Waiting

I hate that I have been so absent.  Things have been so busy lately and I’m really neglecting my writing.  I apologize.  I wonder if sometimes we have to pour our hearts out when we are really hurting bad versus when we are happy and content.  I wonder if we when we are hurting so bad if we just need to get it all out like a catharsis of sorts.

As I type I am wondering what I want to talk about.  I wonder what anyone would want to hear.  Work has been a nightmare.  Things are piling up there.  But I honestly don’t care right now. 

The strong chance that nothing will work out for me at work and I will have no job early this summer is something I can’t even deal with right now.  Everyone I work with wants to know if I’ve been “looking” and my answer is simply “no.”  I’m not looking.  They ask me what will I do if things don’t work out and I say “I don’t know.”  That’s all I can say.  I have no energy for it.  I have no desire to pound the pavement.  I couldn’t even tell you what I would apply for.  I have no idea.  I have no interest in anything.  I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to deal with recruiters and figuring out how I’m going to go on job interviews for jobs I don’t want just to have something.  I don’t want to just take anything and be miserable every day.  I want to like what I do.  I don’t know what that is and I haven’t known for 10 years.  I’m basically avoiding the most horrible task in the most horrible economy. 

The other thing that piles on top of the job issue is my house.  Soon it will be  ONE YEAR since it went on the market.  ONE YEAR!  That is ABSURD!  Again the same economy.  I can’t make a new house decision without a job decision. I can’t make a job decision until I know if there is a way I can stay here.  I won’t know if I can stay here until someone else figures that out.  I’m in friggin limbo.  So, I’m not looking.  I’m waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I have not been able to MOVE ON for one year and 5 months.  Some parts of me have moved on while other are stuck in the LIMBO I’ve referenced.  My X husband doesn’t bother me at all but I’m sick of having to deal with im for money for the bills and to discuss the damn progress of the house for sale.  I’m tired of worrying that he is almost completely out of money and how long will he be able to keep paying half of the bills before he goes bankrupt.  If he goes bankrupt how will I pay for all of the bills on my own when they are more than I make in a month?  I simply cannot.

That will mean that the price of the house would have to be lowered for the 3rd time until we won’t even make enough to pay our realotor of the orginal loan back!  And then what?? That can’t happen!  I will have no where to live and be in debt.  It needs to sell for the pitiful price it’s at and sell quickly. 

Uuugh I’m tired of the whole thing.  Each day that goes by leaves me with less and less hope that things are going to go smoothly with the house and with my job.  I was being SO POSITIVE before and I’m losing slowly each day.

That’s my rant.  Other than that I’m happy. LOL!  Isn’t that hysterical?  Other than all of that bullsh*t above I’m happy.

Sick

How does a person get a cold, get completely better, and then 2 weeks or so later get sick again with another bad cold?  I feel like death.  I’m praying I get better before the weekend because I’m off to visit my man (sick or not).  It’s been a couple weeks and I’m really looking forward to seeing his sweet face and wonderful smile.

Better and Better

I’m still doing well.  I’ve been walking around with a smile on my face for weeks.  It’s been very, very nice – I must say.  I think it’s deserved after what I’ve been through for more than a year now.    At this point I’m just enjoying life the best I possible can.

Despite what I’m going through in my life the happiness another person brings you can really make all the turmoil swirling in your mind less frightening and stressful.  The turmoil is still there…spinning in my head…but it’s more manageable right now.

My house isn’t selling, my job is a giant question mark, my anxiety is not in perfect shape but I feel good inside.  My heart feels happy.  My side business is doing well and is picking up amazingly but it’s all a lot to handle all at once.  Again, I feel like anything is possible when I’m feeling good inside my heart.

The reason I’m happy is because of a guy that is most everything that others in my past have never been for me.  He is younger than I am by a number of years but at a certain point in your life I don’t think that matters anymore…I hope it will never become an issue for me.  He treats me with so much respect, admiration, and love.  He genuinely cares about my interests and hobbies and wants to enjoy them with me even if it’s not something he’s into himself.  He likes to go out with me, he likes to dance and have a good time.  He met my family and wants to meet my friends.  He gives me his undivided attention and puts me first.  He actually listens when I am talking and  he actually remembers things I tell him.  He lives quite a distance from me which is tough but it’s worth the effort to see him.  I didn’t know where this would all go when it began but I can say  he’s become a real an angel in  my life.

I haven’t put a definition on the relationship because there is no pressure to at this time.  It’s just the beginning of (hopefully) good things to come.  I’m enjoying each day as it comes and I enjoy his company as much as I can see him.  I’m tired of being sad.  I’m tired of everything that as brought me down for so long since everything started changing in my life.

Life has not been very fair for a very long time.  It’s just not fair to have one thing after another go wrong over and over.  I’m sick of the bad luck.  I believe I’m a good person.  I know that I deserve to be happy and I’m allowed to be happy.  I’m allowed to have something good in my life…finally.

We’ll see where this goes. I can only hope to a better and better place everyday.

On another note…after a little over 3 months —- I got an instant message from GI GUY yesterday out of nowhere — saying he knows its been a while and that I probably dislike him by now, but he hopes I’m doing well and wanted to say hello.  What a stupid ass.  What a very stupid guy.  I will not be replying although I wish I could tell him off.  I wish he could know and understand how he made me feel but I am smart enough to realize that it won’t mean a thing if he knows how he hurt me.  He is selfish.  He is a liar.  He was my friend for so long and I’ll never understand how he could do this to me after all of those years of friendship.

He wasn’t the right guy for me and would never be the guy I wish he was. I don’t need someone that isn’t right for me in my life again…I already had it for 10 years.  If someone isn’t meant to be you can’t make them be.  I’m really glad the dummy stopped talking like he did.  It took a while for me to feel better but I got over it.  I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish.

Long overdue…

So, where I last left off was feeling bad and lonely… I was afraid to meet someone new as well.  I was worried that after what I had been through that I may end up hurting someone.

Well, things have changed since then.  I’m happy today, I was happy last week, I was happy the week before that.  I’ve had a happiness streak in my life recently.   I can’t define “it” for you but I can say that I’m happy right now. 

2008 was the suckiest, most terribly rotten, horrible, sickening, putrid, disgusting, saddest year every in my life.  2009 is on it’s way to being great.  It will stay great if there is anything I can do about it.  Despite the fact that I’m losing my job after many, many years there I can say that because I’m happy right now I’m not even focusing on that.  I can’t even let that bring me down right now.

Feeling like this is great. I haven’t felt this way in so long.  I am enjoying ever moment of it for as long as it lasts.  I’m not going to define it…I’m not going to think into the future of it.  I’m just enjoying TODAY.  That’s how I’ve laid it out on the table.  I like where it is, I don’t know where it will go, but I feel good and I need that.  I’m not getting any pressure and there is an understanding of where I am right now which is more than I could have asked for.

After all the things that have happened to me in a row I think I deserve a little happiness.  I think I deserve someone to treat me with care, respect, adoration, and love.  I deserve someone who cares about what I want, wants to take care of me the best way they know how, is attracted to me and makes me feel beautiful, someone who puts my needs in front of their own, who is not selfish, and even wants to take me out and have a good time.  I deserve the oppositte of what I had before that obviously didn’t work for me.

I can’t believe how different this feels.  After 10 years of being with someone else (from my early 20’s) I forgot what this all feels like.  After jerk #2 entered my life after jerk #1 left I wasn’t sure if I’d contunue to get jerk after jerk after jerk. Luckily I did not.  Even if this goes no where I will know what I SHOULD feel like.  I will know what I desreve and never be able to settle for less in life.

I feel happy.  I am happy. NOW.  Don’t know what the future will bring but who the F*ck cares!

Attention…mmm so good

It seems so easy to become addicted to attention…I mean from the opposite sex.  When you’ve been alone for a while and you crave attention and you get some its easy to get addicted to it.

I have been feeling so overwhelmingly alone lately and its was to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I craved even a simple hug.  I was so sad.  I think it’s true that people can die from loneliness…I never realized how hard it is to go without something as simple as ”a hug” for so long.  The need for human touch is so great and I never understood that before now.

Loneliness Creates Weakness

I’ve been contemplating so many things lately.  Some things really have been getting to me more than ever and I don’t know what’s bringing it on more right now.  It’s kinda painful.

Is it the holidays? Winter coming? Is it just time dragging on without changes?

Loneliness is sometimes really so unbearable.

if this is cryptic, I apologize.  It’s late and I’m tired…and lonely.

Feeling Icky

Ever feel like ick but can’t put your finger on why?  Or maybe the answer is there in the back of your head but you won’t let it come to the front…

Last night I felt like this and now tonight I feel like this.

It seems to happen when I have a great night with friends and then the night is over and I come home to my empty, lonely big ol house.  It’s like I don’t want the company to disappear and I don’t want to ever go home.

I know it’s normal to feel like this but it doesn’t make it better.

Rules

AlwaysKnewWe’dBeFriends sent this to me and I thought all of the statements were very poignant.  Some are hard to swallow because I know a lot of them are true & very valid points.  When you see such stark statements they really jar your reality.

It was actually a bit uncomfortable reading a few of these…mainly because they made me THINK very hard, made my heart ache, made me wonder why loving another human being has to be such hard work sometimes.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.  If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”.  A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.”  You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything.  He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage…

Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you… a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals… look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.

Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes… when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.

Never move into his mother’s house.

Never co-sign for a man.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Making the Wrong Decision Even When You Know It’s Wrong

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” ~ Sex in the City

I know about the me that I love.  Now I just have to discover the someone that loves the me that I am and will take care of me the way I should be taken care of…treat me right…and never let me go.  You can’t look for this someone…they will just appear in your life.  If you’re looking for love you’ll never find it.

I am a pretty patient person but I’ve never had to wait for this in my life. There always seemed to be someone but now patience is certainly a virtue more than I have ever experienced.  Somehow all the wrong guys like me and I don’t want them “that way.”  It’s kind of depressing to say the least.

And the ones you wish loved you break your heart into a million tiny pieces when all you want to do is love them and be loved back.

Sometimes we look for love in the wrong places and I’ve never been so stubborn before as I am now.  I’ve never let someone break my heart as I have now.  And yet I don’t scream at them and tell them how terrible they are and how they make me sometimes.  I say somethings but then I don’t unleash all of my feelings.  I don’t know why.  I just can’t.  I normally don’t let people take advantage of me and yet I cannot cry out the things I’d like to say.  I really don’t know why that is.

Even after all of the advice I get or give to others in this same situation I cannot follow their advice and I cannot take my own.  Is it the challenge?  Is it not being able to make them head over heels like you think they should be that keeps you hanging on and trying and trying?

I know all the things that have made me feel bad.  I know all of the things that have made me feel good.  Seems the bad may outweigh the good sometimes and yet I still don’t kick them to the curb.  The situation is complicated and I don’t understand it so I don’t think I can make anyone else truly understand it either.  I can’t make anyone understand why I am doing what I am doing.

It’s something I need to figure out in time and deal with myself.  No matter how many times I’m told to let this go and not let myself be hurt because I don’t deserve it…something sucks me back in.  If I ever figure out why I’m making this mistake I’ll be sure to share it with the world because if I can figure this out it will be a miracle.  I don’t know what will snap me out of this.  Maybe it’s being REALLY hurt that will do it.  But so far I must not have been REALLY hurt yet…sure felt like I have been at times but maybe it’s just semi-hurt right now.  And then the “sweet nothings” brainwash me again into ignoring the hurt.

Maybe it’s a case of the fact that we all want to be loved and when you are lonely and have nothing anything feels better than nothing.  I’m a smart girl and I think I have a lot of common sense and this is why I try to rationalize my situation in so many different ways but maybe I’m just NOT being rational for once in my life.  And that’s okay.  Time heals everything…I just need time to figure out what’s right for me.

Right now I’m not closing myself off to any possibilities.  No one ever should, because you never know what will happen if you stay open.  Right now nothing is coming my way except those I have no interest in.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be alone for a really, really long time.  Things aren’t the same as they were when I was in college and guys were everywhere….seems most of the good ones are taken and others we want and like aren’t the “good ones” that you deserve.

I just ask that you don’t judge me if I keep making the same mistakes over and over again…it must be something I have to do right now in my life for some strange reason.  I don’t understand it as much as you don’t.  It’s just how it is right now.  I can’t help it.

It’s Getting to Me

I think the loneliness is getting to me.  That’s what I think.

The Upper Hand

Question to ponder…

When there were two people in a relationship why is there always one person who has the upper hand?  Why does it always seem that one person has more control over the relationship than the other? Are you ever really on even playing ground?

Breathe Me

I love this song…I love the lyrics…sometimes I’m  happy and sometimes feel like this.

Breathe Me – By Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Optimism vs. Pessimism

“That night I started to think about belief. Maybe its not even advisable to be an optomist after 30, maybe pessimism is something we have to start apply daily, like moisturizer, otherwise how do you bounce back when reality batters your belief system and love does not, as promised, conquer all. Is hope a drug we need to go off of or is it keeping us alive?”

I guess you can say that I am the ultimate pessimist.  I don’t mind an optimist’s views but they aren’t mine no matter how hard I try.  I have always been a pessimist.  I have always seen the glass half empty.  I don’t always see the cloud with the silver lining. 

No matter how hard anyone tries to convice me I can’t change that way of thinking.  It actually gets me through really tough times.  It allows me to NOT be disappointed when things don’t work out.

You see I believe that if I am a pessimist and have a percentage of doubt that something isn’t going to go perfectly my way I am not disappointed when I am right about that assumption.  When I have doubt and things DO work out then I am twice as happy.  That’s just how it works for me and how I get by.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong.  It’s just what I think.

I don’t walk around with a nasty pessimistic face or attitude though.  I’m normally a happy go lucky person who tries to enjoy life but even when there are good things happening for me lately it’s hard to be extrememly happy because there is a part of me that is missing….

Lately…a Rambler Post

I’ve been doing well.  Been busy.  My side job has taken off to extraordinary heights and that makes me happy but it still only masks some of the loneliness I feel.  I still have anxiety but it’s much, much less and more minimized in the attacks.  I haven’t fainted once since I was out on the medication but I’ve come close in the beginning.  Things have been progressively getting better in that respect.

Early this morning I hurt my head really bad when I walked into a doorjam in the dark and despite the scared feeling I got from the shock of it – somehow I didn’t faint from the pain which is a miracle in its own right.  I think when you are faced with a fear and you just can’t lose yourself you will somehow find a way to get through it.  If I were bleeding from my head that may have been a whole other story but I wasn’t so getting through it was important to me.

This has been a crazy year for me.  So many things have happened that really made me STOP and think about my life.  I’m still trying to figure out where it’s going and I think it’s going to be a long journey.  The only  thing that I can say is that you need to see every step of the journey through as you head where you’re going to end up.  I’m not wasting any days any longer.  I did that for many, many years.

I doing all the things I’ve always wanted to do to the best of my ability.  I’m taking trips, making my hobby into a successful side job, hanging out with friends, reconnecting with old friends, trying to get out there and live my life the best way I know how right now.

I am keeping busy as I can and seeing where I end up.  That’s all I can do.  I don’t know where my life is going to be but that best thing I can do is be okay with where it is right now to the best of my ability and not torture myself along the way wondering where I will be.

I have some things bothering me that I don’t have time to write about now (lack of time seems to be my problem lately). I’m trying to get to bed earlier and I’ve ruined that with it being 1:07am as I write this.  Sleep is a waste but I need it to get up for the day job without feeling like death.  So I need to end this now and talk about my other issues later…if I can muster up the explanation of what’s been going through my head and write about it.

I have a lot to sort out as I go and it’s going to take a lot of time to be “OK.”  For now I’m doing fine okay as I can be.  That’s the best I can tell everyone who asks.  So many people at work who have found out about the divorce due to my public name change have asked how I am and the only thing I can say over and over is this quote exactly “it’s been a long year but I doing okay.”  That’s all I say and all they’re getting.  That’s all anyone needs to know.  Is that I’m okay….okay as I can be with where my life has taken me.

I Promise I will Give an Update Soon!

I’m over my head with work and all of the things that one must do once they divorce but I promise I will write soon.  I tried to 6 times today but got interrupted.  So, when I have some time I really do need to clear my head and write a little.  It really helps.

Tomorrow

So, tomorrow is the day.

It’s all very strange and I’m in a very quiet state.  I’m not sure how I will feel afterwards.  It all seems so unreal and as if I am floating through all of the past months leading up to this day.  I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to where I am today and the calm state I try to keep myself in after all that has happened to me in the past year and one month.

Maybe I push it to the back of my head in the dark place where we choose not to visit.  Maybe I feel it’s for the best so I don’t let it bring my spirits down.  Maybe I just want to move on because I know it’s how it should be and it’s not going to change.

It’s best to not dwell in the past for me – it’s best to move forward only.  I don’t let myself think too much ahead and torture myself with wondering where my life will take me.  I guess I’m just trying to live in each day as it comes and try my best to be happy in that specific day.

I don’t know if it’s the medicine that is helping me be more even about my feelings and emotions but if it is well then praise the meds.  If it’s me somehow magically coping with the cards I’ve been dealt well then praise me.

It’s scary that tomorrow is this invisible turning point.  Almost as if after tomorrow I should feel a different way and start this “new life” that everyone keeps talking about.

I think I’ve kept myself from looking back and wondering if I could have done things differently so that I don’t torture myself.  It’s really helped me to look ahead.  I don’t know if one day I will find out that I should have been doing things differently through this past year for my mental well being but I will just feel good that I have held myself together and tried my best to stay positive.

When you hold yourself together and put on a good face the one thing that seems to happen is that everyone assumes that you are “sooooo okay” but sometimes you’re not.  Sometimes you just don’t feel like talking about things anymore.  You’ve played them all over in your head so many times that it makes you sick to even say anymore outloud about the subject.  So, you walk in a state of “I’m okay.  I’m doing fine” and people believe it.  One reason they believe it is because there is only so much they can help you and it makes them feel bad when you’re not feeling good and they can’t help you.  They don’t know what to say.  They become relieved when they believe that you are alright and they don’t have to help you anymore.  They don’t have to think of advice for you to make you feel better.

i guess that’s what I have done for a while.  I’m sick of burdening the world with feeling bad for me.  There is nothing else to talk about with my situation that hasn’t been said already so why discuss it anymore.  Mostly I just sort it out in my own head.  I’ve been having mostly good days in my life and when I’m sad and depressed and very lonely I just muttle through because it will only last so long.

I know that after tomorrow I will no longer be “poor XXX going through a divorce.”  Soon I will be “XXXX the single divorced girl in her 30’s.”

A long time ago I didn’t feel like there was a light at the end of this tunnel.  Now I feel that there must be.  I deserve happiness so happiness will find me I’m sure.  I just have to continue to keep myself from wondering obsessively as to WHEN this happiness is going to come knocking at my door.

On another note.  My house still has NOT sold.  It’s been on the market for months.  I’m sick of caring for it.  It’s a REAL GROSS MESS and I’m tired of keeping up with the mess.  I feel distraught when I think of cleaning it.  I keep WILLING it to sell already so I can get a little place of my own and REALLY TRULY start this new life everyone is talking about.  On the other hand maybe I shouldn’t rush my wishing along because there will be new problems and new issues to deal with when it comes to selling the house and buying a new one all in 2 minutes.  I should be another horrifying process to take over my life for weeks and weeks leaving me barely any time to concentrate at work, get my side business work done,  find a place to live that i can AFFORD on my own that isn’t in the ghetto, pack, move, deal with lawyers, and all the hudreds of phone calls that come along with changing utilities over.

Yeah, yeah…bitch bitch.  Complain, complain.  Well, maybe that’s why I have this blog.   To randomly write what comes out of my head as it develops.  I think it helps.

I guess there are so many strange feelings and emotions inside of me and I’m not sure what they all mean.  I know you will all say “hang in there kid, things will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you will be happy, things are good, you’re strong”  I know…I know….I can save you the typing.  You must be tired of saying it over and over, I’m sure.  Feel free to just say “hi” and let me know you were here.  You don’t have to worry about trying to give me any advice.  I realize that all of this is something I need to work out on my own inside myself and that’s what I’m doing.

I know I’m not alone in this but I know that no one else but me can make me okay with where my life started and where it ended.  I need to be happy alone and with myself and I guess that will be the case for a while….

This was a long one.  Hardly coherent thoughts forming one theme.  I guess this time around I just wanted to free form write whatever came out of my head even if it did’t tell one full story and was a lot of babble.

Talk to you all soon, I’m sure…

Small Miracles

Things are going pretty decent right now.  I can’t complain.  I have had quite a bit less stress in the panic attack area.  Today I had a mini one but my pal helped me through it and it ended in less than 3 minutes.  How’s that for small miracles?

Yesterday I got a small cut on my finger when I got to work but called my good friend over to sit with me while I worked through it and after a little while I made it though with no fainting from the minuscule little dot of blood that was there.  Another small miracle.

Gotta thank god for small miracles these days.

I’ve been able to go to restaurants without the panic I was feeling repeatedly…so far so good in that arena.

The other thing that I’ve been sorting through feelings about for a while is my divorce date.  I found out a week or so ago that it’s set for this Thursday at 9am.  I’m not sure if it will change but that’s what I’ve been told.  I think I’m going to go alone so I guess I will be praying for another small miracle on that morning – hoping that nothing sets me off.

Besides that…it’s also the fact that with the finality of the divorce looming it’s a strange feeling for me.  I’ll no longer be “in the middle of a divorce.”  I will BE DIVORCED.  I will not necessarily be “just single” but a “divorced girl.”  That lovely stigma will follow me everywhere I go.

Soon it will be very obvious at work when I come in the next day and change my name everywhere and everyone wonders what happened.  If they knew me when I was single then it will be obvious when I switch to my maiden name.  Those who ONLY new my current (married) last name may think that the change of name is due to marriage and slip up and tell me congrats.  I will have to say to them “um, no congrats necessary.”  Or “did you get married?” and I will say “um no, the opposite” and watch their faces turn into concerned, pitying frowns.  I know that will happen when people start to learn the truth because it already has MANY, MANY times.  THEN – I end up consoling their feelings, believe it or not, versus them consoling me.  It’s so fun… NOT

It’s just strange how fast my life changed.  One day I was married, the next moment he was moving out, the next minute I filed for the divorce, and then here I am 5 days from the final court ruling and the big fat divorce decree.  Joy to the world.

He may not have been the right man for me, and I may be “BETTER OFF” but it’s still a VERY tough thing to go through.  I may have friends and family around to be there for me but they aren’t in my head and they don’t hear my thoughts and feel my feelings.  The feeling is pretty indescribable and the only one who may understand it is someone who is divorced.  Then again, we all get divorced for very different reasons.

No one knows how much the relationship I was in screwed with my mind now that I look back on it and can clearly see his faults AND my faults as well.  Those faults have scared my mind a bit…mainly because I fear going down a similar path with someone else.  Or being fearful to commit to someone else completely and behave in a more guarded manner.  Worrying that the same thing is going to happen to me again and I won’t be able to take any more failure in something that I put my whole heart and soul into.

What a strange thing to go through.  What a strange thing it is to look back and the past 10 years or so and try to convince yourself that it wasn’t a waste.  Everyone gasps when I say that and they tell me that it was not a waste and that you had your good times during those years.  They say that was one part of your life and now you will start the next chapter.  I keep thinking that is fine but I wish the new chapter started years ago when there were MANY other single men still around!  Not now when I feel like there are SLIM pickins (more on that when I’m ready to deal with that issue).

Right now all I can say is that I’m in a weird place and I’m pretty quiet about it.  I’m not crying, pouting, or feeling despair about it.  I just feel strange about it.  It’s the final countdown to that part of my life.  The chapter is closing and I don’t think I want to look back on it.  I feel so wronged by my fate.  I wonder why a decent, caring, loving human being who gives of herself, is loyal til the end, and loves unconditionally deserves to go through this pain.  This rejection is not EASY.  Going through this feels so WRONG.

But, no matter what…I’m independent and I’m managing JUST FINE on my own.  I haven’t fallen apart…just moved FORWARD.  That’s all I can do.  I’m bucked in, driving along this road of life, and I will see where my path may lead.

Thinking in the silence

I’ve grown to hate the shower every night.  For some reason it’s the place where I do the MOST thinking.  Maybe it’s because it’s the one place in my house where I go and it’s just me and I have no outside distractions keeping my mind occupied.

I hate the things that run through my head there.  I want my mind to be silent sometimes and when I keep busy it is.  When it’s too quiet and isolated then I start to think A LOT.  Afterwards it puts me a down mood no matter what good things I have going for me…

I know I have a lot to be thankful and happy about but our emotions rule us.  We can try to be tough and fight them but they are too strong.  Emotions are too powerful.

I guess I will have to figure out how to take shorter showers so I have to do less “deep thinking.”  I hate when I get down in the dumps out of no where like this.  The good thing is that it’s happening less and less so yay for that.

Can’t wait to find something else to think about that puts a smile on my face from ear to ear…

Today – For Me

Today is September 11th.  Today is a day that will do down in history as a terrible tragedy and fill our hearts with sorrow for the rest of our lives.

Not only is a day that the nation mourns but it’s a day that is a turning point in my own life.

One year ago today my husband (at the time) stood in my kitchen and told me (as I bit into a cupcake) that he “wasn’t happy.”  I was shocked by the statement and it game me the worst feeling inside that I’ve ever felt in my life.

I remember calmly taking the cupcake and walking over to the drawer and taking out a ziploc bag.  I carefully placed the cupcake into the baggie and turned back around to him and told him that if he wanted to talk to me he could come upstairs and talk to me while I laid down in our room.  If I stood their any longer I thought I would pass out.

He came upstairs and the worst night of my life continued into the wee hours of 9/12.  I won’t go into the details of the hysterics but I will say that this day will never be forgotten for many reasons.

Today, 9/11/08, I look at the situation in a more positive manner. I look at one year ago as the day my life changed…but changed for the best.  We didn’t end things that day.  There was a long road of trying to reclaim the love he lost which in the end did not return.

That brings me back to today…waiting for the divorce to be final, waiting for my house to sell, and starting my life over.

September 11th is always going to remind me of a huge turning point in my life and will be a day for reflecting on “things lost.” But despite the loss I’m trying I’m trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Time Wasted

How do we keep from feeling like we have wasted precious time?  I ask this because sometimes I feel like I have wasted away many years of my life with someone who (in the end) discarded me and all the love and devotion I gave them.

This question doesn’t necessarily have to apply to relationships.  It can also apply to any task that you do that you don’t question if it’s the right thing to spend time on.  Does this make sense?  I hope so.

I spent 10 years with a person committing my life to a partnership with them.  Eventually we became more distant but there was still love and caring there.  No real fighting.  More time being spent separate from each other.  When I look back now at many of the things I “lived with” I wonder if I could have opened my eyes a little wider and have seen them for what they were.  And by that I mean…things that weren’t the greatest, weren’t what I wanted for my life, weren’t exactly what I wanted in a lifetime partnership.  I feel like I wasted so much time because I couldn’t see what was right in front of my face.

When we buy something like a new car we read, research and scrutinize the options, the price, the incentives, etc and we make comparisons to other vehicles in it’s class and then make a decision on our purchase.   With love it doesn’t work ANYTHING like that.  You have a spark, you date, and the next think you feel all giddy and “in love.”  Then you’re boyfriend and girlfriend and you get comfortable with this person and things continue on and on.  You don’t line up 10 guys like the Dating Game and do charts, graphs, comparisons, check their incentives and then make your decision on the closest match to what you’re looking for.

Love just sorta happens and then it’s years later after you get too comfortable and you start to see them for who they are.  Their good and their bad and you’re supposed to love both.  I did that!  I loved the good and the not so good.  I dealt with things that I would never ask for anyone else to put up with.  I loved him anyway.

I’m not perfect and maybe he feels the same way and that’s why he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore…who the hell knows with him.  I didn’t decide that. I just wanted changes if this was going to work out.  I said we could start all over but who was I kidding?  I couldn’t start over now looking back.

I think he was a bit mixed up in his mind but I don’t really care what his problem is.  I’m done with wondering about him.  I put all my effort into him and us during the months and months of counseling and when he couldn’t find the LOVE for me after all that I let him go.  Bu-bye!  YOU LOSE!  Not me!

I win!!  In a way it’s so true.  I win my life back.  One that feels very sad right now.  One that feels very lonely right now.  But that WILL NOT last forever.  I win because I didn’t waste 20-30 years of my life with someone that wasn’t the right fit for me.  Someone that I should have know wasn’t my perfect match way back when but I didn’t see it.  Even when I was 7-8 years into it I just stayed because that was my husband and that you I signed up for…commitment.

So, hopefully, going forward I will look into the depths of each man I choose to be with and decide if they are the right one for me.  They better have a hell of a lot more pros then they do cons or asta la vista baby!  Some people who aren’t the perfect guy for me are fine to date but for long term commitments they better shine like a star!

I still vote for lining them all up and doing a comparison shopping analysis…get all their graphs and charts and make an informed decision.  That way I pick the right one and no more of my precious time is wasted away for years and years until I open my eyes.  Whatdayasay?  Hmmm…I thought you’d say that wasn’t possible…  I’ll just have to go on instinct!

Sevendust – The Past

Beneath the water
that’s falling from my eyes
lays a soul I’ve left behind
the edge of sorrow was reached but now I’m fine
I’ve filled the hole I had inside

I’ll pray it doesn’t scream my name
so I light a flame and let it breathe
the air that kills the shame

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again

a risky morning
I feel like I’m alive
I can’t believe I’ve made it through this time
the edge of sorrow I lived in for some time
(lived in for some time)
has left the hole I have inside

The burden is I try my hate
was the last thing I ever felt
or thought I could escape

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again
[x2]

You let me in then broke me down
the difference is this time around
I will not let you see me try

I’m up
I’m down
like a rollercoaster racing through my life
I’ve erased the past again
[x2]

Erased the past again now
Erased the past again

Beneath the water
that has fallen from my eyes

Too Forward?

Are the woman of “today” too forward?  Is it bad that we know what we want and we go for it?  Is it wrong that we say how we feel when we feel it and don’t hold back?

My take on it that I’d rather not waste time with guys trying to figure out what they want or what they are looking for by beating around the bush.  I’d rather lay the cards out on the table, say how I feel about them, get their honest reaction and run with that.   If it’s good I run into their arms if its bad and I run away from them.  Let’s get it all out on the table!

Remember my post from a long time ago where I mentioned that I’m sick of playing games?  I guess this goes along the same line.  There’s no reason for keeping things inside and having to dissect what a guy thinks.  We want men to be honest and upfront with us…or at least I do!

I can’t deal with needing a map to figure out the way to their heart or trying to “figure” out what they want from you.  It’s too much work.

Love & relationships should be the easiest things we deal with in our days. Work should be the hardest challenge in our day.  Instead relationships are like taking Calculus when you’re in the 1st grade.

PS:  The panic is still under experiment.  I haven’t had any attacks since the one at work that I last mentioned but I haven’t had anything to test me yet… we shall see as they say!

I Need a Life Nap

I know I’m not the only one who has been through this.  I know one day I will be happy.  I know that one day I will meet someone and fall in love.  I know.

But until that happens I must say that this is the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my 32 years that I can remember.  It really has no instruction manual.  You have to feel the pain off loss…like a death.  You have to cope.  You have to “get out there” as I’m told over and over.

There will be other hurting I think.  Other painful moments.  Other mountains to climb.  I don’t see this as an easy path forward…a yellow brick road.  I see it as a challenge that I have no other choice but to take.  I must keep moving because that is me.  I’m no quitter.  I hit stumbling blocks along the way that set me back a little but I get up, dust myself off, and then trudge forward.  I never really give up (even when I’m in a situation where I really should give up and let go…I still keep trying).  Thank goodness I’m no quitter! Ha..

It’s just a hard thing to get used to.  A lonely exsistence in the darkness of the night.  I have a hard time with those moments.  I have a hard time going upstairs to bed every night.  My bed is huge and I share with my dog.   Thank god for him.  If I was completely alone without another living soul I might have gone nuts.  And thank god for my friendships.  They are the only thing I have that keeps me sane. 

Ten years is a long time to have a companion and then *POOF* they disappear right before your eyes.  Like a death…I’m in mourning for companionship I no longer have.  I’m trying to see the silver lining in the clouds…but right now I don’t see any clouds in the sky.

I’m trying not to make mistakes with “other” guys because I feel lonely.  I’m trying to think through my decisions.  Sometimes I slip but we all do it.  We all make silly decisions because we’re lonely but I’m slowly realizing it.  I’m slowly seeing that when you want things to be a certain way so you ignore the obvious signs that it’s just not right for you.  *sigh*  It’s hard to do the right thing.  It takes time to learn how to deal.  It takes a lot to be stong and NOT give into emotions. 

Life is hard.  But no one said it would be easy.  It seems that it’s mostly a struggle and I’m just kinda tired.  I need a life nap.

No News is Good News

No News is Good News

My Fat Lip

I have pretty bad luck it seems.  I had a little cut inside my mouth on my lip.  It made my lip a little fatter than usual. No big deal UNTIL I’m at a fun work team luncheon where we got a great lunch and I bit my lip in the same place so hard that it drew BLOOD—yes blood is my mortal enemy (in addition to anxiety).

The pain shot right through my entire body and I screamed to myself “Oh no – not again!”  I tried to sit there.  I tried to get past it.  I made it 2 minutes before I started to feel the panic rise (I really have the worst luck with this lately, don’t I?) I kept looking down at my hand after I would touch my lip and kept seeing blood.  I tried to wipe it away with my napkin but it kept bleeding.

I told my friend sitting next to me what happened and I could see her calmly keeping an eye on me.  Eventually I told her I needed to leave the room.  I got out and sat on the floor in the hallway and she stood there with me.  Eventually I got up and went into a nearby empty office of a co-worker and sat on the floor there until I felt better.  Then I graduated to sitting in a chair.  Then I decided that I was feeling better enough to re-join the group.  So we headed back in.

I felt okay and was actually able to eat the rest of my lunch and have a few good laughs with my co-workers.  Thank got it passed.  I was not in the mood to go through the horror of a fainting episode again.

If any other bad thing like this happens I may stop leaving the house.  Oh don’t worry…I don’t mean that.

Other than that debacle I went back to the doctor today for my 3 week update.  She up’ed my Lexapro dosage to 20mg.  I was all for it.  I figure the more milligrams the better.  I take that pill every day with joy.  I take it out of the bottle, look at it and pop it down my throat like it will solve the worlds problems (or at least hopefully mine!)

I’m patient boys and girls.  I am.  I just hope I can be one of the many, many people (including my own family member) who can say that this medicine changed my life.  I NEED A CHANGED LIFE!

I haven’t talked about my guy situation and at this point, I don’t think I really want to.  It’s something I’m trying to deal with internally and haven’t felt the need to write it all up here lately.  If I need to I will…but for now it’s hard enough thinking of it in my own head let alone write it out here….

On another note my divorce is closer to being final.  The settlement was drawn up and anyday now I will get a copy to sign and then the next step is the court date.  Once I have that it will be official.  I will be a SINGLE and take back my maiden name.  I will be officially starting over. Woop de do. Yip – e.  Throw a party. 

3 Weeks and a Day

Well, can you believe it? It’s been 3 weeks and a day.  I’m not better by any means but time will only tell to see if it has made a difference in my life.

I still walk around in fear everyday that it will happen to me again and it’s scary to walk around living in fear.  It makes you not try something for the fear of it striking wherever it decides to plague you.

After the car service center debacle I had a side job the next day and I woke up feeling sick inside.  All day long I didn’t want to go but I knew I HAD to.  I had no choice but to go.  So, my friend came with me (thank God) and about 45 mins before I had to work I took 1 Xanax.  By the time I had to do my thing I felt “ok” and I was my normal self while working which was good but I still was upset that the entire day I was “on edge.”

Then I was fine from Saturday night until Wednesday when I had a meeting at work with some people that I had talked to many times on the phone before but never met in person.  I was the only one meeting with them so I didn’t have that security blanket of people I knew well going to the meeting with me.  I went to pick them up at the security desk and I felt totally fine.  I brought them to the room to meet with someone else first.  Then I came back later to join them for our meeting.

When I got in the room I was fine for quite a few minutes but then I found myself not being able to concentrate on anything else but the rising feeling of panic.  I truly felt for a minute that I was going to lose it and that I was going to have to cut everyone off to tell them that I needed to get up and sit on the floor of the confernece room.

I didn’t want that to happen more than anything in the world so I started drinking my cold ice water trying to bring that cold feeling through my body hoping to squash that hot feeling that was coming over me.  Then within that minute I decided that I needed to take a Xanax (which thankfully with my girl scout nature I brought with me just in case…I never was a girl scout by the way…I just behave like one).  I took one quickly not caring if anyone noticed me taking something.

And then I just sat there quietly, breathing, trying to pay attention to what the woman was saying across from me.  I drank my water and silently prayed for this feeling of horror and dread to pass.  I silently prayed for my medication to work for me and the misfires happening in my brain to calmly go back to a dormant state.  I sucked the water through the straw praying for peace to finally return to my life.  The panic subsided, the meeting continued, I finished the rest of my work day in a very sleepy manner (falling asleep at my computer at least 3 times) and then I went home.

I had a terrible night, personally, that night and felt so sad inside that I went to sleep early (by my standards) and decided to work from home the next day.  I needed some time alone to concentrate and to work on feeling better for all of the things that were bothering me and I just couldn’t imagine sitting through another day in the office smiling and trying to conduct myself in a happy manner when all I wanted to do was cry.

Today I go back to the supermarket for the first time since the horrible panic attack in the froze aisle.  My friend is actually going with me because I just don’t want to go alone this time.  It’s been 3 weeks so I’m hoping that I feel completely normal there.  The mind works its own scary ways…I’m sure I will be okay since I won’t be alone to face this place.

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor just to follow up on how things have been going. We’ll see what she recommends when I tell her how it’s been.

I’ve felt fine with the anxiety since Wednesday which is good but I still walk in fear of when it will strike again.  I’m not sure if that feeling will go away in time as the panic happens less and less but we shall see…