. I just won’t!
I made a step in the right direction after I wrote the last blog post on anxiety. You’ll all be very proud of me. I called my former marriage counselor and asked him for a referral to a woman therapist who specializes in helping with anxiety sufferers. He gave me 2 telephone numbers to call. I haven’t called them yet but I will. It will just take me a little time to pick up the phone and call to make an actual appointment, but I will. Calling him and getting the numbers was a big step for me…in the right direction.
So I sit here in fear. I’m scared. I can’t have this happen at my friend’s wedding. Especially since this is the friend that I already had a panic attack at her bachelorette party 2 weeks ago – which involved fainting in the ladies room at a restaurant…ambulance being called…not going out with them after dinner…going home early (and I certainly didn’t need an ambulance…but I won’t get into that right now…that’s a whole other rant about how people don’t understand anxiety and panic and you hear things like are you epileptic, do you have diabetes? NO! I have anxiety!)
I can’t feel this way tomorrow and Saturday.
I cannot allow this.
I just can’t.
I won’t.
NO!
After reading Momma Mia Mea Culpa’s latest blog post regarding change and the dislike for change I realized how much I loathe change, fear change, hide from change.
I’ve never EVER liked change. Not as a child and certainly not as an adult. I never thought I would be so fearful of change but I am. I don’t know how to handle it the scary notion of something new and unknown.
I’ve been at the same job for almost 7 years in the same exact department. I have no plans of leaving. In all the years I’ve been at the job I’ve never looked at other job postings that were available. I have no interest. I’m fine with where I am and what I’m doing and I’m…..FAMILIAR, WELL-VERSED AT MY JOB, AND COMFORTABLE.
Oh…comfortable…that feeling gets you us in soooooo much trouble! It certainly holds us back from taking risks…
I’m not one to bounce from job to job…constantly starting over. I’m not a serial dater…all of the relationships in my adult life have been very long term. I was very committed to being married…even if I look back now and see that I wasn’t 100% happy in the relationship.
I’m a creature of habit and I’m pretty predictable most times. I eat the same favorite meals and only recently started trying new things. I really don’t take risks. I could name so many things that I do that are “safe.” I like to play it safe.
When I took a risk recently I ended up regretting it and I don’t want to live a life of regret. Maybe that’s why I’m a creature of habit and “risk fearful.” Experience has proven that some of the risks I put myself out there for were mistakes.
It may be a while before I look before I leap again…but we’ll see how it goes.
I dont feel the suns comin out today
Its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I dont
Think Ill ever see the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and say, and theyll say,
Hey look at him! Ill never live that way.
But thats okay
Theyre just afraid to change.
When you feel your life aint worth living
Youve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin its time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways well play.
But I know we all cant stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then theyll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and theyll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.
Lately all I can do is ponder the meaning of life.
Oh, I know you’re probably saying “whoa, now that’s a very broad thing to ponder” but I’m seriously asking this question to myself daily.
I think this comes up in my head every time I have a string of bad things happening to me in a row. I ask why we exist on this planet (no too small) in this universe (I don’t know what is bigger than the universe or I’d have named that as well!).
I can’t figure out why we were created as human beings. Once you are born you are in motion for the rest of your life. You HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL because otherwise you can get a job and YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK because otherwise you won’t have money to pay for YOUR HOME and if you didn’t have that you’d be out on the street. If I felt like doing NOTHING, right now, my life would come crumbling down around me. You are stuck in perpetual motion. I can choose to stop “doing” but life would be WORSE off and I’d really be questioning the meaning of life as I struggled.
I don’t feel like I’m getting a lot of joy out of life right now and I’m sure it’s just a phase, hence the life “pondering” I’m doing right now. I’m 32 years old…I should be carefree living my life with a JOY in my heart. But the joy isn’t there at the moment. I need to find where I left it…has anyone seen it?? Maybe I should hang a few “MISSING: HAVE YOU SEEN xxx’S JOY?” posters to see if anyone will turn in my JOY.
I keep wondering why we have to work so hard to be happy. Happiness shouldn’t be so difficult. I know we have to make our own happiness but for now I can’t help but think that I’ve been trying so hard lately but it’s NOT WORKING! Life keeps throwing so many LEMONS at me lately that I will be able to bottle my own lemonade soon!
I’ve really been trying so hard to do things to make a new life for myself. Spending a lot of time with my friends, making new friends, reconnecting with old friends (who I didn’t get to see or talk to very much when I was married), and working on my side business (which happens to be my hobby). I’m trying new things that I never tried before and putting myself out there.
I’m trying to “GET A LIFE” (as they say) and find things to make me happy with myself and my situation. I’ve spent 10 years trying to make someone else happy – now it’s my turn!
I know I will keep going to the same job everyday (that doesn’t *spark* my passion but pays so well)…I will keep paying my bills…I will keep cleaning my house (so that it will sell)…I will find a new place to live (even though I don’t want to)…I will be divorced officially (even though I didn’t choose to)…one day I’ll start dating….and I will keep waking up everyday (because that’s just what we have to do). We keep on trucking because we HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE but to keep on moving (until we run out of gas of course).
Sometimes when I let myself think about the topic of why we exist I just get so overwhelmed that I need to stop and table the whole thing because it’s just too much to grasp my arms around…too big of a topic. So much to try to understand.
I think I might have gone off the deep end here and hope I didn’t lose some of you along the way…
I’m sure NO ONE knows the true meaning of life but I keep questioning it anyway hoping to the find the answers. I believe it’s something we all have to figure out ourselves…
While I was brushing my teeth today and I suddenly realized something….
I’ve NEVER been alone.
I’m not talking about being alone in my house, alone in my car, shopping alone…but ALONE without a relationship.
I’m sure there were where many periods throughout high school where I wasn’t dating someone or had a boyfriend and there was a couple months before college, one month into college, and a few months after college where I didn’t have a boyfriend —-but since the 8th grade I’ve always had SOMEONE…I’ve always been “attached.”
I never pondered this before today. It never came into my mind. I guess I never really worried about it until now. Now it’s in my head and I need to sort it out.
When you’re in school, if you didn’t have a boyfriend, it didn’t really matter so much. For me, it might have been better to not have had a serious boyfriend (almost) the whole time I was in college. It was easy back in high school or college. Your days were filled with friends and lots of things to do. There was always a new guy that you never noticed before that you could strike up a love interest with or date.
Now in my 30’s I’m desperately wondering where are the crowds of men are to choose from? Ummmm…I think they exist very sparingly. It seems they are married, engaged, or have a girlfriend that they are serious with.
And then for those guys who are still single…sometimes I find my single self wondering why they are still single?? I know…it seems too-faced to think that when I’m 32 and single but I’m single for a specific reason: my husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. I didn’t choose it – he did. So when I see a guy in his 30s who was NEVER married I keep asking Why is he still single? What’s wrong with him? I can’t help it. That’s what I think.
My worry is I feel like I have to scrutinize everyone now. I spent 10 years with someone that I thought I would spend my entire life with and look how that ended up. I feel like I have to be very careful about my decisions in the future and how I will handle meeting someone new.
I’m not going to scrutinize everyone I’m not that crazy…I know it’s okay to date all kinds of people just to get out there and see what it’s like. But I think I will be hard on guys that seem like they have really good potential for the longer term. The reason why I feel this way is that I am petrified to enter into something for the long term that will end up where I am now.
I never thought I would be divorced. I never thought I would be single at 32. I thought I’d be married with a family by now. I never want this to happen to me again, ever. But we’re not fortune tellers so how do we know we’re making the right decisions on who we let into our lives for the long term?
These are all the questions I have as a girl who never worried about being single and dating before. I don’t know how to find the answers to these questions and I’m not sure I’ll ever find away to figure it all out. Sometimes I guess the answers have to come to us…we can’t seek them out.
I’m not into online dating so I just wonder where I’m going to stumble upon eligible bachelors…I guess it will just happen when it’s meant to. I have to believe in that. I know that connecting with an old friend who I’ve know for years didn’t work either so scratch that one off the list for now.
Please don’t get me wrong…I know it’s OK to be single. The idea of me never being single for a long period in my life is very foreign to me. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle the whole thing. The positive thing that I have going is that I’m not the only single person amongst my friends. Having that support system to ponder these things with and bounce these things off of is a life saver for me.
He left without saying goodbye…
The day I had been dreading…is here. But it didn’t turn out how imagined it.
Today is the day he “ships off” (well…flys off, in his case, no ships for him). I was supposed to see him for the last time…last night…at a reunion event for our college but because of unfortunate circumstances (sprained foot) I just couldn’t go.
Can you believe it? All I wanted to do was go to see him one last night. I thought about it for weeks and now I cannot believe I was too ANXIOUS and worried that if my foot hurt while I was out that I wouldn’t feel good…and then you all know what that does to me —faint-o-rama!! And we can’t have that happen again…not there…not with him…not on his last night out with friends before he leaves for the “sandbox” (as he calls it).
Can you believe my luck, though? I think I’m going to say that over and over again until I lose my mind. I can’t believe my luck! I struggled with it in my head all night long…should I just get in the car and tough it out? Would I be okay? Do you see how anxiety holds me back at the wrong time?
Thank god I was hanging with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre all night because they soooo kept my mind and occupied and glass full!
NOTE: I guess I never explained in my anxiety post yesterday that “passing out or fainting” all started when I was extremely young. As a child (and still as an adult) I fainted/passed out from my own blood or pain. It’s called vasovagal syncope:
People with vasovagal syncope typically have recurrent episodes, usually when exposed to a specific trigger. The initial episode often occurs when the person is a teenager, then recurs in clusters throughout his or her life. Prior to losing consciousness, the individual frequently experiences a prodrome of symptoms such as lightheadedness, nausea, sweating, ringing in the ears, uncomfortable feeling in the heart, weakness and visual disturbances. These last for at least a few seconds before consciousness is lost, which typically happens when the person is sitting up or standing. When they pass out, they fall down; and when in this position, effective blood flow to the brain is immediately restored, allowing the person to wake up.
The autonomic nervous system’s physiologic state (see below) leading to loss of consciousness may persist for several minutes, so:
- if the person tries to sit or stand when they wake up, they may pass out again; and
- the person may be nauseated, pale, and sweaty for several minutes.
I could sort of deal with that issue as an adult but when I got older the passing out/fainting from blood or pain morphed into fainting from panicking about something or being nervous about something (when pain wasn’t even the cause). Since I’d rather not get more into the anxiety/blood/pain/fainting discussion again — this paragraph gives you a little more understanding into where all of this started (I should have explained it a bit more in my previous post) but you need to know why the sprained foot kept me from going last night.
With that being said…after I sprained my foot Friday when I met RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend for lunch (that’s a whole tale on it’s own!) I was so devastated it happened to me because all I could think about was the reunion and being able to see GI GUY one last time! I had a huge decision to make and today I sit here regretting my choice BIG TIME! I didn’t GO! What is wrong with me? It’s the last time I would be able to see him before he goes away for approximately a year and 3 months to war?? I’m so beside myself right now!
The reason I SHOULDN’T BE BESIDE MYSELF right now is that he really didn’t make it clear that he really wanted to see me there and he wasn’t BESIDE HIMSELF that he couldn’t. I didn’t hear from him all day and I finally texted him asked why he was ignoring me so much throughout the past week..I wanted to know if he was mad at me or if I didn’t something wrong since we last saw each other and had a great night. He finally texted me back at 10pm and said…no he wasn’t mad, just crazy busy and he mentioned that no one showed up for the reunion! Oh how that made me more upset!
No one showing up would have been a great thing for me because his attention wouldn’t have been in a hundred different places. We could have hung out the whole time. I didn’t go though! But, like I said he wasn’t making it clear how much he wished I had gone. I was the one saying I can’t believe I’m not going to see you…and meet me somewhere…and aren’t you upset that you won’t see me one more time, etc? He just responded that yes he wanted to see me…nothing else… after a while he completely stopped responding to my texts altogether…
Then my friend ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre helped me craft a simple text late in the night where I talked about meeting him somewhere..and if he couldn’t he should at least call or text me before he leaves the base for his DEPLOYMENT but I never heard anything else from him! NOTHING! NADA! ZILCH! ZIP!
If he’s leaving the base on plane, TODAY, did he leave already? Without calling or writing? It’s so late in the day…I’m sure they left already…although I don’t know… Oh, I’m just torturing myself here at my desk as I write this! Okay…I give in…text just sent “Did you leave?” The phone says the message was delivered…so that means he is either still here with his phone ON or he arrived at the base (where they will be at for a few months) and turned his phone back on. He could be BUSY (as usual) but I deserve an answer.
Well, ladies and gents…we’re back to the way girls torture themselves over guys’ behaviors. I guess the past 6 weeks or so didn’t mean the same thing to him that it did to me…and all the years of our friendship must not have been meaningful at all as well. Sometimes it makes me feel like a used dirty tissue. My friends warned me but I didn’t want to listen. Hell, I warned my damn self that if I got involved with my LONG TIME friend that this MAY happen but I still couldn’t help it. I got in too deep but I wanted to (and that’s the difference).
The only thing that sort of helps is the agreement that my friends and I all have on the subject… SingleChildhoodFriend, RecentlyDivorcedFriend, CapricornSoulSister, and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre will all tell you that he sooooo served a purpose for me! A huge purpose! He took my mind off of what was happening to me, stopped my nightly cries in my bed, and turned the switch back on for me. He made me realize that I could care about someone else, love someone else, feel butterflies again…that I was desirable, loveable, and that I was still able to take cloud 9 for a spin (after being with someone else for so long, married, and soon to be divorced at 32). Even if I never ever talked to him again in my entire life (which I don’t see happening) I will always be thankful for the purpose that he served in my life to lift me out of a drowning pool of misery.
I almost almost positive that I will eventually hear from him…I don’t think he’d be able to drop me like this so easily…especially when he is away, alone for all this time in a war zone. It’s seems strange to say that when he reaches his deployment destination he will finally have some time to “think.” But it’s true. He’s been so crazy the last 6 weeks that I just added to the drama of his life and having to leave his friends and family. You have to put your real life on hold and focus on the task at hand and I’m sure I was a big distraction craving his constant attention and I don’t think he could handle it! So that’s why I say that I think I WILL hear from him. And you all will be the first to know!
Quote of the day from SingleCityGirl”B” about the situation: “Just put him in the oven for a while…I’m sure he’ll come out good at some point!”
All I have to say is thank god for CapricornSoulSister, SingleChildhoodFriend, ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre, IndianaGalPal, AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends, SingleCityGirl”B”, Oscar, and CITYGUY. You won’t believe how much they all have listened to me rant on and on about this guy and the roller coaster he has put me on for 6 weeks! Oh, thank you all for not strangling me over this soap opera! Some of the torture is over but I still there is more drama to come that I will need you for (so buckle up).
I’m aware that this entire post may have jumped around, may not have fully explained the tale of GI GUY and my not have been totally coherent but it just flowed out of my fingers exactly as I typed it here. Hopefully it’s not too convoluted; I wanted to get some of these feelings off my chest. The main point is I think he left without saying goodbye to me and I can’t get over not going there last night to see him. I just can’t….my heart is in pieces…two times in a row…
Louder, louder
The voices in my head
Whispers taunting
All the things you said
Faster the days go by and I’m still
Stuck in this moment of wanting you here
Time
In the blink of an eye
You held my hand, you held me tight
Now you’re gone
And I’m still crying
Shocked, broken
I’m dying inside
Where are you?
I need you
Don’t leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can’t survive unless I know you’re with me
Shadows linger
Only to my eye
I see you, I feel you
Don’t leave my side
It’s not fair
Just when I found my world
They took you…
(excerpt from Haunted…Kelly Clarkson)
I have anxiety.
Yes, I do. I carry it around with me everyday like a 10,000 pound fanny that you can’t take off (who’d want to wear a 10,000 pound fanny pack anyway? (No offense to any fanny pack wearers…I’m not hatin’ on you!).
Now get yourself a cup of coffee so you can get through reading this whole long saga (or soap opera of my life as I call it.)
Back to the serious issue at hand. I’m 32 and I think I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks all my life. At first I thought they started in my twenties but then I can remember Sunday nights as a child where something upset me at school and then I wouldn’t be able to to go to sleep, I couldn’t breathe and would have my mom lie in bed with me until I fell asleep….all because I didn’t want to go to school the next day. Somehow I made it through those nights and got up and went to school and everything was okay but they were still panic attacks.
In high school I don’t recall as many panic/anxiety attacks happening (but, hey, I could be blocking out the memories of them) and college was mostly panic/anxiety attack free as well from what I remember.
Until…I was about to start a new job for the summer before my senior year of college. I still had some classes left but was starting the job while I was finishing up finals. I got up the morning of my first day and went down the hall to the restroom, did what I had to do, and then woke up on the floor of the bathroom. I had fainted without much warning (usually I have a minute of two of warning before I black out!) I didn’t go to work that day. I just couldn’t. I called and told my friend who had gotten me the temp job what had happened and she handled it for me. I went the next day but found a way to go on my own terms…which meant not going in at the crack of dawn and showing up at 10am when I had time to wake up, settle my feelings, and go. Everything worked out fine.
After that I don’t remember that many attacks until I graduated from college and started interviewing for full time jobs. I had to have someone come with me to the interviews sometimes because I was scared to go alone and was worried I wouldn’t feel good and want to faint.
Yes, faint. As in: Pass out, black out…turn white as ghost, blood pressure drops to nothing, ears are ringing like a thousand bells, and then blacking out like a dead girl on the floor…all while making strange breathing noises and with my eyes OPEN and my eyes rolling back in my head. It’s a very pretty sight in deed for those who witness it.
All to wake up to being clamy and sweating and a headache and people staring down over you while you wonder what the heck just happened! The strangest thing is that is that you feel like it’s the best sleep you ever had in your life (but you’ve only been out less than one minute). But waking up is when you freak out because you slowly realize what just happened and your on the floor in your office, the floor of a restaurant bathroom stall, the floor of a work bathroom stall, the hallway on the floor at work, on your bathroom floor, on the floor at the mall, in a dressing room, on the floor of a classroom, the back seat of your car…. should I go on? You get the point. NOTE: all the examples are true. They all happened to me.
And, I haven’t learned my lesson from all of those fainting episodes! When I feel it coming on I need to stop, drop and (but not roll *LOL*) despite the embarrassment I may feel with people around me that are wondering why I’m lying on the ground. I haven’t learned my lesson because I try to run away from where I am if it’s not a comfy place. So far I’ve been lucky that I’ve never gotten badly hurt, smashing my head on the ground or breaking my teeth…but that is only been LUCK, all these years!
After college I felt panic more and more. I did my best to ignore it but sometimes it didn’t work. So, I took the advice of MommaBear and went to see a Psychotherapist. I gave up easily on that. The woman spent so much time trying to dig into my family history and family life that I started to get frustrated. I felt like she wasn’t dealing with the issue at hand: “when I feel nervous sometimes I lose my mind and black out!” She tried to teach me breathing exercises and other techniques (which in the end mean nothing to me when I’m feeling a panic attack coming on and all I can think about in the thoughts swirling around in my head is “where’s a place that I can run away to in case I need to faint.”)
When I say “run away” it’s as in the “fight or flight response” which we learned about in Psychology 101. When I get the feeling of wanting to run away from the situation I’m in always think it’s that “flight” reaction…like “Oh my god! Get me out of here fast! That feeling is coming on!”
Wikipedia says:
Repeated stress responses can be caused not only by real threats, but also by mental disorders such as post-traumatic stress disorder, in which the individual shows a stress response when remembering a past trauma, and panic disorder, in which the stress response is activated apparently by nothing.
Apparently nothing are the key words for me there. That’s how it feels to me. It happens for apparently NO REASON.
So, I thought I knew better than the psychotherapist and got it in my head that nothing she could say could help me and I told her it just wasn’t working for me. She suggested that maybe I go see the Psychiatrist in her practice to see if I may need some kind of medicine, so I did. I explained my situation to him for 5 minutes and then he was immediately telling me that I needed medicine/drugs! I was shocked to be honest. How could I have only been talking for 5 minutes and he was already whipping out a prescription pad and sample packs of Zoloft. (Don’t you just love those side effect warnings?)
Pushing meds on me right away without really talking me through it made me SO angry! I asked myself “why isn’t he even talking to me about the issues and trying help me fix it internally???” I felt like he just want to push medicine down my throat and send me on my merry-freaking-anxiety-having way!
Well, I took the medication (BUT ONLY FOR 3 DAYS) because every time I would put in my mouth that’s all I could think about all day. Medicine, I took medicine, how is going to make me feel? Will it work? Will it make me sick? Is it a miracle cure or will it still happen? Should I count on it? All these things swirled around in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about the medicine that was supposed to help me not panic about silly things!
On the 3rd day I took the medicine without eating. BAD MISTAKE! It turned my stomach so bad that I had turn around and go home rather than going to work. I even had to pull over and call my Dad to let him know I felt sick and to make me some toast and I’d be there in a few minutes. I didn’t go to work, felt sick…and decided not to take it anymore. Three days is not enough time to feel any effects of the meds (you need a few weeks) so I didn’t even get to know if they would really help me.
The only thing I liked was that he gave me an RX for something you could take on the spot of you felt like you were going to have panic. I could live with those…although if you are already in a panic – it’s too late since they take a good 20-25 mins to get through your system…and the end result is feeling DOPEY (really fun I’ll tell ya!)
Anything can set it off…but mostly being places that I don’t feel comfortable or having to go somewhere that I don’t want to go to. I will do anything to get out of something that I just don’t feel comfortable with. I will find any excuse in the world!
So, with all the things in my life going on lately I think it’s happening more and more frequently. It’s now so often that it’s happening in places where I actually feel comfortable with the situation I’m in and with the people I’m with. Now that makes NO sense at all!
How am I going to start my life over when all of a sudden this is holding me back now! I can’t life a happy single life, out on the town, with the fear of anxiety holding me back and stopping me dead in my tracks! I just can’t.
I went to visit RecentlyDivorcedCollegeFriend yesterday and I hadn’t seen her in so long. She’s my good friend and there should be no reason that I would feel anxious to see her but as soon as I approached my destination I decided I better take 1/2 of “calming pill.” We started walking around the shopping center and I still didn’t feel well so I asked her if she wouldn’t mind sitting on a bench with me for a while and I told her why.
We got to talking and she said she’s gone through similar issues of her own and we talked about it for a long time. Once the day was over I decided that I just can’t take it anymore. This “itch on my brain” has taken over my life and my happiness long enough and I just can’t take it anymore!
It’s been effecting me for so long already. I’ve missed many events, wiggled my way out of doing things I didn’t want to (big meetings…business trips…parties…even something like a baseball game) even fun things that I should have gone to but just COULDN’T.
If you don’t have anxiety you will never really understand the “COULDN’T” part. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard “get over it and go! Make yourself!” My response is OH PLEASE! It’s not that easy! I’ve tried so hard to be strong and FIGHT IT by telling myself that I will get through it and I’m not going to LIVE ON MEDICINE!
I have FINALLY come to belief that if there is something “chemically” wrong with you – you really can’t fix that on your own. It’s just not possible unless you get a lobotomy! You’re only masking your pain, and trying to find ways around it happening (by avoidance of things you love) – and you’re not conquering it!
It’s time for me to deal with it and start my new life. Let’s hope and pray that I’m truly ready.
NOTE: Be sure to read the post from June 22nd, for more information on how my anxiety started and how it morphed into what I explained above.
ANXIETY – Black Eyed Peas
I feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody (bitch)
But I ain’t goin’ out bro (no, no, no)
I ain’t givin’ into it (no, no, no)
Anxieties bash my mind in
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden
But I ain’t fallin’ down bro (no, no, no)
I won’t lose control bro (no, no, no)
Shackle and chained
My soul feels stained
I can’t explain got an itch on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My bloods boiling its beatin’ out propane
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I’m in a fast car drivin’ in a fast lane
In the rain and I’m might just hydroplane
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
My head keeps running away my brother
The only thing making me stay my brother
But I won’t give into it bro (no, no, no)
Gotta get myself back now
God, I can’t let my mind be
Tell my enemy is my own
Gots to find my inner wealth
Gots to hold up my thoughts
I can’t get caught (no, no, no)
I can’t give into it now (no, no, no)
Emotions are trapped set on lock
Got my brain stuck goin through the motions
Only I know what’s up
I’m filled up with pain
Tryin’ to gain my sanity
Everywhere I turn its a dead end infront of me
With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety
Got me feelin’ strange paranoia took over me
And its weighin’ me down
And I can’t run any longer, yo
Knees to the ground
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats my
My anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzis
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
Ok…so I started off the new blog in a bit of a funk. Hope I didn’t scare you all away with my “jaded” girl talk!
But funks don’t last forever…we all slip in and out of them during our lives and to be realistic — I don’t think that anyone can be truly happy every day of their life!
I’m well aware that I am riding life’s roller coaster so things will go up and down. Yesterday and today finally were on a upward incline.
Now, I’m not saying that things are great. There are still issues with GI-GUY but I’m just ignoring those issues because they will soon be going away and will be on my control. Now, I know you don’t know the background of GI-GUY but I’m sure at some point I will get into it. GI-GUY doesn’t realize the mistakes he made and that he could have simply avoided the pain he caused me with just a little bit more attention thrown in my direction. For now we’ll just chalk up his bad behavior to the fact that he MUST BE clueless! I’m sure there will be more on the drama with him later (there always is)!
Back to the upward incline…
Ok, this may sound cheesy but yesterday the upward incline started when I was walking in the parking lot at work and there was a dollar lying on the ground staring me right in the face. Who doesn’t love found money? It’s a dollar I didn’t have before and now I do. It made me smile.
Then my cell phone rings…and it’s my car dealer calling to make amends with that fact that he dealt me a bit of a raw deal when I leased my new car and turned in my old one. I went in to see him in person about the situation and he just played dumb…so I left in a huff and decided to write a nice long letter to complain (once I calmed down). He called to tell me that he received the letter and was sending me a check for the last payment on the old lease that the car company was trying to make me pay. WOW! I was in shock. He was doing all of this and I didn’t have to scream, cry, or run around the dealership jumping on the hoods of cars while yelling profanities?? What was the world coming to that I didn’t have to freak out to get my way? *LOL*
Maybe that part that won him over and made him do the right thing was the section of my letter that said:
This is my THIRD car with XXXX Dealership and my 3rd car bought directly from YOU. I referred a friend and was sending my mother in to purchase an XXXX from you. I would think that when I came into the dealership, distraught, with that letter/bill, leaving upset and in tears, that you would have reached out to me and tried to do something to rectify this situation. I guess I thought wrong and loyalty really means NOTHING in this day and age we live in.
Ahahahah…did I tell you I’m dramatic? Yes, it’s true. The cat is out of the bag. I’m dramatic sometimes…especially when I write a complaint letter!
Then today…without telling you a long boring story…I had one more thing that had to “pass” for me and it did! So, a found dollar and now have two less (HUGE) worries! Yesterday and today were/are good days.
On top of that I’m meeting SingleChildhoodGirlFriend for dinner and a drink tonight so that makes me happy! Just to get out of the house, have good conversation with a friend, over yummy “eats” with a nice drink sounds great to me. Keepin’ busy keeps me sane!
Then tomorrow it’s off to meet RecentlyDivorcedCollegeGirlfriend for lunch on my day off from work! YAY, I can’t wait! I haven’t seen her in SO LONG and we have so much to talk about since we are going through the exact some situations.
It will be interesting to hear what she has experienced in comparison to me and my situation. I’m shocked beyond belief that so many people my age are getting divorced in under 5 years of marriage. It just doesn’t make sense to me… She is one of 4 couples (including me) that I’m close with that have gotten divorced in under a few years of marriage and part of the leagues of people that I know that are VERY unhappy in their marriages. I guess society has made divorce too easy of an option for people to choose.
I’m not sure about marriage anymore…I don’t know what to think? I guess only time will tell!
After skimming through the The Date Girl Diaries blog that I found on www.blogcatalog.com I found the entry called “Refuse to Settle For Less Than Butterflies.” As soon as I saw it I exclaimed “YES!” and I started writing immediately!
She said: I have friends who are settling for comfortable, but I refuse to date a mini van. I want butterflies, fireworks, I want the big POW. I’ve had it before, I know it’s out there, and I’m not going to settle until I get it.
I so know that feeling, don’t you? I’ve had it before…I’m looking for it now and I REFUSE to settle! I won’t!
“Butterflies” are an indescribable feeling that you never want to end. They are thrilling and exciting and there’s nothing else like them. I’ll admit that it I love the feeling.
The simplest things can cause them to appear…a simple text message, a phone call you didn’t expect, the brush of their hand on yours, the scent of their cologne on your shirt, even a photo…it’s bliss.
The unfortunate thing for me is that in past the butterflies died a horrible death very quickly…but despite the heartbreak I’ve still got my net and I’m in search of more! I’m on a quest for whatever makes them appear in my stomach and when I find them I’m gonna try my damnedest not to let them fly away!!
Not to be cliché but shouldn’t we all be chasing butterflies?
Games. Now this is a hot topic for me.
Now, I’m not talking about the Pac Man, Super Mario Brothers or Donkey Kong…PlayStation, Xbox, or Wii “games”- I’m talking about relationship games. Games played between the opposite sex. Unnecessary torturing of each other emotions in the beginning of a budding relationship. Those games!
I have pondered the need for these games for years and years and I constantly wonder why they exist.
Should I call him?
Why isn’t he calling me?
Is he thinking of me?
Why didn’t he reply to my email?
I just called him 3 hours ago…I can’t call him again, can I?
What do you think he means when he said XXX in this text message?
What should I say to him when he calls?
Do you think he’ll like my outfit?
So do you think he’s thinking about me right now?
So do you think he really likes me?
Yes, it’s true, the secret is out. Those are some of the questions we torture ourselves with, as women. I can’t speak for all women but I know I’ve experienced all of these questions of uncertainty time and time again.
We congregate amongst our circle of friends and spend hours pondering the intentions of the men we like…the men we want to want us. The men we HOPE feel the same way we do about them (but we’re just not sure…because we can’t read them). We try to send them subliminal messages to call us…to text us…email us…to stop by and see us (something, please!!). We torture ourselves going over and over the words we’ll say when we finally hear from them (so that we can ensure we get a response from them and don’t scare them away). We think of what we should say to keep them interested and we make sure everything is written or phrased perfectly before we release our feelings.
Why go through all of this self-torture and not just be ourselves? Games….it’s games I tell ya! We have to play along or otherwise we will lose and “go directly to jail” without a “get out of jail free card.” The unpredictability of men and their emotions is something, we as women, have a hard time figuring out without a map.
I know that in the beginning of dating you’re going to have a lot of uncertainty….it’s bound to happen when you’re meeting someone new (or someone old!) and you’re unsure of where you stand with the other person. But, if you find that you really like each others company and you decide that you want to keep it going, you’re both into it and want it to continue, I think that should be the time where the guard needs to be dropped a little bit and games need to end.
Why all the uncertainty and guarded/veiled behaviors? Why all the uncertainty in the interactions between the couple when you’re creating something new, fresh, and beautiful like a budding relationship. Shouldn’t relationships be built on honesty and trust? The answer is YES so there are no need for games – especially when you are just starting out.
I’m from the school of thought (and I can’t tell you if there are any other students at this school with me *lol*) that you should be honest and upfront and in return you should receive honesty and upfront behavior in return. Why hide your feelings? Is it the fear of rejection or fear of being hurt? I’m not sure that guys think so deeply into those things but I AM SURE that if there were less games and more honesty during dating that maybe people wouldn’t get hurt so badly if things didn’t work out. If women knew where they stood and weren’t constantly guessing what guys were feeling we wouldn’t feel so bad if things ended.
I know that “guys” and “girls” are built differently…and this is why girls will probably spend the rest of their lives trying to figure out the men in their life. I’m sure the majority of men are NOT sitting home pondering how a woman feels about them. The reason they never really have to think about it is that they probably already know how their woman feels! Because a majority of us let them know!
I don’t like games. I am honest and upfront from the beginning and I make it clear that I’m not into games….I’m into honesty. It’s all I ask (but don’t always receive).
I guess sometimes guys (or girls) just can’t let their guard down. They have a hard time sharing their emotions or they just grew up in a world where you just didn’t talk about your feelings.
Games are hurtful and I don’t want to play!
*Footnote: I promise you that I’m not ignorant to the fact that NOT all men are like this…there are some good ones out there…I just haven’t found one yet!
The sickest part about this whole rant is that sometimes girls don’t seem to be as interested in “nice guys”…and you have to wonder if we secretly like the games? How’s that for a kanundrum to dissect?
Photo credit vampire-zombie.deviantart.com
The lyrics at the bottom of this post resonated with me when I heard them tonight and they immediately made me feel like I had to write about them for my 1st real post on my new blog (I know…what a depressing way to start my blog but it’s the world I’m in right now so I’m running with it).
I was listening to the new Alanis Morissette Album Flavors of Entanglement. When the song “Tapes” came on and I heard the lyrics I listened a bit closer to the words of the song.
Because I’m feeling a bit down today; when I heard Alanis say “I am someone easy to leave…even easier to forget…” and “I’m the one they all run from” I stopped in my tracks. Mainly because of my situation that I’m living TODAY.
I’m not a depressed girl by any means…just someone going through a rough patch in my life and I know that I will eventually dig myself out of the hole I’m in…but…
TODAY I’m feeling that I am someone easy to leave…I guess because I have been “left.” It’s that simple. The girl who thought her life was buttoned up so nicely and thought everything was going great for her learned that wasn’t so true. There were missing buttons….and I didn’t notice until it was too late.
I’ve had a considerable amount of time to deal with that sadness and I thought I was doing unusually well until I made the very tough decision to let other influences into my life right in the middle of my healing process. I thought these other “influences” would make me happy and it turns out, that they did for a while, but then they ended up “leaving me” emotionally and physically too.
How much can one girl take, I ask?
Sometimes I find myself marinating in the mellow drama of my life…wallowing in pity until I can find a way to snap out of it –and see my life for what it really is (despite my current situation). A life that is a good life…filled with a good job, a great hobby, a great family and good friends. I’ve been fortunate enough to have good health (although I will admit we all have our “thing” that we wish we didn’t have…and I’m still learning to deal with my “thing”…more on that another day). All in all my life is one that is a blessing that I should be happy with but of course our emotions rule our lives and mine are ruling my life right now.
My friends have been GREAT. So supportive, so patient, and kind. I mention the adjective kind because their tolerance of my emotional roller coaster over the past 9 months and especially the last 6 weeks has been immeasurable! How they let me rant and rave and actually listen to me is beyond me! I keep saying that they must be so tired of hearing my soap opera but they always LISTEN and give GOOD ADVICE. I so appreciate their support on so many late night discussions about me and my life.
But, I digress from the lyrics….back to the roller coaster of my life…it’s had so many ups and downs the past 9 months or so that it’s hard not to fall into moments of sadness where the lyrics of a song catch your attention and almost make you shed a stinkin’ tear!
I’m sure I’m overreacting to my current situation but my heart is a little torn up right now. I think it’s going to take some time to heal and be able to love again and open my heart to anyone without the fear of being left behind.
So, for now…for today….
“I am someone easy to leave”
“Even easier to forget”
a voice, if inaccurate
Again: “I’m the one they all run from”
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button
All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc
“I’m too exhausting to be loved”
“a volatile chemical”
“best to quarantine and cut off”
All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc
“I’m but a thorn in your sweet side”
“You’d be better off without me”
“It’d be best to leave at once”
All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own
Wreaking havoc”
You can hear the song HERE.
Hello and welcome!
I love the title I chose for my blog…so appropriate for me at this point in my life.
I love to write…and I decided with what I’m going through in my life right now….a creative outlet such as writing is a great release. Thanks to a friend’s encouragement I decided to put the wheels in motion for a blog like this to put my thoughts into words to help me sort things out (with the help of other’s who have been here as as well!)
Sometimes the world around me seems too crazy and filled with chaos and I want to give up — I realized that I just need to BREATHE! A deep breath is all it takes to stop and put the things that happen in life in perspective.
I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a roller coaster ride…but I’m buckled up for safety….and ready to take the journey. As long I hang on tight, I think I’ll make it off the ride safely!
Why don’t you take a ride along with me on my journey? I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts…
A Virtual Society of Real Friends
June 25, 2008 in Notable Blogs, deep thoughts, friendship, life, love, relationship | Tags: blogger, bloggers, blogging, comments, dating, divorce, encouragement, encouraging, fellow bloggers, forum, forums, friendship, hobbies, hobby, imaginary friends, loser, losers, new blog, new life, online community, starting all over again, starting over, virtual buddies, virtual friends, well wishes, x husband | 6 comments
If you said that 20 years ago someone might think you meant “imaginary friends” and they might consider the possibility of checking you into a mental facility (if you were over 10 years old). *LOL*
I don’t recall having virtual friends before last year (unless you want to count my pen pal that I had for 10 years as a child). Fast forward to the present…I never thought I’d have so many virtual friends until I joined an online forum that correlated to my hobby.
I was so nervous to join a forum. It was the first forum I had ever been on in my life and just like your first day of school it’s nerve wracking trying to fit in. I was anxious to post comments on other people’s threads or post my own but when I finally got over that, I posted with ease and conversations flowed back & forth about the work we were showcasing.
Slowly I began to learn more and more about the people that were part of this “online community” and they slowly became more than screen names with 90×90 avatars photos. They became actual friends outside the discussion of our hobbies. I knew about their wives & husbands, their children, what they did for a living, and what they did on their weekends. I’d feel sad if they were sick, lost a loved one, or if they were in a creative slump. On the forum we share a lot of our thoughts and personal feelings in between talking about hour hobbies and helping each other grow our talents.
Eventually some of the friendships carried over to into instant messenger and emailing and a few carried over to texting and chatting on the telephone. Recently, I found myself talking to a few of my “virtual” long distance friends more (or as much) as some of my local friends.
Not only did I have these “forum friends” I ended up striking up friendships with fellow bloggers that I met when going to their blogs and commenting…which trickled over into email conversations as well as over the phone when I needed help with the technical piece of my hobby. What a great network I was creating for my hobby/side business so I could continue to thrive with their help!
The big reason I decided to write this post, today, was because I was thinking about how much some of these virtual friends were really there for me during the worst 9 months of my life. I realized how grateful I was to them in addition to my local friends.
When “THE-X” decided that he was unhappy with us last year I thought I would shy away from my forum, my hobby/side job, and my blogging and hide under the covers crying everyday but instead I gravitated toward my hobby, the forum and blogging even more because of the strong community that had my back!
I got more support, well wishes, cards, “thinking of you” emails, help, “I’ve been there” advice, etc. from these wonderful people then you could imagine. I thought these pepole were so special that they deserved a special post dedicated to their friendship and my appreciation towards them. They would think of me and how I was doing during their day as I did of them. They were true friends (even if I’ve never laid eyes on any of them in person)! I hope to meet some of them one day so we could make a day of sharing our hobbies together.
Since I loved blogging about my hobby, so much, I decided that I’d like to make a personal writing blog. Writing is something that comes easy to me and I’ve always enjoyed various forms of it through my life (poetry, stories, and a heck of a lot of letter writing with the 10 year penpal as child).
I was on the fence about creating this blog because I hardly have time for my full time job, side job/hobby, the forum, my blog dedicated to my hobby, taking care of my dog, and my house (which is for sale)! But ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre encouraged me to go for it and said that writing will really help me get through everything I was experiencing (and since she’s a master blogger and a great writer I took her advice).
I think an anonymous blog like this makes a great place to share my thoughts and feelings and a place to hear from others who are going through the same thing or have gone through the same thing (and can lend great advice). And what great advice they have given freely already! I’ve had this blog for only 1 week and I’ve received so many wonderful comments of encouragement that it’s been overwhelming! If I could lend advice to someone else going through the same thing as me that is just as rewarding!
I am and will be forever grateful to the virtual friends who were there for me the past 9 months and will continue to be there for me as I “start over” in my “new life.” I’m also grateful to have a place to hear from others who relate and care enough to take a few minutes to stop by and comment - THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!